Chapter 8
ROWAN
With eighty-two games in a season, it was easy for everything to blur together.
It didn’t take much for the media to decide an event was news.
The Ruby Reds were in town for the first and only time that year, and that meant Rowan and Felix would be on the ice against each other for the first time ever.
“How do you think it will feel to face off against Felix tonight?”
“I don’t take many face-offs, but I get what you mean. It will be weird for sure. I’ll have to remember not to pass to him.”
“In terms of centermen, Felix and Theo are quite different. Whose style do you prefer playing with?”
“I don’t have a preference. Both are a privilege to play with. Guys at that level—you feel how good they are no matter how they play the game. It reverberates through the ice.”
“Have you been able to connect with Felix since he’s been in town?”
“We got lunch today. We’ll have dinner after,” Rowan said, leaving out the fact that Felix was going to be staying with him tonight. No one else needed to know that.
“Good luck tonight, Rowan. Have fun.”
* * *
Seeing Felix in an away Ruby Reds jersey was still jarring. He was sure Felix felt the same way about his green Serpents jersey. He’d played against plenty of former teammates before, but it never felt like this. So off.
And though he would never admit it to the media, playing with Felix had never felt as good as playing with Theo did.
Off the ice, Theo mostly ignored him now.
Someone had convinced him to back off his hostility.
On the ice, Theo put hockey above everything else, and talked to Rowan the same way he would talk to any other teammate.
He was communicative, encouraging, celebratory, sometimes critical when Rowan deserved it.
They didn’t have to talk about how to solve problems together on the ice, they could just find each other.
Theo backed him up when he needed a second presence, and gave him space when he could tell Rowan had things under control.
Theo dished him drop passes and cleaned up his rebounds, and when he watched tape of them playing together, they made it look so easy.
He and Felix had been good together on the ice, but they had never reached this level of playing together absolutely effortlessly.
Maybe it was because he and Theo learned how to play together.
Maybe it was something else. Something deeper.
Rowan woke up grateful every day that his dad had talked him out of playing goalie when he was a mite.
His team needed one, and it looked fun enough to his little six-year-old self.
But watching how defeated Blake Brennan looked as they continued to score on him was a little heartbreaking.
This was the NHL. When it came to scoring, Rowan would never hold back.
It was his job to score as many goals as possible, and he took that job seriously.
Still, he didn’t delight in knowing it was his fault a goalie got pulled.
Their game was full of energy and momentum, and the ice felt wide open. They had to fight to make sure Sammy got a shutout, but the scoreboard said 6–0 when they all got off the ice.
The boys were filling the room with happy sounds and EDM, and it had been a while since this feeling had entered a locker room he was in and stayed. They were on a five-game streak, and of course they were working hard, but something was also working for them. Hockey magic.
He was in the shower when he remembered Felix would probably be grumpy.
He hated losing as much as Rowan did, which was a big reason they signed with new teams to begin with.
Being on the ice with him during the game hadn’t been too hard, even if it was a little weird.
Being off the ice with him had the potential to suck.
Rowan kept to himself as he waited by the visitor’s locker room, and Felix was predictably grumpy looking when he emerged.
He followed Rowan to player parking, and was quiet on the drive to get dinner.
Rowan drove himself to the game that day, so he didn’t have to make Felix carpool with Theo and Vic.
They grabbed takeout from a steak place Rowan liked, and when they started getting close to Vic’s house, Rowan told him not to expect hospitality from Theo.
“Vic is cool, but Theo still hates me.”
“I’m sure he’ll love me,” Felix said, with a little raised eyebrow.
“We’ll just avoid him,” Rowan said, already putting his guard up for how Theo would react.
They didn’t get the opportunity to see. Theo had gone out with a handful of the younger guys to celebrate the win. Vic was going on the fourth or fifth date with the same girl, and texted to let Rowan know not to expect him back that night. They had the place to themselves.
“Nice house,” Felix said.
“I like it. Can’t decide whether to try to find a place of my own or stay for the rest of the season.”
“Every day you find a reason to complain about Theo.”
“Housing market out here is brutal. And I’d have to see Theo basically every day, anyway.”
“But not in your kitchen.”
“You’re not out there looking for a permanent place to live, so I don’t think you get to talk.”
He collected plates while Felix took their dinners out of the plastic take-out bag, and they each slid their food onto something more respectable in order to eat in front of the TV. Classy, always.
“I’m staying with a D-man who is functionally a messy child, but at least makes me laugh sometimes, and always adds my order to his takeout. You live with your biggest irritation.”
“He wouldn’t irritate me if he wasn’t so...”
“In love with you?”
That made Rowan cough out a laugh, surprised by the ridiculousness of what Felix just said to him.
“Theo hates me.”
“Theo wants to bone you. Have you seen how he looks at you?”
“With daggers in his eyes?”
“Like he’s undressing you at every moment. It looks a little predatory, I can see how you’d miss it.”
“That is not what’s happening.”
“How’s your uh, love life, then?”
“How is that related to Theo?”
“It’s not, I guess. You know I worry. I know we always talk about this, but I want you to find someone. I want to know someone in San Jose is taking care of you now that I can’t.”
“Felix,” Rowan started. His feelings about Theo were so strong and right under his skin that the rush of Felix-feelings threatened to break through the surface of him.
“You can do it,” Felix encouraged. “You’re young, hot, and rich. There are plenty of guys who would knock down your door.”
“You know it isn’t safe.”
“Isn’t it? San Jose isn’t exactly the wildest hockey market. The Bay Area is gay as hell. Just...think about it.”
For years, Rowan had been so entangled with Felix.
Felix knew how Rowan felt about him, and even though Felix was straight, he had always been remarkably cool with being on the receiving end of Rowan’s romantic affections.
And through their years in Texas, Felix’s actual romantic endeavors never panned out.
He joked that he wished he was gay. Rowan fucking wished he was gay, too.
They basically functioned as a couple, codependent on each other for everything.
They shared a Venmo account for years. As the years went on, his romantic feelings for Felix cooled, but he still felt loyal to him.
Felix was his comfort blanket. Romantic or platonic, Felix was his best friend.
“If you found someone to love, it would make me feel like this was all worth it, even if neither of us get a Cup out of this decision.”
“We’re both getting Cups.”
“Yeah, we are. But we also both need to start dating.”
Rowan’s heart beat double time as he realized what this conversation might mean. That Felix had found someone else.
“Are you—”
“I haven’t met anyone yet. Don’t worry, babe.” Rowan didn’t have the right to worry about Felix getting a girlfriend. But that didn’t mean his brain wasn’t racing.
Felix palmed the back of Rowan’s dark, messy hair and pressed a kiss to his temple.
“I want you to have that, too. Someone to take care of you,” Rowan said.
He knew people thought he was selfish—and maybe there was some truth to that.
But he wasn’t so selfish that he didn’t want his best friend to be single forever, just because Rowan couldn’t have him.
“Or, rather, I want you to have someone to take care of.”
Felix didn’t need a caretaker, he needed someone to dote on. And it couldn’t be Rowan anymore.
“Mmm, yeah, that sounds about right.”
Felix’s deep, rumbly laugh was calming. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but they needed it.
Rowan wanted Felix to know that he wasn’t going to get weird when Felix eventually found a woman to settle down with.
They pulled up the HBO drama both of their teams had been talking about in the locker room lately and finished their dinner.
Rowan could feel the energy in the house change when Theo came through the garage door. Rowan went rigid with anticipation.
Theo grunted in annoyance when he saw the two of them and headed straight upstairs.
“Okay, I see what you mean,” Felix said.
Rowan sighed. He couldn’t imagine, as an eighteen-year-old in love with his best friend, being where they are now. He wasn’t sure if Theo’s years of radio silence were better than whatever they were doing now, though. He had to believe that Theo would eventually come around.
Rowan was going to be in San Jose for seven years, after all.
“Can we go to bed?” Rowan asked, his limbs feeling one thousand pounds each.
“Yeah, babe,” Felix said, his hand on Rowan’s lower back as they made their way to Rowan’s room.
It wasn’t even a question when they slipped into Rowan’s bed next to each other after they brushed their teeth.
Rowan shamelessly was wearing an old Victory shirt of Felix’s, which was big and full of holes, soft from being washed so many times.
Felix smiled when he saw it. He knew it was Rowan’s favorite sleep shirt.
“You’re going to have to retire this, Ro, if you ever want another boy in your bed.”
“I’m not planning on having to explain myself to anyone.
” He slid easily to Felix, taking a deep breath of Felix’s bare chest as Felix gave him a big hug.
He got a kiss on the forehead before Felix patted his hip to flip over.
Sure, sometimes your straight hockey bros were homophobic, but sometimes, the prolonged and constant physical contact present in the sport meant you ended up with an extremely cuddly straight best friend.
It was known to happen. And Rowan was never one to turn down Felix cuddles.
He knew he would only get one night of Felix sleeping in his bed this season, and he wanted to enjoy it.
He always slept better with Felix there.
It had been years since he had accepted that whatever weird shit they had together would only ever be platonic, but regardless of the nature of their relationship, he knew Felix would always make sure he was okay. And he needed that more than ever.
“You’re going to win here, I can feel it,” Felix whispered against his neck. His short beard was soft, and his confidence in Rowan was absolute. The only thing he had ever wanted was the Cup. Or at least, the only thing he was ever told to want was the Cup.