Chapter 21
ELOWEN
I'm brushing my teeth when someone knocks. The specific rhythm that means Lila.
I open the door mid-rinse. She's holding two mugs of tea and wearing her "we need to talk" expression, lips pursed, eyes wide.
"Saw you come in twenty minutes ago looking dazed," she says, pushing past me into the room. "Figured you could use a chat."
In the bathroom, I spit and rinse before joining her. She's already claimed my desk chair, leaving me the bed.
"I don't look dazed."
"Elowen, you look like someone who spent the day being thoroughly romanced by three different alphas and doesn't know what to do about it." She hands me a mug, grinning. Chamomile, because she pays attention too. "So. Spill."
I wrap both hands around the warm ceramic, stalling. "There's nothing to spill."
"Tyler was grinning like an idiot at dinner. Julian actually smiled in the library… people noticed. And Calder looked like he wanted to fight the world or cry. Possibly both." Lila raises an eyebrow. "That's definitely something to spill."
Heat climbs my neck. "We just... spent time together. That's all."
"Uh-huh. And?"
"And nothing. We talked. Walked. Had coffee."
"Elowen." Lila sets down her mug, leans forward. "I've known you for over two months. You don't get that look on your face from coffee and conversation."
"What look?"
"The 'I want something and it terrifies me' look." She squeezes my hand and sniffs the air. "What's going on?"
No point trying to deny it now. "My heat's coming. Two weeks, maybe."
"O-kay…" She sits back.
"And I don't know what I want. From them."
"What are the options?" She’s practical-Lila now.
"Well, alone, like last time. Which is familiar." I stare into my tea like it holds the answers. "Or... with my pack. Which is terrifying and new and feels right in a way that scares me more than being alone ever did."
Lila nods slowly. "What do they say?"
"It's my choice. No pressure. They'll follow my lead."
"Good answer." She pauses. "So why do you look like the world's ending?"
"Because…" The words stick. I force them out. "Because we're closer than ever. Physical intimacy is building, emotional intimacy is deepening. Everything should be perfect."
"But?"
"But something feels like it's about to shift. And I can't tell if it's just pre-heat anxiety or actual intuition."
Lila considers this. "What does your gut say?"
"That Calder's scared. Not of me, of himself. His fear is surfacing in small ways. His desperate hug tonight, the worry in his eyes."
"You think he's going to pull back." It's not a question. Lila sees it too.
"Maybe. I don't know." I set down my mug before I spill it. "He's so afraid of becoming what he ran away from. What if that fear makes him run again?"
"Would that change how you feel about him?"
The question catches me off-guard. "No. But it would hurt."
"Then that's your answer about the heat." Lila sits beside me on the bed and takes my hand. "You're already in this deep, Elowen. Alone or together, your heat is going to be affected by what you feel for them. You can't un-feel it to stay safe."
"I know."
"So maybe the question isn't 'what's safest.' Maybe it's 'what do I actually want.'"
I look at her. Really look. "When did you get so wise?"
"I've always been wise. You're just usually too stubborn to notice." She squeezes my hand. "For what it's worth? I think you should tell them what you want. All of it. The scared parts and the wanting parts. Let them show you who they are when it matters."
"And if Calder runs?"
"Then he wasn't ready. And it might hurt, but it wouldn't be your fault." She bumps her shoulder against mine. "I don't think he will. I've seen how he looks at you. That's not a man planning to run. That's a man trying very hard not to cage someone he loves."
Loves.
"It's too soon for that," I whisper.
"Is it?" Lila stands and picks up her mug. "Seems to me like you’ve been building up to this since the moment you met. The timeline doesn't matter. What matters is whether it's real."
“What about…” I take a deep breath and release it slowly. Lila doesn’t know that I spoke to Gideon either. “The omegas who died.”
“Have you had your health checks?”
“Yes.”
“But…?”
“But what if Gideon Stockwell is right?”
“Elowen, your heat will happen no matter what you believe, but I don’t think you should base your choices on someone else’s fears.”
She heads for the door. Pauses with her hand on the knob.
"Get some sleep. Decide what you want. Then tell them." She grins. "And maybe invest in some good noise-canceling for your neighbors, because if you choose pack heat, the whole hall's going to know about it."
"Lila!"
"Just saying!" She slips out, laughing.
I sit in the sudden quiet. Staring at my half-finished tea.
But maybe Lila's right. Maybe safety isn't the goal anymore. Maybe the goal is building something real, even if real comes with risk.