70
Valentina
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
I knew Huxley Adams would never want me the way I wanted him, but I was stupid enough to believe all the actions and lies he told to keep me with him.
He cried for my pain and told me he would hold me so it wouldn’t hurt. But it hurts, and nothing makes sense anymore.
I never wanted to lose my mind over a guy, but I’m here, falling apart because the guy I knew would never want me, actually doesn’t want me—shocking concept, I know.
I feel disgusting. I feel used. Honestly, I feel worthless.
I let myself get caught up in him and let him use me to his advantage. I was more vulnerable than I’ve ever been with anyone else. Maybe more than I’ve ever been in my whole life. And he ruined it.
He told me once that he was the kind of guy that people went to for a quick fuck or when they needed a change in their lives. What if that’s what I am to him? A change in his life. With him for a moment before he goes back to his normal life.
God, I miss when I thought he liked me. I miss thinking we were happy together. I miss being happy.
Of course, he doesn’t like you.
I curl into a ball on the floor.
You told him the darkest parts of your soul, and what did he give you?
My hands cover my ears, pressing harder with each word that fills my head.
A few good dates? A song that already exists? He’s a songwriter for fucks sake. And where’s that new version of that nursery rhyme he promised to write you?
Shut up.
He doesn’t even talk to you anymore. All you two do is make out. Remember what happened before you left for New York? He got mad when you didn’t want him to touch you?
I squeeze my head harder until it hurts. Please stop.
You are nothing but a warm body to him.
A sob spills from my lips. I quickly cover my mouth with my hands so Will and JJ can’t hear me.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stay with him and keep feeling this way.
We don’t work.
That’s a lie.
We did work.
Until I was reminded about the deal, we worked perfectly together. He was everything I’ve ever wanted. He didn’t treat me like a freak because of what I did Sophomore year. He always wanted me around. He chose me over other girls.
He was mine, and I was his. There has to be a piece of that that was real.
Keep telling yourself that. See where it gets you.
Shut. Up. Brain.
God, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why did I let us do this? He just wanted to use me to get off.
Huxley really chose the wrong person to be in a relationship with. But I also chose the wrong guy to fall for, so I guess we’re both fucked.
I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling. Can I just lie here forever? Die here? That sounds nice. New York seems like a beautiful place to die.
I haven’t prayed for a long time. Maybe I’ll start with this.
“Take me, God,” I choke out. “Please take me away so I don’t feel this pain. I’m so tired, and I want it to stop. Please make it stop. Amen.”
I lie there for a few moments longer, hoping my prayers will be answered. Sadly, my heart is still beating, and my lungs are still breathing. So I weakly push myself up.
Once upright and still, unfortunately, alive, I pull my dress over my head, dropping it into my suitcase. I feel even more numb now than I did earlier as I stare at the wrinkled material.
No one cares…
…end it…
…so pathetic…
You won’t be missed…
I know.
I slip into Will’s shirt and pajama pants he lent me before I leave the room.
Shuffling into the kitchen, Will and JJ look up when they hear me. Neither of them reacts, but I know I can’t look great. I never looked in the mirror after all the crying I did, so my face is probably a mess right now.
“All right.” Will comes over to me and grabs my hands. He pulls me over to the couch, shoving me down. “You sit right there,” he commands before walking over to a basket to grab a blanket.
Someone knocks on the door. “I got it,” JJ announces.
Will nods at him before walking back to me, wrapping the blanket around me, cocooning me on the couch. He slips away again and moves over to the TV as JJ shows up in front of me, placing the food they had ordered on the coffee table.
“We got your favorite,” he says with a kind smile. I try to smile back, but I know it’s weak. He moves to sit on the opposite end of the couch, giving me access to what Will is playing on the TV.
“Why are we watching this?” I ask through a scratchy voice that almost hurts.
“Because it’s your favorite movie and you need some happiness brought back to your life.”
I give him a dry smile. “Would you be mad if I asked what’s the point?”
“No.” He walks over to the couch and curls up next to me. “I’m just going to hold you tighter until you finally see the point.”
I swallow hard, trying to keep the tears at bay. “What if I don’t?”
Will shrugs. “Then I’ll eat your chicken.”
I smile, much more genuinely than before, as a few tears slip through. “Not my chicken.”
“See?” His own smile grows as he wipes my tears. “Happiness.”
I let out a breath that eases some of the pressure on my chest. “Thank you.”
Will leans forward and collects our food, handing me my container. “But I do want one piece,” he says seriously.
“Fine.”
He smiles bigger and kisses my cheek before reaching forward and starting our movie.
After all our food is gone, Will curls even more into me. I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer, which leads him to fall asleep halfway through the movie.
My fingers gently brush through his hair while I watch him sleep. It feels like just yesterday I was holding him on my lap as a baby, wanting nothing more than for him to be comfortable and safe in my arms. Those days are long gone, but my love for this kid will never change.
“I never got to thank you, Valentina.”
I look up at JJ, his eyes focused on Will. “What do you mean?”
He looks up at me, a gentle seriousness filling his eyes. “If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know if Will would have survived what happened to you guys.” His eyes fall on Will again. “And I never would have met the most amazing man in the world. And the love of my life.”
Tears form in his eyes, causing mine to burn as well. “So thank you for believing in him,” he tells me sincerely. “Thank you for loving him. And thank you for showing him that not all people are bad. That there’s still hope in this world.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, but it’s no use. I’m bound to cry again tonight. Although this time, it’s for a completely different reason.
“Thank you, Joshua Jenson,” I say with a smile as the tears start to fall. “For believing in him. For loving him. And for showing him that not all people are bad. That there’s still hope in this world.”
JJ wipes his eyes. “I shouldn’t be this affected by you repeating my words back to me.” I laugh, making him smile. “But I know you meant them, and so did I. That’s why we’re both a mess.”
We both try to clear our faces of tears when Will shifts in my lap, tightening his arms around me.
“Thank you both,” he mumbles. “For believing in me. For loving me. And for showing me that not all people are bad. That there’s still hope in this world.”
JJ covers his eyes while I try to will myself not to cry anymore. It doesn’t work.
Will reaches back to JJ and pulls him closer. The two of them now both lie on my lap, so I wrap my arms around them. And it’s at this moment that I realize our age dynamic.
I’m the oldest one here. They have been taking care of me these past few days when I should have been taking care of them. They shouldn’t have to worry about me. They shouldn’t have to order my favorite food and put on my favorite movie because I’m going through shit.
I have to do better. I have to be better. I can’t be a burden to the people I love.
I pull them both closer. “I love you both so much,” I whisper to them. “And I’m so honored to be in your lives.”
They hug me tighter, and I vow, right here and now, that they will never have to deal with me like this again.
I wish that meant I would be stronger. But the truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever get stronger. I just have to learn how to hide my pain. It’s better that way. For all of us.