2. Lottie Halloway #2
A cracking beat passes as everyone exchanges indiscreet looks.
Ty sets down his fork and finally looks directly at me, and I swear I feel my hair expand at least another inch.
Self-conscious, I run a palm over it. The unusual sharpness in his deep espresso-colored eyes takes me by surprise.
And now, for the third—or is it the fourth—time I’m back in the car, his face inches from mine.
My brain throbs with the memory of how close I came to leaning in.
Or maybe it’s throbbing because I didn’t lean in.
All I’ve wanted for years is for him to see me.
I just know my heart wouldn’t have wanted to stop at one stolen kiss. I want it all. I want to be the girl he calls when something good happens. And something bad. I want to be the person who has inside jokes with him, and we make our holiday plans together.
I wasn’t going to be a hookup.
I hope he doesn’t think I’m into that.
I hope he’s not into that.
I bite my lip, noticing that each year Ty gets a little more impossibly gorgeous than the last. It’s absolutely maddening.
And now it’s awkward at the breakfast table, which is precisely the main reason why I can’t cross that line with him.
He’s been my brother’s best friend forever, and he’s practically part of my family.
I raise the brim of my mug to my lips and sip, avoiding looking at Ty and Ham.
It’s hard to explain what it’s like to have them around.
Not only are they protective of me, but in some ways, I feel like they don’t ever want me to live my life.
Seriously, I went out last night, and they made it sound like I was robbing the bar—with explosives.
Maddie kicks me under the table, mouthing, “ TELL. ME. LATER.”
My brow furrows as I mouth back, “ NOTHING. TO. TELL!”
“Did you hear Dad resigned his position at the college, and he’s officially moving full time to DC?” Ham leans forward with both elbows on the table. “He’s retiring.”
“I knew he was thinking about it, but I didn’t realize he was doing it so soon.
” Unaffected, my tone stays neutral. It’s been the plan for a long time to have him stay in Washington, DC with my mom as her career keeps exploding, and he already helps her enough.
There’s always a need to have the perfect trophy husband around.
“Wait. What?” Ty’s gaze locks on Ham. “For real? Your parents are moving there full time?”
“I guess.” Ham nods as he swallows his pancake and continues, “We’re never here anymore.
I don’t know what they’ll do with this house.
Dad never really said. Maybe they will sell it.
Mom only comes back here to show her face to the voters, but she also has a condo in Montpelier.
Plus, it’s surprising, but my dad enjoys puttering around the place in DC.
Since my mom is a second-generation senator, her family has been collecting acreage around the main house for decades, and it’s basically turned into a hobby farm.
Dad’s doing all kinds of things, even boarding horses in this new barn. ”
“It’s always been a lovely spot,” Maddie says with a faraway look in her eyes that tells me she’s remembering a certain trail ride with Taz three years ago, back when they were dating and visited us there.
“Right,” I agree, because it’s the truth. My mom travels home to “make appearances” in Mapleton, where I grew up. She needs to engage the voters, but we’ve mostly been living in DC. The family compound has several houses to fit us all, and my work is there.
Ever since I graduated from high school, all my friends have gone different ways.
Ty doesn’t even live in Mapleton anymore, as he is living his best hockey career.
He only returns around holidays to visit his family.
“I would think he would sell it or maybe rent it out,” I add.
“There isn’t a good enough reason to hold on to it.
” Ty shoots me a look that lands straight in my gut.
I know what he’s thinking. We’ve spent every Fourth of July since we were kids in this house on the lake. It has to be a blow to him.
With an encouraging smile, Maddie breaks my thoughts, “You’ll make new memories in DC, and I’ll come visit you there.”
“Yeah. I won’t miss it here,” Ham says before popping the last bite of pancake in his mouth.
“Wow, so this might be our last summer here.” Ty’s words are spaced, piecing them together in the slowest manner.
“Maybe,” Ham says in a low tone, like he just figured that out too. “But you know you’re always welcome to visit us in DC.” He stands, grabs his empty plate, and takes it to the sink. “All right, who’s riding with me to the parade lineup? We’d better get moving.”
The air feels too heavy to leave the conversation like this, and I hesitate.
Ty pauses at the exact same time. His eyes dart to me first, then back to Ham.
Ham notices neither as he stretches his hands over his head and quickly speaks through his exhale.
“Be in the Land Rover in fifteen minutes.” He grabs his phone off the counter and heads upstairs.
Maddie pushes back her chair, grabbing her empty plate and slides it into the open dishwasher.
“Well, that’s my cue.” She looks at Ty and then adds, “See you guys later.” She heads out the door, letting a breeze of morning lake air drift into the room.
As soon as she shuts the door, I’m all too aware it’s just Ty and me.
I get up, keeping my gaze low. He clears his throat and starts in a low voice, “About last night—”
“Nope,” I blurt as a flash of heat rises in my chest. “We’re not doing that.”
His eyebrows lift. “Doing what?”
“Talking about it.” My words are oddly harsh, so I soften my tone. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Okay.” His throat bobs, marking a swallow. “We don’t have to talk about it.” He doesn’t look away, and since there’s some sort of magnetic charge in the air, my gaze stays locked on him.
Who am I kidding? I couldn’t look away if I tried.
The air is literally dripping in tension.
It’s so hard to explain our relationship, because as much as I say he’s just Ham’s best friend, we have our own friendship.
Things got complicated because he’s always on the road.
Then add into the mix that my family is always in DC.
We said we’d keep in touch, but it’s been tough.
I’d catch snippets of the sport’s coverage.
I can’t explain it, but it steals the air from my lungs to see all those girls fawning over him.
Sure, I’m happy he’s doing well, but it’s hard not to assume he’s changed.
It’s hard not to wonder about all the girls.
I’d like to pretend he’s still the shy boy who blushes when I compliment him.
I can’t fathom him dating those girls, or worse, having casual hookups.
Vomit forms at the base of my throat at the mere thought.
Not to mention the microscope I’ve been living under since my mom joined the Senate. I don’t want him in that drama.
He shakes his head; his tone fills with what I can only describe as disappointment.
“I can’t believe you guys are thinking about selling the lake house.
I always thought you’d return someday, once your mom was done with government.
” His inflection evens into something more nostalgic.
“Remember what we carved into that stump? Always July.”
I smile despite myself. “Hum, yeah, because you spelled always with an O and an extra L. It literally says ‘ollways.’”
“That’s how it sounds!” He chuckles and jabs an index finger in my direction. “Plus, you agreed with me.”
“I was like ten and, remember, I was in an experimental spelling program that focused on sight words, and I never learned phonics! You had to be like, what, in middle school?”
“I was twelve.” He laughs, throwing his head back.
“Yeah, maybe you were that young, but you fooled me.” I swallow as his jaw twitches, tipping me off that there’s some double meaning there.
As much as I miss the way it used to be between us, I can’t live in the past. I have to face the fact that we grew up.
Our lives moved on. Just like we are more than likely selling our family lake home—it doesn’t make sense to keep it anymore. Some things just make sense to let go.
Even if it’s hard.
Even if it’s excruciating.
I make the mistake of leveling my gaze with his, and I quickly lose myself in the spirals.
Brown eyes as thick as a mystery novel. Ever-changing, full of surprises, and now they fire all the hues of caramel at me.
“I should go.” I shift the weight from one leg to the other until I am leaning toward the exit. “Ham’s waiting.”
He pushes back his chair and stands, taking a step toward me. He’s close enough I feel the brush of his arm as he walks behind me. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “Guess you should.”
“You’re not coming to the parade?”
“Nah, you know your mom doesn’t welcome me to that stuff.
Since this may be the last time we’ll be here, I think I’ll go fishing.
” His lips purse before his head jerks toward the screen door that leads to the back deck.
“You know, say goodbye to the place my way. But I’ll catch up with you guys later. ”
“Later.” I surprise myself how defensive my echo sounds. “Aren’t you flying back to Minnesota tonight?”
“Oh, yeah.” There’s a flicker of disappointment in his eyes. “I guess I am. So, I’ll, ah, maybe see you …” His voice drops off as he forces a chuckle, then says, “I was going to say next July, but if you’re not coming back here, I’m not sure when I’ll see you.”
“Right.” Stunned at the sudden realization this is a real goodbye; it’s never been harder for me to force even one tiny word through my lips.
I wait for him to take the first step away from this conversation.
My heart slams against my rib cage like it wants to break free.
It never dawned on me I would ever have to say goodbye to Ty—like a final, final goodbye.
“I’m sure we’ll run into each other sometime.
If you ever make it to DC, be sure to call. ”
“Sure. You bet.” It might be my imagination, but his voice cracks, and he doesn’t move away.
And I don’t either.
I need to ask why things got so complicated. I wish I didn’t have this stupid parade. There’s nothing I want more than to head down to the docks and waste the day away with him like we used to.
That’s not my life anymore.
I have to work. Not just because it’s my mom, but it’s my job as her assistant. “Well, I guess goodbye.” I flash my palm and slowly start to pivot.
“Wait, one question before we do this goodbye thing.” His voice cracks, and he doesn’t pause long enough for me to ask what. “Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we never had to move apart?”
“I—” My teeth crash down, holding my lip back, and I freeze like I did last night. This is it! Our chance to finally break past the guardrail. Please don’t gasp again. Say something —
“Seriously!” Ham’s voice blasts from the doorway. “How are you still standing there, Lottie? I was outside waiting for you. We need to leave now.”
My heart squeezes. It’s always been faster than my words, beating me to every reaction. I mean, what am I really going to say to Ty’s question? Ham’s standing there, and he’s right—I need to leave. My mom needs me, and I need to end this conversation.
What do I even say?
My eyes snap to Ham, whose hand rests sharply on his hip. Then back to Ty. His eyes have darkened, almost as if pleading with me to not drop the conversation.
I don’t have any words that can match what my heart is doing in my chest.
So, I turn on my heels and call over my shoulder to Ham, “Just one second. I need a minute to change.” Then I rush toward the stairs with tears brimming in my eyes.
I wish I could tell Ty how I feel, but it will only make things worse.
He’s living his dream. I’m moving to DC full time.
It doesn’t make sense to hold on to something that can’t ever be.