Chapter 22
I thought about going along to the Fragonard spa after we finished our tea, but all of a sudden I was feeling pretty tired. Perhaps it was the mostly sleepless night, the stress of what could have been a far more difficult adventure, or just my age, but instead, I went back to our room. The bed had been freshly made up and looked very inviting. Surely it wouldn’t matter if I had a quick snooze?
I slipped my shoes off and lay down, but that didn’t really work because the waistband of my trousers was cutting into me, tactlessly reminding me of all the many calorie-filled days I had enjoyed, as was my bra wire.
When will someone invent a decent bra? And not one that keeps appearing on my social media apparently designed by some mythical grandmother, modelled on women who didn’t actually need a bra at all, and probably made in a sweatshop somewhere.
So instead, I got undressed and put on my towelling robe. Much better.
Ah, the bliss of slipping into a bed I hadn’t made, on clean sheets I hadn’t laundered. In minutes I was asleep.
I woke from a confused dream about driving in the dark while eating a bowl of pasta – which was easily explained – and then somehow getting locked out of the car so I had to run along behind it shouting. I realised someone had come in and was standing by the side of the bed.
‘Jill. What are you doing asleep?’
I jerked upright and saw my sister, and for a moment I didn’t recognise her.
I blinked at her for a few seconds, not quite sure where I was. Which is always an annoying way to wake up, it made me wonder if it was the first sign I was losing the plot a little.
‘What do you think?’ Diana said.
I stared at her.
‘Flipping heck!’
Her hair which had been grey, shoulder length and unruly, had now been chopped into what I could only describe as a glossy pixie cut. I was sure it was probably called something else, but she looked fantastic. There was a feathery, choppy fringe, and the rest had been shaped to her head.
‘You’ve lost ten inches of hair and about twenty years,’ I gasped.
Diana looked very pleased and went to preen in front of a mirror.
‘Isn’t it great? Evelyn’s hairdresser – whose name is Jeannie in case you are interested – took one look and before I knew it her scissors were out, and great hunks of hair were falling on the floor. I sort of made a mild protest at one point, but by then it was too late. And then she plastered on some heavy-duty conditioner and left me for half an hour.’
‘Unbelievable,’ I said. ‘In a good way.’
‘She was trying to persuade me to have it coloured too, but I know how lazy I am. The prospect of getting the roots retouched was too awful, and I read somewhere that older hair can get a bit springy and uncooperative, so I said no.’
‘What colour?’ I said, still trying to take in the new vision of my sister.
‘Blue streaks. Or bright red.’
‘Thank heavens you said no,’ I said, trying to imagine it.
‘I was wondering why I didn’t do this years ago,’ she said, turning to try and see the back of her head, ‘and then I remembered. Casper would have hated it. Which makes me feel sort of rebellious and crazy.’
‘You look fantastic,’ I said. ‘It really suits you.’
‘Come on, hurry up and get dressed and then let’s go out and find some dinner. I feel like a kid again.’
Delighted at my sister’s enthusiasm, I did as I was told, and half an hour later we knocked on Evelyn’s door which was just down the corridor from us, scooped her up and after she had finished complimenting Diana on her new look, went to the Bizet restaurant.
The staff were too well mannered to say anything about my sister’s changed appearance, but they did show the three of us to our favourite table by the window with much smiling and bowing, so it evidently had some effect.
‘I told you a haircut would be good for you,’ Evelyn said, unrolling her table napkin, ‘and unless I am much mistaken, someone else thinks so too.’
She gave a discreet nod to someone behind me, and a moment later Rapha?l stood by the side of our table.
‘Madame, please would you come along to my studio after dinner, so I can photograph you?’ He sounded almost pleading, as though he couldn’t bear to waste her new glamour.
‘Is that the modern equivalent of come up and see my etchings?’ I murmured, pretending to be reading the menu.
Diana kicked me under the table.
‘I’d be delighted,’ she said. ‘Jill too?’
‘No fear,’ I said, before he had the time to answer, ‘I’d look like the before picture next to you. We can catch up with you later on.’
‘Well,’ Evelyn said, watching him go, ‘I hope you have fun.’
‘It’s just a photograph,’ Diana said, patting down the back of her hair.
‘Of course it is,’ I agreed, and then I grinned at her, making her blush.
Evelyn and I went along with the crowds towards the theatre after dinner, looking forward to a pleasant evening in the warm, semi-darkness watching the dancers doing their tribute to Hollywood Musicals. Show tunes have always been a particular favourite of mine and Evelyn too apparently.
‘My parents went to the Drury Lane Theatre for the opening night of Oklahoma! when the royal party was there. They say Princess Elizabeth and Prince Phillip had a particular favourite: “People Will Say We’re in Love”. So romantic, I hope they do that one.’
‘I seem to remember Dick Dainty saying something about “Ain’t Nobody Here but Us Chickens” so I wouldn’t hold your breath,’ I said.
‘Hmm, I don’t remember that being in it,’ Evelyn said thoughtfully.
‘Ah there you are!’ said a voice behind us. ‘I have someone here who has been looking for you.’
We turned in our seats to see Thelma and Ken with their sometime friend Gerald, who was leaning over with a broad grin on his face.
‘You’re a hard woman to keep track of,’ he said, breathing whisky fumes over me. ‘Mind if we join you?’
‘And Ken and I have been trying to talk to you, Lady Evelyn,’ Thelma said, practically curtseying. ‘Perhaps we could go and have a little nightcap after the show?’
Evelyn and I exchanged a look, and my heart sank. Unfortunately, the seats behind ours were empty and they settled in with a lot of fuss about Thelma’s handbag and Gerald repeatedly kicking the back of my seat. I think it was the older man’s equivalent of a boy in school punching a girl he fancied on the arm, and just as annoying.
‘That would be delightful,’ Evelyn said diplomatically, and then shot me a glance, ‘as long as I don’t get one of my heads. Sometimes all the lights and the loud music set me off.’
I took a firm hold on her hand. ‘I’m sure that won’t happen. And if it does, I will look after you.’
We exchanged a conspiratorial nod.
‘So how are you enjoying the trip, Lady Evelyn?’ Thelma said, leaning over from her seat behind us. ‘Ma’am.’
Evelyn chuckled. ‘Please don’t call me that! I’m not the Queen Mother. Evelyn is fine.’
‘You can call me Thelma, and this is Ken,’ Thelma said, preening herself a little.
‘I’m enjoying it very much. Meeting interesting new people, seeing new places. What’s not to like?’
‘That’s what I said,’ Thelma replied.
Beside her Ken fidgeted. ‘No, you didn’t, you said you were looking forward to going home and having a decent cup of tea.’
‘I said nothing of the sort!’
‘You did. You said you would sell your soul for some PG Tips…’
Luckily at that moment, the curtains opened to show a scene decorated with hay bales and the outline of a barn, and then the dancers came on, dressed in gingham and bonnets, and gave us a spirited rendering of ‘I Cain’t Say No,’ happily causing Ken to pipe down before he annoyed his wife even further.
Then the boys from the dance troupe came on and did some spirited and very complicated line dancing which caused a great deal of admiration, in me at least.
This was followed by the singer, Carol Cusson making a stately, well-corseted entrance, dressed as a saloon keeper and launching into a tooth-rattling duet ‘Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)’ with one of the male singers.
‘What can I get you?’ Gerald hissed in my ear. ‘I’m going to get a whisky. Keeps me frisky. Would you like a gin?’
‘No, thank you,’ I hissed back.
‘Sure?’
‘Absolutely.’
He sat back with a grunt of disapproval and kicked the back of my chair again.
‘I wonder how Diana is getting on,’ I murmured to Evelyn.
‘I hope she’s having fun.’
What would count as fun in my sister’s life?
I thought about this as one of the dancers returned to the stage dressed as a farmhand and did some clever lassoing of two of the other dancers dressed as a pantomime cow. This nearly brought the house down the applause was so enthusiastic.
‘Glass of wine then?’ Gerald was back, breathing fresh whisky fumes over me.
‘No, thank you.’
Next to me, Evelyn giggled.
We were then delighted to see the other dancers strut onto the stage dressed as hens and start singing ‘Ain’t Nobody Here but Us Chickens’, which caused Evelyn to splutter with laughter. Evidently Dick Dainty hadn’t managed to talk them out of it.
‘It’s awfully good, isn’t it?’ she said, wiping away tears of mirth. ‘How on earth will they follow that?’
The answer was a song from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, all about the joys of spring. The singing voices were excellent, but it was difficult to concentrate when four chickens, some farmhands and a pantomime cow were jostling for space with Carol Cusson’s bosom.
‘Absolutely marvellous,’ Evelyn sighed happily as we applauded everyone off stage. ‘That’s a new one. I wouldn’t have missed that for anything.’
‘Now, about that drink,’ Gerald said from behind us, ‘let’s all go to the Lautrec and have a nightcap or two.’
‘Do you know I think I’ll have to pass on this occasion,’ Evelyn said regretfully, ‘I need to get to my bed after all that excitement.’
‘I expect you do too, don’t you?’ Gerald leered at me.
‘Well—’
‘I’m afraid I will need Jill to come with me, I need her to unlace my stays,’ Evelyn said imperiously.
The others frowned at each other in puzzlement.
‘Really?’ Thelma said.
‘Not usually, but I’m having a bit – you know – of the old trouble,’ Evelyn said, and she gave a brave smile. ‘I’m sure you understand.’
‘You are a terror,’ I said as we made our way out of the theatre.
‘According to the Bible I’m living on borrowed time as it is,’ Evelyn said. ‘I don’t do anything I don’t want to any more. And that includes drinking whisky with that awful man. I do hope I haven’t ruined your evening?’
She looked at me with mischief in her eyes and I laughed.
‘I’d much rather find out what my sister has been doing,’ I said, ‘and where she is.’
‘Well, they have had three hours, I can’t believe it takes that long to take a decent picture of Diana. She’s a very attractive woman.’
We went back to deck 11 and our rooms. I stopped outside our door and listened for a moment.
‘What are you doing?’ Evelyn said.
‘Just making sure she’s not in there frolicking,’ I whispered.
‘Hmm, do you want to borrow a glass from my room, so you can put your ear to the door and have a proper listen?’ she hissed back.
‘Evelyn! No, I don’t. I’ll just knock, shall I?’
I knocked on the door a couple of times and heard nothing from inside. Evelyn, her face alight with interest stood at my elbow and listened too.
‘Nothing,’ she whispered.
We looked at each other and both started giggling.
‘Perhaps they have gone back to his cabin?’
Evelyn shook her head. ‘I doubt it, I don’t think there’s much room for frolicking in staff cabins. And I think it’s strictly forbidden anyway.’
I cautiously opened the cabin door, and we peered round like two naughty children, but the room was pristine and empty. The beds had been turned down and the usual chocolates placed on our pillows.
‘I wonder where she has got to,’ Evelyn said, ‘and how they are getting on.’
‘She was always a slow starter and let’s be honest, she has only known him for a few days. I can’t believe she would… no, she definitely wouldn’t.’
‘You might be surprised, life on board a ship takes on a pace of its own. Away from all the usual trigger factors. Being on holiday. Too much good food and wine. Why? Are you worried about her?’
‘No, worried for her. This last week has shown me that she’s had a pretty restricted outlook on life, and she sort of came to a full stop when Casper died, as though she wasn’t sure what she was allowed to do next.’
Evelyn went to look out of the window at the dark night outside and then sat down on an armchair with a heavy sigh.
‘Let’s hope she’s realised she’s allowed to please herself. Ah, that’s better. My poor old foot, I have a terrible bruise. And you? What about you?’
It was on the tip of my tongue to say the usual things about being fine, being perfectly happy, but then I stopped.
‘It’s made me think, I’ll admit that. I didn’t think I would miss Eddy half as much as I do. Because as well as being my husband, I like him. Do you know what I mean? And perhaps we have got into a bit of a rut, just like Diana. My own routine, his routine, habits, expectations. It’s made me realise that retirement means something has to change for both of us. I suppose we need to make room for each other. And not just be irritated by the presence of the other person. Because I’m sure I can be annoying, just as Eddy can. Just like me, he might get fed up with the same thing happening every day. One of us needs to shake things up a bit, and Eddy is too easy-going to do that, so perhaps it’s down to me.’
‘It could be fun,’ Evelyn said, ‘finding new things to do together. You might even enjoy it.’
‘Ken told me he likes to wash his car and make models of medieval cathedrals out of matchsticks,’ I said. Evelyn shot me a look that I think could be described as old-fashioned. ‘I don’t think Eddy would do that. He’s more of a big project man, digging holes and replacing the shed roof when it leaks. Although it takes him years to get around to actually doing it. I’m so looking forward to seeing what he’s done when I get back. He’s been talking about doing a patio for ages. And the last time he washed his car was after he was stopped by the local policeman because the number plate was covered in mud. I had to get a packet of wet wipes out and clean it before we were allowed to go.’
I laughed at the memory, Eddy had been quite outraged, he had some theory that the dirt on the car protected it. And his idea of washing the car was throwing a bucket of water over the roof. I felt quite sentimental for a moment. Even after all those years I did still love him. He might be losing his hair, but he did have the most wonderful brown eyes. He was easy-going, generally unfussy about food and he made me laugh. I was beginning to realise that in the grand scheme of things, these apparently small things were actually rather big things.
But that didn’t answer the question of my sister’s whereabouts.
‘Right, I’m off to bed,’ Evelyn said. ‘I’m sure she hasn’t fallen overboard.’
‘I hadn’t even considered that,’ I said.
‘I looked it up, about twenty people do fall off a ship every year. But it’s usually due to suicide, foul play, or alcohol.’
I shook my head. ‘My sister likes a drink, but not to the extent she would tip over the safety rail. She would have to stand on a step or a table. And she wouldn’t do that.’
‘Then I am sure she is perfectly safe – ah! Here she is. Now you can find out.’
Diana came in after her usual tussle with the key card and stood looking very pleased with herself.
‘What have you been doing?’ I asked.
‘Nothing,’ she said, but she looked rather vague.
‘You’ve been away for hours. You must have been doing something. I can’t believe it took that long to take a decent picture of you.’
‘Oh, it didn’t,’ she said airily, ‘we’ve just been talking.’
‘I’ll leave you to it,’ Evelyn said tactfully.
We both watched as the door closed behind her.
‘And?’ I prompted.
Diana sighed. ‘He took some pictures, we went for a drink, I had a cheese toastie and a glass of white wine if you want the details, and we just sat and talked.’
I felt a mixture of relief and disappointment. At least he hadn’t tipped her over the rail into the dark sea, and she didn’t seem under the influence of too much alcohol.
‘And?’ I persisted.
‘And I like him, and he likes me. And I’ve invited him to come and visit me when he next gets some shore leave. In fact, I think I might invite him to the wedding in December, as long as it’s okay with Sam and Fizz. They said I could have a plus one, but then perhaps they didn’t seriously think I would have one. Well now, I think I do. Stop looking at me like that. I haven’t been up to anything. We had a bit of a snog behind a lifeboat, I’ll admit to that, but that’s all. I like kissing him, he seems to like kissing me.’
‘Did you take your clothes off for the photographs?’
‘No, I didn’t! But that doesn’t mean I won’t in future,’ Diana said, blushing.
‘Wow. I don’t know what to say.’
‘That makes a change,’ she said rather sarcastically.
She wandered about picking things up and putting them down again. She even hummed a little tune and then laughed at something. This was most unlike her. I was suddenly wild with curiosity.
‘So, you’re telling me nothing happened? I’ll confess I’m slightly disappointed.’
Diana took off her cardigan and folded it up thoughtfully.
‘Actually, yes something happened. Not what you’re thinking before you start. I realised that I’m okay. That I’m a nice person, and I’m entitled to have a life of my own. Which let’s be honest, I haven’t really had for a long time – not one that I’ve enjoyed anyway. And I’m not going to forget that. I like being treated as an equal, not just as an appendage or another crew member like Casper did for all those years. I used to think that was disloyal of me to criticise him, but maybe I can see a bit more clearly now. I can’t go on letting the past define my future. I have time to make new memories and stop living in the old ones. After all, I did that talk and nothing went wrong. People are still coming up to me and telling me how much they enjoyed it, and it was my work after all. I think the simple fact is, I like me.’
I went over and hugged her.
I wasn’t someone who believed a lot of motivational sayings, but it must be a painful thing, to lose oneself in the process of loving someone, and forgetting to love yourself too.
‘So do I,’ I said, feeling rather emotional.