65
Huxley
Today reminded me why I don’t come home that often. But I don’t want to think about all the fucked up things that happened today. All I want is to hear my girl and finally relax.
I wait through two rings before her voice comes through the phone. “Hello.”
I let out a deep breath. “I needed that.”
“Me to say hello so late at night?”
“Just your voice in general.” Everything fades when I hear her voice. The good, the bad, everything that isn’t her. And I feel calm.
“Are you okay?” Val asks softly.
“Just a really long day.”
“What happened?”
I smile as I push myself off the doorframe and walk to my bed. “My mom came back. Hazel apparently called her and told her I was here, so she came back immediately.”
“Wow. Just like that.”
I nod. “Yeah. And she wouldn’t let me go all day. That’s why it’s so late.” My eyes catch on the time, and I remember she isn’t right down the road from me. “Although, what time is it there?”
She hesitates. “It’s almost one.”
“Why are you awake?” I’m back on my feet, pacing my worry into the floor at why she would be awake so late. Shouldn’t everything be great with her brother? Shouldn’t she be so exhausted from the fun she’s having that she should be sleeping soundly?
I curse myself internally. I called her without checking the time.
I’m about to apologize for waking her when she finally says, “I didn’t know if you were okay. I sent you pictures and a video, and you didn’t respond, so I was worried.”
I frown and pull my phone down to see missed messages from her.
“Hang on a second. I’m gonna look at them now.”
I pull the phone back and swipe through the photos, my smile forming when I see hers.
I swipe to the video, but since I’m on the phone with her, I can’t hear it.
But I can see her. The way she doubles over from the snow landing on her head.
The way her eyes shine, and her smile grows wider than ever before.
My beautiful, happy girl.
“That laugh,” I barely breathe out.
“It was something, wasn’t it?”
“I want to make you laugh like that one day.”
“Then you better do something extremely hilarious.”
Something in her voice makes me hesitate. “I’ll start planning now.”
“Can’t wait,” she whispers, and an ache starts to form in my chest. I don’t know why she would be upset about all this. Or why she’s upset at all. I don’t think I’ve done anything. At least, I hope I haven’t. Which means her feelings are about something that happened today.
“How was your day since you got snowed out?” I ask, hoping this broaches the subject without putting her in a worse place. I need to know what’s upset her so I can help. Fuck, it sucks not being close to her right now.
“Actually…” No. I hate the way her voice sounds right now. She doesn’t even have to say anything else. I know this isn’t going to be pretty. “Something happened today.”
“Are you okay?” I’m seconds from jumping on a plane and going to see her. Bring her home and take care of her. This was why I didn’t want her going in the first place.
“No, yeah, I’m fine. It’s just…” Her silence strangles the last of my sanity. “My brother sort of saw your message from earlier.”
That’s it?
I stop pacing. Why is that a big deal?
“Where you called me Love?”
I open my mouth to respond to her, but I’ve got nothing. I know I told her not to tell her brother about us, but if he saw the message, she could have told him everything. I honestly wouldn’t care. I was an asshole for telling her she couldn’t tell him in the first place.
“And he sort of asked about you and wanted to know what was happening.”
“What did you say?” I finally ask.
“I told him we were friends.”
Friends.
That word has never cut me deeper than right now. I’ve had shitty people call me their friends growing up, but I always saw through their words. But this? This is like someone took a cord, wrapped it around my throat, and asked me to breathe normally.
“Okay,” I grit out, harsher than I wanted to. “So what’s the issue?”
She struggles for a second to speak, then says, “He’s my brother, and I hate lying to him.”
“How are you lying to him?” Clearly, we’re just friends. Nothing more. It’s not like my heart is being stomped on currently.
“By not telling him about our deal.”
“I told you that we weren’t going to tell our families.”
I close my eyes at the anger in my voice. I’m not angry at her, even though she’s breaking my heart. But I’m the one who told her not to tell anyone. I’m the one who basically pushed us to never being real.
But there’s a part of me, deep inside, that knows this is the right decision. This is why I told her not to tell anyone. Because telling them meant we were real, and I can’t put her through that. Especially after the conversation I had with my mother earlier.
“But I would tell him about the deal and not that we were together.”
“What good would that do, Valentina?” I snap. “He’s just going to think you're insane for doing something like this.”
“You think our deal is insane?”
Of course, it’s insane. We made a deal to fake date each other so she would get her firsts. And I’m the idiot who thought that having her for a year would be enough. But now that I’ve had her, a year would never be enough.
“Oh, like you think it’s so great.” She must hate this. She has, too. Why would she be with me willingly?
“Right, because me feeling comfortable and safe during my first times is completely absurd,” she snaps back at me, and I nearly stumble.
“You feel safe with me?”
“I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t, Huxley. I trust you.”
That word. I’ve never had a problem with that word before, but hearing it now while talking about our deal gives me a sick feeling.
Sure, I’ve asked her to trust me on other things, but this feels like blind trust. And blind trust has thrown me off the cliff too many times to let her put that trust in me.
“You shouldn’t just trust people, Valentina,” I say in a deeper voice. Not the one I know she loves, but the one that should tell her that she needs to be careful.
“I’m not just trusting someone. I’m trusting you.” My hands grip my hair tightly. “Is there a reason I shouldn’t trust you?”
“Valentina.”
All I get out is her name. Because how do I explain this without releasing all of my secrets to her? She doesn’t deserve to deal with my pain when I know she’s constantly dealing with her own.
“What did you do?” she grits out.
I scoff. “Of course, you’re angry at me.”
“What?”
“This is how it always is, Valentina. I do nothing, and I still get yelled at.”
Nothing? You’ve done nothing to her?
I close my eyes and slump against the wall. None of this is going well, and I just keep making it worse.
“I asked you if there was a reason I shouldn’t trust you, and instead of saying no, you said my name. That’s not the answer you give if the answer is no, Huxley.”
“Well, it is no, Valentina.”
“Then why didn’t you just say that?” Her anger is rising higher by the minute.
I’ve never known her to get too angry. Yes, we’ve fought a fair amount of times, but she sounds like she could scream at me at any moment.
“Because I don’t understand your trust in me.” That’s it. That’s the closest I’ll get to telling her the truth. But I have a feeling it won’t be enough.
“Why wouldn’t I trust you, Huxley?” she asks in a much softer voice. “We’ve been through a lot these past couple of months, and I know more about you now, and you know about me, so why shouldn’t we trust each other?”
My head falls back against the wall. I do trust her.
I trust her more than anyone. But I don’t know enough about her brother to feel the same way about him.
And I don’t want him knowing I’m with her because of some deal that I don’t even want to continue.
Not because I don’t want to be with her, but because I want that more than anything. For real this time.
“Why are you telling your brother about us?” I barely whisper.
“Because I also trust him.”
Jesus Christ. “Stop throwing that word around like it’s nothing!”
“I’m not! I trust him, and I trust you!”
“Bullshit, Valentina. You’ve gotten mad at me too many times to trust me.”
“Getting mad doesn’t mean I don’t trust you. It means I care enough to express that emotion towards you.”
“Oh, please, Valentina. I’m your plaything. I’m just here so you can have your first fuck, so your precious feelings don’t get hurt when a guy rejects you. Because that’s right, I’m the sex addict. So of course I’ll say yes to fucking you.”
Silence fills the air as I try to calm my breathing. Why isn’t she saying anything? Wait, what did I say? I said I was…
No…
No, no, no, no, no, no.
“Right,” she whispers, and my heart shatters.
I did it. I broke the girl I love.
“I was wrong about you.” Her voice breaks, causing the shards of my heart to start stabbing me for everything I’ve done.
“I really thought you were starting to care about me. I thought we—” The saddest laugh comes through.
“I thought we could be closer. I thought you could actually want me. But you don’t. You never will.”
“Valentina, wait—” I barely get out before she says the words that seal my fate.
“I hate you, Huxley Adams. The deal’s over.”
“Valentine, please.”
She hangs up, and I’m left in the wreckage of my choices.
I’ve lost her.
My love, my girl, my heart.
And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fix this. But maybe…Maybe I don’t deserve to.
Tears fill my eyes, and for the first time in my life, I don’t try to stop them.
I let them fall.
Because this, the pain of losing the girl I love, is what I truly deserve.