22. Lottie #2
I turn back to Bodan, who is apparently a lot smarter than I’d realized.
Most of his intellectual jargon sails right over my head.
Thankfully, he’s not talking hockey conspiracies.
Truthfully, he’s handsome up there with his neatly gelled hair, but I am struggling to care.
My gaze slips back to Ty, who catches my eye again and mouths the word, “Help.”
I shake my head, struggling not to laugh.
We are definitely on the same page. As the lecture drones on, I don’t hear a word of it.
Somewhere in the middle, Tyson starts bouncing his knee like he’s got ants in his pants.
That wouldn’t normally bother me, but every few bounces, his leg brushes mine.
Accidental or not, lightning rockets through my thigh.
Every.
Single.
Time.
Too distracted to care about what Bodan is saying, I wish Ty and I were somewhere else.
Somewhere private, where we could talk. I could tell him how much I hate pretending I’m dating Bodan, how much it feels like something’s been growing between us, and how sick it makes me to think I’m wasting all this time that we could be spending being honest with each other.
Maybe at some point, I need to stop blaming my mom?
I mean, I’m not a little girl anymore. I can make my own decisions.
My breath catches as I think about the fallout.
There’s no way I could turn my back on her and still work with her every day.
I’d have to get another job, which I know exists, but it’s hard when this is all I know.
I majored in political science at George Washington University and was so determined to do this career I graduated in three years, even while working full time for my mom.
When I say I put all my eggs in one basket, they are stacked heavy.
The thing I didn’t foresee? Even well-stacked eggs can crack.
Applause fills the room. I missed the ending of the lecture. Bodan grins at me as he steps away from the podium and walks downstage until he’s right in front of me. “Thank you again for coming.”
“Of course,” I say automatically.
Cameras flash around us. A few people line up to talk to Bodan. In a way, it feels like the room is closing in. The weight of expectations—to be perfect and pretend to be in love with this guy—squeezes around my ribs.
Ty leans in, whispering, “You look like you need some air.”
“I think I do.” I exhale, relief flooding through me.
Waving at Bodan, I smile and say, “I’m grabbing some air while you wrap up questions.
” I don’t wait for a reply. Ty and I slip away together, heading outside, where the air feels instantly lighter, even in July.
The sun isn’t as hot as it could be, cloaked behind a promising gray cloud.
We haven’t had much rain this summer; cooler weather would be nice, though I’m not getting my hopes up.
We walk a few steps while my brain buzzes, and I struggle to find the right words to explain what’s going on inside me, finally blurting, “That was interesting. What did you think?”
“I don’t know if I found it interesting, but it was okay for a change of pace.” His eyes never leave mine, wicked flickering happening. “But if I’m being honest, I think the goats are more fun.”
I laugh, even though my chest aches to spill out what I really feel. That I hate pretending to love Bodan while denying that I love him . “Next time,” I say with an irritable nod, my intestines twisting in protest. I’m starting to wonder if they will stay like this forever.
“Oh, next time.” His smile is instantly playful. “Does that mean you’re asking me to hang out again?”
“It sounds like you are upset about missing the goats. I’m not going to deny you the goats, if that’s what you want.
We can go to the farm, where it’s just us—” I cut myself off, realizing how that sounds.
I meant where there are no fake dates or crowds of people, but it’s too late to walk that back.
Heat flushes my face as I fumble for a rebuttal, but Tyson makes it easy.
“Just us.” Without missing a beat, his smile tips higher on one side. “Is that a promise?”
Dropping my gaze to the sidewalk, I finger the hem of my shirt.
It’s not unusual for him to ask to hang out, especially since we only have a short time.
It’s getting harder to pretend all of this attention is easy for me.
“Yeah, just text me when you have time off.” I try to sound as casual as possible and toss out a joke, “I’ll make sure Bodan has to work, so we don’t have to hear about—” I stop, because I have no idea what he said.
After wracking my brain for a solid ten seconds, I give up.
“You know … whatever he just talked about for the last hour.”
I wait for him to chuckle, but his eyes continue to glint at me in a way that makes my knees weak, and his voice deepens into something caramelly. “I’ll text as soon as I look at my schedule.”
“It’s a plan.” I start to back away before I say something I’m not ready to say. “Anyway, I better get back to the office. I only marked myself out for an hour lunch break.”
“Same. I need to get back to work too.”
I wave over my shoulder as I turn. As we part, I can’t stop thinking about all the mounting lies.
I’m lying to the world about Bodan.
So is my mom.
Technically, Ty has been lying to me, because he hasn’t been truthful about his feelings. I don’t blame him for that though.
I’m technically lying back to him.
It’s getting hard to keep track of. Shaking my head, I let out a sigh. I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to tell the truth. I hope I am. It’s the right thing to do. Even if it’s the impossible thing.