Chapter 18 Roan
ROAN
I’m poking around, pulling the books I need to replace on the shelves when I hear footsteps jogging into the back room.
I open my mouth to say hello, and then I hear Taylor answer the phone in a kind of nervous, professional voice, so I keep quiet.
A man says her name on speaker, and I freeze, uncertain what to do next. But when he starts apologizing, I know I can’t interrupt.
This is her boss from the city.
It feels good to hear him tell her that he was wrong, and that the book she chose is already breaking records for his company.
I guess not all city guys are bad news. At least this one seems to know how to admit when he’s wrong. I can’t wait to see how happy this call makes Taylor when it’s over.
But then he says something else.
I want you back here as soon as possible…
My heart drops to my stomach and I can barely hear his words now over the pounding in my ears.
Taylor can’t leave. She just got here. Everything is finally perfect—for her, for Meg, for me, for us.
But he’s busy promising her the moon and my feet are carrying me down the aisle and away.
Her back is to me, so she doesn’t see me slipping out of the back room.
It’s too loud and bright in the shop. I set the books I was carrying on the floor by the Mystery section and try my best not to break into a run as I move through the crowd to the front door.
“Roan,” Derek Lockwood calls out from the nonfiction display near the front. “This is amazing. Congratulations to you both.”
I swallow over the lump in my throat and wave to him before rushing out the door.
It’s blessedly cold outside, and the sky is awash with pink and gold as the sun sets. I stand on the sidewalk out front, watching my breath cloud in the crystalline air, and wondering what I’m supposed to do with everything I’m feeling.
I’ve spent so much of my adult life squashing my feelings down and just putting one foot in front of the other. And now I’ve finally decided to start living again, and it’s all being pulled out from under my feet.
I head into the tree lot without thinking about it, my boots crunching through the snow as I walk between the evergreen rows.
I’ve often found solace in the scent and sight of the trees that have marked the seasons of my life. The trees I’m selling in the lot now were planted back when Meg was a baby and Erica was still around. They’ve seen everything I’ve seen and now it’s their year to shine.
I was starting to think it might be mine too.
“What are you doing here?” Buck asks me.
“Just getting some fresh air,” I growl.
“Okay,” he says, looking taken aback. “Mind if I go grab a coffee while you’re here?”
“No problem,” I say. “Go ahead.”
He heads off and I stay where I am, hoping he doesn’t take too long. When he comes back I’ll ask him to give Meg a ride home when he’s done. I think I need to get out of here. Maybe I’ll walk the fields and find some peace there.
“Roan?”
Taylor’s voice is pitched up slightly, like she’s worried, and even though I know she’s leaving and taking my heart with her, I can’t stand to hear her like that.
“Here,” I say as I stride out of the rows and head for the front of the lot.
Her face lights up when she sees me and it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my rib cage.
“You’re covering for your brother?” she asks, in a tone of relief.
I nod.
“Oh, good,” she says. But she tilts her head slightly to the side, looking up at me with a curious expression.
I don’t know what to say.
“You told me the other day that you wanted to talk about us?” she offers softly. “We don’t have to wait until the opening is done. We can talk now. Your family seems to have everything under control in there.”
It’s gut-wrenching to see her smile like that when she’s talking about my family. I had hoped they would be her family too, one day soon.
If she’s going to crush me, I might as well save her the trouble.
“I can’t be in a relationship with someone like you,” I hear myself say too loudly.
She blinks, the soft hope in her eyes misting over into pain.
“Why not?” she asks simply, her melodic voice flat now, like she’s trying not to cry.
I try to imagine dragging my shy daughter far from everything and everyone she’s ever known, taking her to the city where I’m unqualified for anything but a minimum wage job, and where Taylor will slowly start to realize I don’t belong.
How long will it take her to decide she wants to let me down easy?
And will Meg ever get over being rejected by two mother figures?
“I have to put my daughter’s best interests first,” I tell her. The words are colder than the winter winds, and even I’m horrified at my icy tone.
Suddenly, Taylor’s face is falling and my heart is breaking and I can’t breathe.
I run for my truck, almost knocking over Buck, who is coming back with a paper cup of coffee in his hand.
“Hey, watch it, speedy,” he chuckles, like my life isn’t over.
I throw open the door to the truck and slip in, gripping the wheel like a life preserver.
Pulling out from the curb, I tell myself it won’t always hurt like this. Taylor will find some nice city boy. And eventually, I’ll be numb again, and I won’t mind being alone so much.
And by the time I get home, I almost believe it.