Chapter 14
The Next Night…
I’ve misplaced my fiancé.
Or at least that’s what it feels like. Because I don’t know where he is. I haven’t seen him in over twenty-four hours.
I know he’s been busy with practice, so I understand why we couldn’t meet up all day yesterday and when he must’ve come back from it, I was with… his twin brother. And today has been all about getting prepped for the game, so again I understand our non-communication. But I was at the game tonight. I waited for him through all his interviews and press conferences and all the other formalities that he’s had to go through. And yet he managed to slip through me.
I even texted him and called him, left a voicemail and nothing.
God, it’s annoying.
But I’m not leaving this city without getting to talk to him. I need to tell him that it’s over. As hard as it might be, I need to tell him the truth. I’m not going to betray him like I did before.
That’s why I’m here.
At this stupid party.
It’s a victory party, but it’s not happening at a bar like all the other parties I’ve gone to. From what I understand—I had to text Isiah to get the info on the party—this is someone’s house. Someone from the other team and it’s crowded. Plus super loud. I’m not sure how I’m going to find Shepard here because everyone looks drunk and stoned, but I have to try.
Because I do not have much time.
I need to get back before he finds out that I’m at a strange party.
I don’t like lying to him or hiding things from him either. Not again, not anymore. But if I told him what I was doing, he’d lose his shit. He’ll think I did it for him—which I kinda did—but not because I expect him to love me back or something similar. But because I can’t keep lying to myself or to Shepard. It’s not fair to either of us.
So I’ll figure out a way to tell him after I’ve actually broken things off. But for now, I have to do this and the fact that Stellan’s in a meeting with Coach Thorne right now—I checked—works in my favor.
As I navigate the crowd, I try to find a familiar face so I can ask them about Shepard. But so far, I’ve had no luck, not downstairs at least. So I make my way upstairs and look through all the open doors. When I can’t find anyone here either, I start looking behind closed doors.
By the third door, I’m losing hope and I’m about to close it when I detect movement on the balcony. In the shadows, I see two people and they’re extremely close together. I see them moving, rocking and… Oh.
Oh shit.
I think I’ve stumbled upon people making out.
Yikes.
Very uncomfortable and I’m about to close the door when either they hear me or need a break anyway, so they come apart and turn my way.
And holy shit.
My search is over.
Because it’s Shepard. And he’s making out with a girl.
I’m about to apologize and then I’m about to close the door and give them privacy. But then I realize he’s my fiancé. My fiancé is making out with another girl. And I… Well, I still want to apologize and give them their privacy so they can continue.
And yes again, it is the most twisted thing in the world that I want to do that. That when he whispers something in the girl’s ear and she makes her way to the door, which means me because that’s where I’m standing, I want to call out to Shepard, good choice. Because she’s pretty with dark hair and porcelain skin. She also gives me a sweet smile, which makes me like her even more that she’s not being catty at my interruption.
Taking a deep breath, I turn to Shepard, who’s entered the bedroom as well. And then there are a few seconds of awkward silence between us, which I hate.
Then grimacing, he begins, “You weren’t supposed to… You weren’t supposed to see that.”
I shake my head. “It’s… I?—”
He rakes his fingers through his hair. “Look, I can explain. I can?—”
“No.”
“Isadora, you?—”
“No, seriously.” I thrust my hand out. “You…” I swallow. “You don’t have to.” He opens his mouth to say something, but I keep going. “I know you think you need to explain because we’re engaged, but I… I?—”
“We are not,” he says and finally breathes.
I can see that.
His chest moves up and down with a long breath.
“What?”
“Well, technically, we are,” he corrects, again grimacing. “But we aren’t, not really.”
“I don’t… What?”
He studies me for a few moments, his features grave, his eyes heavy and penetrating. And for a second, he looks so similar to his twin brother that I lose my breath. He looks identical and I know technically they are but still.
I’ve never seen him look this grim.
Not even on the night he came to me with the truth. He was angry then, yes, but not like this. He wasn’t carved out from stone.
“It was fake,” he says.
“What was fake?”
“Our engagement.”
I blink. “Our engagement was fake.”
Again, he studies me for a few seconds with those dark, penetrating eyes of his. “You said you loved him.”
Something slams in my chest and does it hard. And I have to take a step back before answering, “Yes.”
He grits his jaw. “You haven’t stopped, have you?”
Biting my lip, I shake my head. “No.”
“Not even after what he did.”
I swallow again. “No.”
Again, his first response is to take me in as if to make sure that what I’m telling is the truth. And when he’s made sure, he gives me a slow nod. “So I was trying to give you want you want.”
“What?”
Sighing, he thrusts his hands down his pockets. “He told me to.”
“I-I’m sorry?”
“That night,” he explains. “When he came to the bar to tell me. What he did. He told me to take care of you. He told me to give you whatever you wanted. To make you happy. So that’s what I was trying to do. You wanted him, you want him, so I was trying to give him to you.”
A tear rolls down my cheek. “He asked you to give me anything I wanted.”
“He was pretty adamant about it,” he shares.
He was, wasn’t he?
Because that’s who he is.
That’s what he does.
He told me that every breath he takes is about me, didn’t he? And here’s proof. Every breath he takes is for me. Every thought he has is about me. Every beat of his wildfire heart has my name on it.
If only he loved me too.
If only he believed that he could love me and that it could be a good thing. Not some childish emotion put on this earth to torment him.
I’ll even take that, you see.
Just his belief that we belong together. Like I believe. In his goodness and his darkness. In all the things that makes him him.
“How would…” I swallow again, still unable to understand. “How would asking me to marry you would… give me that?”
He sighs. “I thought asking you to marry me would give him the push to ask you himself.” Then, “Look, I could see that he wanted you, okay? I hate to admit it. It fucking kills me to admit that he wants you too. He… feels something for you. Which is very novel for my brother. He doesn’t feel anything for anyone. He’s cold as ice. Well, except somehow when it comes to you. But I would’ve still let him suffer. I would’ve let him fucking burn in hell. But then…” He shakes his head. “Then I saw you. I saw your face. I… I saw how heartbroken you were over what he did, over how he hurt you. And I”—he shrugs—“had to step back. I had to step away. Not for him. But for you.”
I want to cry.
I want to break down and start sobbing.
For everything. For everything I did. Everything Shepard went through, that I put him through. Every hurt, every second of his torment because of me.
Despite all that, he still chose to put me above him.
He still chose to not only remain my friend but actually work toward giving me what I want.
But I hold on because I’ve already done that. I’ve already broken down once and leaned on his strength. It’s his turn now. He needs the strength from me. He needs someone to lean on too.
So that’s what I do.
I walk up to him and wrap my arms around his body, around my best friend. “I’m sorry. You have no idea, Shepard, how sorry I am.”
His arms come around my body as well and he squeezes me to him. “Yeah, me too.”
I want to lose the battle with my tears then. But again, I hold on and say, “I wish… I wish I could take it all back, you know? I wish I could… I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to do what I did.”
“I know.” Then, “But if you hadn’t done what you did, we never would’ve met. We never would’ve danced together. I wouldn’t have my best friend.”
Best friend.
Yeah, he’s that.
He’s the very best friend anyone could ever ask for.
The very best friend that I don’t even deserve.
Clenching my eyes shut, I squeeze my arms around him again. “I can’t believe you did that. I can’t believe you… asked me to marry you just because…”
“Well, I’m known to do reckless things.”
Something occurs to me then. “Is that why you wouldn’t let me stay with you in your room? And you haven’t been hanging out as much?”
He smiles sadly, his thumb coming to rest on the side of my eye, wiping the tear that managed to squeeze out despite all my efforts. “If I was hanging out with you all the time, he wouldn’t have time to hang out with you, now would he?”
“He—”
“And he has, hasn’t he?”
I stiffen in his embrace. “Shepard, I?—”
“And I noticed that you’re not wearing my ring.”
Thank God my hands are behind his back or I would be hiding them from sight right about now. “No, it’s not that. It’s?—”
“He took it, didn’t he?”
My eyes go wide. “I… How?—”
“I would’ve done the same thing.”
“Shepard, I’m sorry. I?—”
“It’s okay. I know.” His jaw tenses for a second, but he keeps going. “I set the whole thing up, so yeah, I’m aware.”
Still guilt crushes my chest. “I should’ve come to you right away. The night you proposed to me. I knew I was… I don’t know, taking advantage of you, leaning on you too much and I… I should’ve told you that it wasn’t a good idea. I should’ve told you. I should’ve said that even though you were giving me what I wanted, I would never be able to do the same and I’m just so sorry about that. So fucking sorry.”
His dark eyes, similar to the man I love, rove over my features. “If you had, then I probably wouldn’t have been able to witness a miracle.”
“What miracle?”
“My twin brother pissed as fuck.” He chuckles. “I honestly thought he was going to kick my fucking teeth in the other day in the parking lot.”
My heart clenches at the memory.
Of how pissed he looked. How agitated and worried for just a little thing.
And I swat Shepard’s chest. “It’s not funny. He really would have.”
“Yeah, I would’ve liked to see him try.”
“I’m serious, Shep,” I tell him, looking him in the eyes. “He’s… He’s complicated.”
“Is he, now?”
“He is,” I insist. “There’s… There’s something in there. There’s something more. Something deep inside of him that I don’t know. That no one knows.”
“Well, what’s deep inside of him is ten feet of ice.” He scoffs. “I’ve known him my entire life and trust me when I say there’s nothing inside of him. Except a fucking winter wasteland.”
My heart aches for him then.
That his own twin thinks that about him, that he has nothing to offer.
My heart aches for Shep too. Because I think he wants there to be something inside of Stellan, something to show that they have a bond, isn’t it? Maybe that’s why he keeps provoking Stellan. To get a reaction out of him. To see if he cares. If that’s the truth, then I understand that. I did the same thing for over a year.
Only to find out that yes, Stellan Thorne is not cold as ice or cold as winter.
He’s hot as wildfire.
“You just said that he feels something for me,” I remind him.
He grows serious. “And for your sake, I hope it’s enough to make him realize what a lucky son of a bitch he is.”
Overwhelmed, I bring my hand up to his jaw. “I don’t deserve you.”
Again, he throws me a lopsided smile.
Although this one is more like his usual smile. Arrogant and mischievous. “Yeah, you do. It’s him who doesn’t deserve you.”
“That’s not?—”
“Which is why,” he says, “you aren’t going to tell him.”
“What?”
“That this is fake.”
I pull away from him. “Shepard, no. I can’t do that. I… We can’t do that.”
“We need to do it,” he points out. “You want him, don’t you? This is the only way to get him. If he thinks he’s going to lose you to someone else, to me no less, he’ll probably pull his head out of his ass and see what he has.”
Oh my God, he sounds like my biji.
“But, Shepard.” I shake my head. “Not like this. Not like… I can’t deceive him. I can’t lie to him anymore.” He goes to say something, but I keep going, “Listen, I did that, okay? I already did that and it was a disaster. He hated that I lied to him about dating you. He’s going to actually lose his shit if?—”
“Well, that’s exactly what you want, don’t you? For him to lose his shit enough that you finally get to be with him.”
“But—”
“Besides, you fooled me too, remember?”
I go still in his arms.
“You played me as well. So you owe me this.”
I move away from him. “Shepard, please, okay? I’ll do anything else. I’ll give you anything else at all. Just?—”
“This is what I want,” he states stubbornly.
“Why?”
“Because now that I know what your answer would’ve been to the ultimatum, I want him to suffer like I’m suffering. Even if for a little bit.”