69
Huxley
Huxley: Well, at least I got one thing right. That dress looks perfect on you.
Huxley: And you look so happy, Love.
Huxley: Am I allowed to still call you that?
It’s been an hour, and Val still hasn’t responded, but I haven’t stopped staring at my phone.
I told my mother I wasn’t feeling good so I couldn’t eat with them. Not a total lie, and I probably would have said the same thing even if Val and I were good.
I never should have come home.
The soft ping of my phone makes me sit upright in bed.
Valentina: I don’t think you should.
Fuck.
Huxley: Please let me call you.
I wait again, but this time my heart starts to beat faster.
She doesn’t reply. She doesn’t even type.
I get why she doesn’t want to talk to me.
Hell, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either after everything that’s happened between us these past few days.
But I’m not ready for this to be over. I have to fix this. I have to fix us.
Val’s name pops up on my screen, and relief washes over me.
I answer quickly.
“Valentine.” It hurts to talk, my voice straining over her name, but maybe she’ll hear just how sorry I am this way.
“Hi.” Her voice breaks, and I know she’s crying.
Because of me.
I made my girl cry.
Fuck, is she even my girl anymore?
“I’m so sorry,” I barely whisper. How am I going to fix this? She’s already crying just from talking to me.
She clears her throat. “I don’t have much time.”
“Then just listen to me.” I take a deep breath and pray my words come out correctly so I don’t hurt her anymore.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said all those shitty things to you.
I just don’t understand your trust in me.
But I want to do this deal with you. I still want you to feel safe going through all of this. ”
“I already said we would continue the deal.” No emotions come through her voice, and it pierces a knife through my heart.
“I know that. But I don’t want to just have sex with you when you come home and have that be the end of things. We still have till Graduation, and I don’t want us to be separated during that time. I still want to be around you. I still want to feel you and hold you.”
A sob comes through the phone, and my eyes squeeze shut. I hate hearing her cry and know there’s nothing I can do about it. Not just because I’m not there next to her, but because it’s my fault she’s crying in the first place.
“Valentine,” I whisper, holding back my own tears. “I’m so sorry.”
“You hurt me,” she grits out. “You said our deal was insane and then told me you’re fucking me so my feelings wouldn’t get hurt when a guy rejects me.”
“I didn’t mean that.”
“Then why would you say it?” Her voice is rough, anger now fueling her words.
I wish I had an answer for her. I wish I knew the real reason why those words came out of my mouth when she told me she trusted me. Because I trust her with my whole heart. I’ve just never been the guy people put their trust in. Even so, I never should have said those words to her.
“I really don’t know,” is all I manage to say.
She scoffs. “If you wanted me not to trust you so badly, believe me, you’re getting there.”
No. No, that’s not what I want. Please. Please. “Please don’t end this.”
A pause fills the line for too long until she softly whispers, “What?”
“Please don’t end this,” I beg this time. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Valentina. You’re one of the only people who actually trusts me, and that terrified me because I don’t deserve your trust. I don’t, but I can’t lose you. I just can’t.”
Losing her would send me off a deep end I didn’t realize was right in front of me.
I’ve been hiding behind a mask for so long that I didn’t see how close I was to falling apart from the life I’ve been living.
But with her, everything was easier. Everything was calmer.
The mask fell off, and I took a thousand steps back from the edge that had been calling to me.
I never thought I needed someone to hold me back from falling, until she held my hand and smiled at me, and in that moment, I knew I was falling for the right reasons this time.
I wasn’t about to crash and burn and leave nothing but a sick memory for the world to remember me by.
Instead, I was falling for the girl who struggled with her own demons.
And I was the one holding her back from the edge, too.
So losing her, losing us, I can’t do it. I don’t know if I’ll survive the fall of us.
“Can I ask you something?” Her voice brings me out of the darkness. Out of the thoughts I shouldn’t be swirling in.
“Anything,” I breathe out.
The pause she takes makes me hold my breath. I have no idea what she could want to ask me. But whatever it is, whether she wants me to do something or say something, I will do anything to bring her back to me.
“Are you still waiting for me to come home?”
The air in my lungs leaves and begs a sob of relief to come with it, but I hold that in. “Yes. Of course. I want to make all of this up to you. I’ll even add on 7 more hours to our consecutive time.”
“So, how long is that, math genius?” I can practically hear her smiling through the phone.
“Jesus Valentine. Really?”
She giggles, and I lock that sound in my brain. “By the way, it’s 35 hours now.”
“Show off.” She giggles again. “I’ll be waiting for you to come home, Valentina.”
No matter what, every time she leaves, I will wait for her to come back to me.
“I’ll be home soon.” Not soon enough. “There’s one more thing.”
My heart stops for a second. “What is it?”
A moment passes before she finally says, “I don’t hate you, Huxley Adams.”
Thank god.
“Well, I know I never said it, but just so we’re clear, I very much don’t hate you, Valentina Demarco. Very, very much.”
Because I’m so in love with you.
“Thank you.”
I freeze. Did I say that out loud? And did she say thank you to it?
“For what?”
“For not hating me.”
Thank god.
Again.
Fuck that man has been getting a lot of thanks from me lately. Maybe I should try talking to him for real.
I cringe at the thought. No. I’m not talking to air. Or would it be like talking to myself? Maybe I’ll ask Val one day what praying is like. Until then, I’ll just keep thanking the guy for keeping her with me.
“Well, thank you for not hating me. Anymore that is.”
“Like I said, I don’t hate you.” Her soft voice hardens instantly when she says, “But if you ever say that to me again—”
“I never should have said it in the first place, so it most definitely won’t be said a second time.”
“Good.”
My heart already feels fuller now that she’s forgiven me. Well, forgiven me enough to say she doesn’t hate me and that we’ll continue the deal.
I have a feeling we’ll have to start over when she gets back. She may say she forgives me, but one conversation won’t get us back to normal. And as much as I want to keep talking to her, I know that this trip is for her to be with her family, and I shouldn’t waste any more of her time.
“All right, I don’t want to keep you from your brother any longer.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I probably should go.”
I don’t want to say goodbye first, so I wait, but she doesn’t say anything either.
“You still there?”
She hums. “I’m still here.”
“It’s weird how comfortable this feels,” I blurt out. “Just having you on the phone, even if we aren’t talking.”
I used to think that having a conversation on the phone was the worst form of punishment.
That if I had to be on the phone with someone, I would try to get everything out of the way as fast as possible so the conversation could end.
But ever since Val and I started talking on the phone, I never want it to end.
Even if it’s just this comfortable silence.
I don’t worry, I don’t overthink. I just am.
“Huxley,” she whispers.
“Yeah?”
“I…”
She stops. No other words come through the phone. My mind races around what she could have possibly said to finish that sentence, but that only freaks me out more.
“Val?” Finish that sentence. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She lets out a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I just um—” She cuts off again, and I think I’m going to lose my mind. “I just saw your shirt sitting on my floor, and I guess my mind took me back.”
Oh.
I wasn’t expecting that. Honestly, I didn’t think she would want to bring up any type of sexual encounter between the two of us for a long time. But now that she has, my entire body is on fire for her.
I push myself up higher on my bed, leaning against the headboard. “You said you didn’t have time.”
I know she likes my deeper voice, and I might be a dick for using it on her right now, but she started it. And even if she doesn’t finish it, I’ll know I got to her with it.
Her heavy breathing comes through the phone, confirming what I expected. “And I really don’t.”
“Maybe during those 35 hours, we’ll find some time.”
I can almost see her head slightly tilt to the side. “How much time will we need?”
“I could use up all 35 touching you.”
She catches herself before a sound escapes her lips, and I’d give anything to be in front of her right now to see how she’s reacting to me.
“35 hours of just touching me?” she asks softly. “That seems impossible.”
“Don’t underestimate me, baby.”
I’m affecting her. I know I am. Especially when a soft whimper comes through the phone.
“Valentine,” I warn. I really don’t want to keep her from her brother. “We don’t have time, Love—”
I’m too late to catch myself, but I know I’ve ruined the mood she’s in. So maybe that was a good thing. “Sorry.”
“Call me Love again,” she begs, causing my skin to light on fire.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have time for the other things I want to say to you?”
She whimpers again, and I hear her sliding down something before landing on the floor. “Talk fast. Please.”
“How wet are you, Love?”
“That’s not talking fast,” she snaps, but in a really cute way. A way that lets me know I can continue to drag this out with her, and she’ll go along with it.