Chapter 20
ROWAN
The Serpents left Theo behind as they headed to the East Coast. They would have to make three trips to hit all the teams along the Atlantic, but the timing for this trip worked out for Rowan. He really needed to talk to his best friend.
Rowan watched as many of Felix’s games as possible, and knew that while Felix was playing well, his team was not.
They had recently lost their best defender, and trade rumors for Blake Brennan were swirling.
Felix had signed a big contract. He hoped for the sake of his friend that his team could figure their shit out over the summer.
The Serpents pulled out a win despite the struggle they had without Theo, but he managed not to gloat to Felix. He was a good enough friend to keep his mouth shut about it. He just got into Felix’s car and headed to Hoboken.
Felix’s roommate was with his girlfriend, and they had the place to themselves.
“I’m going to get my own place next year,” Felix said. From talking to him on the phone and exchanging texts all season, it seemed like Felix was unimpressed with his roommate situation.
“Do you know where you’re looking?”
“I’m going to worry about it after the season is over. I’m sure I’ll have a plenty long off-season.” He looked dejected, and Rowan hated it. He was at least used to looking that dejected together.
“You’ll have to come out to Cali and watch our playoffs,” Rowan teased.
“God, will I ever make playoffs again?” It was a rhetorical question. Rowan didn’t answer it. He just gave Felix a big hug. Felix made them sandwiches, and they sat in his living room while they ate.
“How do you relax in here?” Rowan asked. It was messy. Felix was not a messy person.
“I don’t,” he said. “And don’t give me that fucking look. We made the right choice.”
“We made the right choice,” Rowan echoed.
“Speaking of the choices that we made,” Felix started.
“What?”
“You got in a fight. You started a fight. For Theo Lane. What is going on in San Jose? I feel like I’m missing something here.”
Rowan sighed. He put his plate on the coffee table and sagged against the couch. “I don’t know.”
“He was not thrilled with you being there. Are you trying to show him he should be?”
“I don’t know what I’m trying to do. All I know is that I feel this magnetic pull toward him.”
“Which is how you ended up in San Jose.”
“Which is how I ended up in San Jose.” Rowan wasn’t confused about that anymore.
He picked San Jose because they were a good team and he thought he could help them win, but by now he figured out that it was also because of Theo.
Rowan had spent years thinking about Theo.
The pathways Theo had worn into Rowan’s heart felt as fresh as though they had been in love yesterday. It killed him that Theo hated him.
“Does he know you chose California for him?”
“No, he doesn’t know,” Rowan said. “Maybe he does. I don’t know. Theo isn’t stupid.”
“I personally think both of you are stupid, so…”
Rowan grabbed a pillow from the other side of the couch and launched it at Felix.
“You are stupid. Last time I checked, you still hadn’t told Theo how you feel.”
“Well, up until recently, I was still under the impression that he hated my guts.”
“And now?”
“He emptied and cleaned out my puke garbage can more than once, without being asked.”
“There’s still something there, man,” Felix said. Rowan could feel it, too. Even when Theo didn’t seem like he wanted to be anywhere near Rowan, Rowan still wanted to be near him. And now it seemed like Theo didn’t mind sharing space with him that much.
“Well, it seems like you have a window here.”
“Okay. When I get home, I’ll talk to him.”
“How’s his head doing?”
“He’s okay. Making progress. Feeling a little better. His mom is staying with him while the team is gone, so I’ve been texting with her.” Rowan let out a sigh, then reached a toe out to poke Felix in the thigh. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Any girl drama?”
Felix shook his head. “I’m sure there are great women out here, but I can’t imagine trying to find a girlfriend right now.
Like, ‘hey, I’m a borderline depressed hockey player pre-mourning the end of his career, who made a bad choice about what team to sign with, and lives in an apartment I don’t want to bring anyone back to. ’ I’m sure that will work for me.”
“Your apartment’s not that bad.”
“I can’t wait to move out. There isn’t enough of the season left to make moving now worth it, or maybe I would.”
“You’ll find a place. You’ll find a nice, sweet girl who doesn’t care about how bad your hockey team is.”
“Cheers to us, I guess,” Felix said, raising his almost empty beer to Rowan to clink.
Rowan got filled in on the decline of Brennan, and how tense the locker room was with Jim Sawyer leading it. But there were guys in Jersey that Felix was making friends with, and a few young players who held a lot of promise for the future of the Reds.
Now that Rowan’s brain was firmly swallowed up with Theo, it felt weird to want to climb into Felix’s bed with him, and Felix seemed uncomfortable enough with him there to begin with, so he stayed a little longer before telling Felix he was heading out.
Felix insisted on driving him back to his hotel.
If he thought the Serpents could ever afford him and Felix and Theo all at the same time, he would be campaigning to have his best friend move across the country. Choosing to leave Texas was the right choice, but they should have chosen teams that were close to each other.
* * *
The Serpents had practice in Manhattan the next day, before playing the New York Falcons the day after.
Rowan dragged himself around the ice, thinking about how Theo was doing.
He had a text from Theo’s mom on his phone with an update about how Theo was feeling.
Better. Not perfect. She also included a photo of him napping on the couch, which he knew Theo wouldn’t appreciate, but it was good to see his face.
They had a free afternoon and evening in New York City, and the guys broke into groups to explore.
Rowan thought he was going to have to figure out a solo thing to do when Aaron hooked his arm around Rowan’s neck and told him they were going to check out the Oculus.
It had been a while since Rowan had gleefully gone out to explore the city when they came here on roadies.
He was either sad or tired. Now, he was mostly just tired, but he followed the kids to the subway and they headed south.
It was a brisk spring day, and Rowan was glad they got outside.
They found the slices of pizza Mateo wanted, and wandered the shops in the bright, open sterility of the Oculus, its rib cage structure a protective white bubble high above them.
Aaron bought his girlfriend a Kate Spade purse, but mostly they window shopped.
They stopped in a tourist gift shop, and on a whim Rowan picked out a keychain that had a little Statue of Liberty on it.
“Trying to immortalize your wonderful time spending twenty-four hours in New York?” Mateo asked. He found a book of crossword puzzles for the plane. There was a little something about the atmosphere that made Rowan feel like he was in an airport.
“Just going to get it for Theo. He’s always wanted to go out to see the Statue of Liberty up close, but you never spend enough time in New York as a hockey player to justify it.”
“How is Theo?” Mateo asked. Their teammates had noticed a shift in their relationship recently, just like Rowan had.
“His head’s okay. Feeling better. His mom sounded hopeful for him getting back on the ice soon.”
Rowan looked at the keychain in his hand while he waited in line to buy it. This was stupid. It was weird, right? To have these dumb what if Theo was here thoughts. When he was in Texas, he could go weeks without thinking about Theo.
Or at least days.
Now, his Theo thoughts were as constant as they had been when they were teenagers.
He paid for his keychain and tossed Mateo’s crosswords on the counter to get it for him, too.
At the last minute, he impulse bought a little bag of saltwater taffy.
He didn’t know if it would be any good, but Theo was the only person he knew who actually liked it.
He could probably squeeze in a joke about being careful to not pull his teeth out with it.
They hopped back on the subway to go uptown to a restaurant Link had made a reservation at for the whole team.
Rowan had pushed down the feeling of embarrassment and brought his camera along with them, and he forced Mateo and Aaron to take a selfie with him, feeling a little too old to be hanging out with them, but grateful they remembered him, regardless.
* * *
They returned to California with a couple of wins under their belt, but it wasn’t a sweep.
Rowan wasn’t sure if he was projecting his own feelings onto his team or not, but it felt like everyone was just waiting for Theo to get back.
The rest of the league may talk about Rowan like he was the savior of this team, but in San Jose, the boys trusted Theo. Rowan hadn’t quite earned that yet.
He and Vic arrived home after dinnertime. Vic hung out for just long enough to put a load of laundry in before he darted over to Julia’s house again.
Rowan had never had a relationship while he was in the NHL.
He’d heard the celibacy jokes. But he also didn’t envy the guys whose schedules got so much more complicated once they got a girlfriend.
Rowan liked the simplicity of his routine.
He wasn’t in control of much, but he was in control of that.
And after a while, the fact that the last person other than himself to touch his own dick was teenage Theo Lane, melted into normalcy.