Chapter 24
That evening, as the ship left the encircling caldera of Santorini and headed on towards Athens and the end of our adventure, we went to have dinner in the Bizet restaurant where the catering crew were pulling out all the stops with a special farewell dinner. Unlike me, who would have served up a load of leftovers to my guests, the chefs on board had designed a seven-course menu which would be followed by an awards presentation.
We had known about this because Alfred had been discreetly leaving voting cards lying around our suite, and of course we had voted for him. Several times, in fact, because Diana had taken a handful of discarded ballots which she found on a side table in the Amité buffet and filled them in on his behalf.
There were categories for just about everything. Best cabin steward, best waiter, best entertainer, best talk, most enthusiastic crew member, the list went on.
Just as we were finishing up our desserts (vanilla panacotta with wild berry jus and shortbread biscuits which Eddy would have loved) Dick Dainty appeared at the top of the stairs, sharp and shining in his best evening suit.
‘Good evening, shipmates!’ he called and was not impressed with the initial response. ‘Let’s try that again, shall we? Good evening, shipmates!’
We all roared back our approval and he grinned approvingly.
‘Now that’s more like it. I hope you have had a wonderful trip. I know I have because you’ve been no trouble at all. Not like the last lot!’
He rolled his eyes at us and pulled a hangdog expression and was rewarded with some laughter and applause.
‘Now then. We know you had a great time and so did we, entertaining and looking after you. But tonight, there are just a few awards to give out to those crew members who went that extra mile. Or should I say extra kilometre? I’m never sure. So, let’s see, who is first? Ah yes, best cabin steward, and before I get any complaints, it’s not just for the men, it’s for anyone who you thought was exceptional. And the winner is Amil, from deck 4. Come on Amil, there’s your certificate, your gift voucher, and well done! Here’s a round of applause to go with it!’
We applauded an excited-looking young man on and off the stage and then Dick was back.
‘Best butler. This is for the posh people. And the winner is… Alfred from deck 11. And this is the third time he’s won so a special round of applause for him!’
‘We did it!’ Diana said. ‘We committed electoral fraud! How marvellous! I never thought I’d see the day!’
Alfred, still incredibly smart in his uniform and possibly rather embarrassed by all the fuss, came on and accepted a silver-framed photo of the ship and a certificate.
‘Best waiter is next. And it comes as no surprise to me that it’s Carlos. He can hold thirty-one wine glasses in one hand. Hands like shovels. Come on Carlos, take a bow!’
There were then several more presentations after that, with crew members being presented with certificates and apparently gift cards.
‘They get some free Wi-Fi time too, I’m told, which is very popular,’ Evelyn said across the table. ‘Some of them don’t see their families for months at a time.’
‘Now a special award. Captain Lebrun celebrates his tenth year with BVP this year. He tried the rest but stuck with the best. Now then, here is a framed photograph of him, standing on the bridge in his tropical whites when we were in Jamaica. Looking like something out of Top Gun, I think you’ll agree. What an achievement.’
The captain came on and was presented with a picture of himself which he looked at with some amusement and then he excused himself, saying he had to get back to the bridge.
‘I bet he doesn’t,’ Diana said, ‘I bet he’s going back to his cabin for a bit of peace and quiet.’
‘And lastly, a special award, which I always like to present. It’s for the most interesting talk of the week. We have so many to choose from, the BVP cruise line prides itself on giving informative and educational talks. You’re not just here to enjoy yourself, folks. But this time I’m not surprised by this and absolutely delighted to announce it. It goes by a wide margin to someone who stepped in at the last minute and did a fantastic job… Diana Wedderburn for her talk on the Bermuda Triangle. Yes, that’s right, come on Diana, come up here.’
Across the table, Diana looked at me, her eyes wide with horror, but I just laughed and joined in with the loud applause that filled the restaurant. After a moment’s hesitation, she stood up and went to collect her award.
‘Perhaps you’d like to say a few words, Diana,’ Dick said encouragingly, holding out his microphone towards her, and he started to applaud too, backing away slightly, and cannoning into Carlos who was still standing there, both his hands filled with wine glasses, waiting for an official photograph. And talking of photographs, where was the man in question?
Of course, Rapha?l was already there, at the foot of the staircase, his camera ready.
Diana gulped a bit and looked at the framed photograph a few times while the applause died down.
‘I wasn’t expecting this,’ she said, ‘thank you so much. I don’t know what to say.’
‘This, this is brilliant,’ Evelyn said, leaning towards me. ‘Did you know about it?’
‘I had no idea,’ I said. ‘Isn’t she marvellous?’
I looked at my sister, standing, smiling at the head of the staircase, holding her award and I could have burst with happiness and pride. But as I had just enjoyed a very filling seven-course dinner, perhaps it was just as well that I didn’t.
It might have taken Diana a couple of minutes to get up to accept her award, but it took her about twenty minutes to return to our table. Everyone she passed wanted a selfie or a quick word of congratulations. Her face was absolutely glowing with joy, and I think I was feeling much the same on her behalf. She wasn’t just pigeonholed as Casper’s widow any longer, she was a person in her own right.
Then just as she was almost at our table, a man stood up and stood in her way, he looked vaguely familiar, very determined and by his body language he was ready for a fight. The expression on his face was like a bulldog chewing a pickled onion.
‘Hello, what’s all this?’ Evelyn said, and I pushed my chair out, ready to go to Diana’s defence.
It was for a moment, just like it had been in primary school, when my shy little sister had been picked on by the class bully. I could even feel my fists clenching, although I don’t believe I would have engaged in a full-blown fight. What an undignified end to the holiday that would have been. For a split second I imagined myself being hauled off, to… where was it? Ah yes, the brig. Ready to be handed over to the authorities in Athens. And would Rapha?l take a picture of that for Radio Wonderful?
Elderly cruise goer has a go.
Fists fly at the gala dinner.
I could see Rapha?l out of the corner of my eye. Moving through the crowded tables towards Diana, evidently he was in full-on protective mode too, which rather made me like him.
Then suddenly I saw things between my sister and the stranger change. She laughed, even put a reassuring hand on his sleeve, and just like that the situation was defused. He went back to his seat and sat down again.
‘What the heck was all that about?’ I asked.
Diana laughed. ‘Oh, nothing.’
‘Who was that anyway?’
‘Remember the chap at my talk, that you promised wouldn’t be there? The wreck hunter and oceanographer with decades of experience who asked me about Dean’s Blue Hole? It was him. His name is Sidney Ferris. He was still banging on about the mythical Lusca which drags ships down to their doom. And still nursing a grievance that I hadn’t talked about the aliens and the legends in the Bermuda Triangle and was on the point of having a bit of a go at me.’
‘Him!’ I turned in my seat and sent Sidney one of my best hard looks, but he was busy swigging back a large brandy and looking very pleased with himself and therefore was not blasted into a thousand pieces, ‘What did you say?’
Diana gave a sort of laughing sigh. ‘I told him the truth, I said I didn’t have the sort of in-depth knowledge that he had of that side of things and perhaps I would mention him to the captain, because they are always looking for new topics, what with the shingles having taken out what’s-his-name for the foreseeable future, they might like him. And I said I was sure he would do awfully well with the passengers, and what a shame it would be not to hear him.’
‘Brilliant!’ Evelyn said. ‘It looked like you defused the situation very neatly.’
‘Oh, he’s my new, best friend now,’ Diana laughed. ‘I’ll admit to being very relieved.’
My admiration for my sister grew even more at that moment. The Diana of a few weeks ago would never have done such a thing.
After all the excitement, we decided to go to the final evening event in the theatre. It was the night Diana had mentioned days ago, when the dancers had a well-earned rest, and the passengers took over with their talent show. We were all looking forward to it a great deal, wondering what previously unsuspected abilities would appear that night from our fellow cruisers.
The theatre was almost full by the time we got there, but our Texan friends Betsey and Cyn were already seated at their reserved table and waved at us to join them, which wasn’t easy because it meant the seven of us were seated around a table designed for six.
Stone ordered some champagne which felt very decadent, and a few minutes later our old friend Dick Dainty came trucking onto the stage again to his trademark music, looking sharp in a blue velvet jacket and very cheerful.
‘Shipmates! Fellow travellers! Friends!’ he called out. ‘Here we are, on our last evening together and I can’t believe I will be saying farewell to such a lovely group of people. On behalf of the whole cast and crew I’d like to thank you for being the best audience we have ever had. And I’m not just saying that. I know some are staying on, but for most of you, this will be goodbye until the next time. And there will be a next time, I’m sure.’
He held out his hands towards the audience and adopted a sad, slightly beseeching expression, like a hungry puppy hoping for treats. He was of course rewarded with an enthusiastic round of applause and his characteristic, beaming smile returned.
‘And now we have what I always think of as the highlight of the journey, not us entertaining you this evening, but far more exciting. You are entertaining us. And I had a funny feeling right from day one, that there is a lot of talent in our midst. So many people wanted to be included. You’re in for an incredible treat this evening, I don’t think you will believe your eyes when you see what I have lined up for you.’
‘I bet he says that to all the girls,’ Evelyn muttered, causing me to splutter with laughter.
‘So, let’s get going with our cavalcade of comedy, our pageant of playing, our spectacle of singing. And we start off with Derek and Dorothy from deck 4 with one of my all-time favourites, “Something Stupid”.’
Derek and Dorothy, who up until then had been recognisable by their matching fleeces and sensible shoes, came on having raided the ship’s dressing-up box for a white tuxedo and a flowery ball gown and sang so enthusiastically into each other’s faces that we could see Dorothy’s hair moving in the breeze.
They were followed by a comedian – Jim from deck 5 – who had obviously read Les Dawson’s book of lugubrious mother-in-law jokes, and then a pair of tap-dancing sisters – Maureen and Susan – who must have been in their sixties and a bit heavy-handed with the blue eyeshadow, but they were as nimble-footed as teenagers. It was absolutely marvellous.
‘I think we need another bottle,’ Stone said at one point after we had cheered Jeremy the Juggler from deck 6 off the stage.
There was a bit of a lull as a couple of stagehands scurried around picking up the things Jeremy the Juggler had dropped. After that, an upright piano was wheeled on from the wings and a young woman in a huge sweater with Zombie embroidered across the front – although she seemed to have forgotten her skirt – came on to loud applause and much whooping from her companions, to play – much to our surprise – ‘Great Balls of Fire’.She really was excellent.
‘I wish I could do that,’ I said wistfully, as we applauded her off the stage. ‘I should have kept on with the piano lessons.’
‘I don’t think it would have made much difference. I remember Dad threatening to glue the piano lid down when you were practising ‘Minuet in F Major’ for your grade 1 exam, and I was no better. I wonder what we could have done with our talents?’ Diana said.
‘When Mum gave you a recorder, Dad threatened to start working weekends. I don’t think there is much call for watching a couple of pensioners hoovering or ironing,’ I said.
‘Perhaps not,’ she giggled, ‘anyway I’m just nipping to the loo, all this champagne is doing me no favours.’
A couple of crooners came on after that, with tributes to Bing Crosby and Dean Martin, where the latter very convincingly sipped from a whisky glass throughout his performance and at one point almost fell off his stool.
‘I met Dean Martin, you know,’ Evelyn said. ‘He came to an embassy dinner in Washington, and he was practically teetotal. It was all an act.’
Then there was a very unconvincing ventriloquist with a sock puppet and some googly stick-on eyes that he might have borrowed from the winner of the fruit carving, and finally, two elderly men in short tunics who did a very slow sand dance. We all agreed that they were probably left until last because of all the handfuls of sand they had scattered across the stage.
‘Wilson and Keppel, I believe,’ Evelyn said. ‘Maybe I should have offered to be Betty?’
‘What were they doing?’ Cyn asked, absolutely gobsmacked.
‘I think it was a very successful music hall act in the 1930s,’ I said.
‘You don’t say?’ she murmured.
That wrapped up the evening, and Dick Dainty nimbly negotiated the stagehands who were still sweeping up behind him, to bring proceedings to a close.
‘I was right, wasn’t I, me old salts? What a wealth of unexpected talent! Thank you to all our singers, dancers, comedians, and that chap with the sock. Come on, let’s show our appreciation with another round of applause. Now then, the night is still young, enjoy the rest of your evening and thank you for being such a generous audience. Don’t forget to leave your suitcases outside your cabin doors tonight so they can be collected. Only if you are leaving us at Athens, those of you staying on for more adventures, ignore what I just said, or you’ll find yourself in a right pickle! The last newsletter will have details of the disembarkation. Where you need to go and when. The crew will be around to help you out, and the shuttle buses will be there ready to take you either to the airport or on your last excursion. Goodnight and Godspeed and bless your hearts!’
Dick trucked off the stage to loud applause and Evelyn and I turned to each other.
‘I’m exhausted after all that. So where is Diana, I wonder?’ Evelyn said, eyebrows raised. ‘She’s been ages. Do you think she’s saying her own goodbyes to the handsome Rapha?l?’
‘Either that or she’s got lost somewhere. It doesn’t take this long to find a loo,’ I said.
‘Well, I’m whacked,’ Evelyn said. ‘My age is catching up with me, and I’m off to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast perhaps.’
Our Texan friends declared they were off to the casino, somewhere I had avoided as my luck with such things was non-existent. And when I saw Gerald the pothole-fixer heading determinedly in my direction, I veered off and made a run for it.
Back in our cabin, I was surprised to find Diana making some sort of attempt to pack her cases.
‘I thought you and Rapha?l would be in a last, breathless clinch behind the lifeboats,’ I said.
Diana laughed. ‘I thought I’d be better employed getting this done, and to be honest although it’s been so much fun, I’m ready to go home.’
I sat down on the bed. ‘Me too. I can’t wait to see Eddy; I wonder if he has finished the new patio? My liver needs a rest from all the alcohol, and I need to stop pigging out at every meal. I shall go on a strict diet of salad and tap water I think.’
‘Really?’
‘No, don’t be daft. It has been fun though, hasn’t it?’
Diana stood up from where she had been cramming things into her suitcase and came and gave me an unexpected hug.
‘It has and thank you. I can’t remember when I enjoyed myself more.’
‘Me too,’ I said, and I think for a moment we were both rather emotional. Perhaps our relationship had reached a new depth of understanding, or maybe it was all the champagne.