34. Chapter Thirty-Four #2
After rearranging his linen closet for the third time in as many days, Zinn finally stumbled onto the answer.
A compromise, really. He didn’t know if he could commit to fully returning Calder’s love, but if he had any hope of getting there, the first step in coming to peace with the past was to shine a light on it.
***
Later that night, Zinn knocked on Calder’s front door. Ked and Jordie waved, then retreated to their rooms.
They sat down at the kitchen table, on the side of the house nearest the bakery. Even with the sweet smells emanating from Felton’s, Zinn imbibed Calder’s pine and clove scent clearly.
“How are you feeling?” Calder asked, sliding a cup of tea in front of him.
“Good. Rested.” Zinn sipped thoughtfully. “I’ll wait another month to take a home test, but I think we both know what it’s going to say.”
Calder looked so eager, Zinn almost felt sorry for him.
But mostly he felt joy that this alpha wanted their son so badly.
“I hope you know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and the space you gave me to process. It feels like it all happened so fast.”
Calder clutched his mug. “That’s true.”
“It doesn’t seem like that long ago when I first walked into Felton’s.
And you were always kind, but then it began to blur.
These past few months especially, it started to feel different.
But before I even registered that, my heat was coming, and we were talking logistics and signing contracts.
A minute later, you’re being wonderful and renting a house and buying art supplies and fucking me sideways, giving me more than I’d ever dared hope for…
and now I’m pregnant with your baby.” Zinn’s lips turned up. “It’s a lot.”
Calder offered a small smile of his own. A reassuring one. “It is.”
Zinn gripped the handle until his knuckles turned white. “This wasn’t the first heat I’ve had where things moved so fast I couldn’t wrap my head around it in real time.”
“Oh?” Calder’s tone was cautious. Neutral.
Zinn gulped. “I want to tell you everything, but it’s hard.”
“Sunshine, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
Zinn peered at him from beneath his lashes.
“I know. And I’m incredibly grateful for your endless patience, for not pushing me to talk about my past. But I’ve had days to think about this.
” He chewed his bottom lip. “Before I tell you about my life before, I want to get one thing on the table first. So you can rest easy while you listen.”
Calder leaned forward in his chair. "Alright."
“No matter what else happens, you will be a part of our son’s life. I want that.”
“You’re sure?”
“It’s a nonstarter. There is no way this baby won’t be better off for having you as his father.
I know what I said when we signed the contract, but as soon as this pregnancy became real, I never truly considered parenting him solo.
But if we’re going to have any chance of being together as more than just co-parents—” Calder’s eyes sparked but Zinn shook his head “—I need you to understand exactly what’s holding me back. In case it changes the way you feel.”
Calder clasped his hand, twining their fingers. “There is nothing you can tell me that will make me stop loving you.”
“You can’t be sure of that.”
“Omega,” Calder stated, his alpha voice echoing in the room. “I will listen to everything you have to say. But. Nothing. Will. Make. Me. Stop. Loving. You.”
Zinn trembled at Calder’s use of his voice. If he hadn’t been desperate to make things work with this incredible man before, he was now.
Still, Calder had to grasp the full situation.
“Even if I’m in love with another alpha?”
Calder flinched, but had the wherewithal to squeeze Zinn’s palm. “Even then.”
With that reassurance in mind, Zinn told him about meeting Valentin and the circumstances of his first heat.
He talked about finding out he was pregnant, and the months he spent waiting in vain for his child’s alpha father to return.
He talked about his parents’ control over him, how they paid Valentin to leave town, and how Zinn still thought there was more to that story.
He spoke about his escape attempt, about waking up in the hospital to discover his baby gone, along with his appendix.
“I don’t even know what gender my child is,” Zinn said mournfully. “And no one other than my brother ever acknowledged that I’d been pregnant or given birth.”
“Your parents just pretended it never happened?”
“Yes. Pretty sure they thought if they persisted with the fairy tale long enough, I might believe it.”
“And they had the doctors remove your appendix. They must have had to pay off a lot of people to keep it all quiet.”
Zinn appreciated that Calder didn’t question the validity of his story, as outlandish as it sounded.
“They use their power and influence to break people. Like they tried to do to me. Even if they never saw it that way.”
Zinn talked about his brother and Antoni.
“At some point, I figured out that Antoni was the one who helped my parents find an adoption agency. And I’ve always suspected that Asher knew more about what happened than he let on.
It’s his part in all this that hurts the most. We used to be close, and he tried to make amends after the baby was born, but I couldn’t forgive him for not helping me before then. ”
Calder took a careful sip. “No wonder you’ve been so reserved,” he said mutedly. “After everything you’ve endured.”
Zinn wanted to cry. Calder understood. “Every morning is a new day I don’t know where my son is. He’ll be eight soon, and I don’t know his name.”
The alpha sat still, his eyes on the table. Finally, he said, “I realize your heat is over, but I really want to hold you right now.”
“Good.” Zinn maneuvered his way onto Calder’s lap. “Because I really want you to.”
“Pesky lingering hormones.” Calder tried to chuckle.
Zinn gazed at him seriously before brushing his fingers along his jaw. “It’s not the hormones.”
Calder embraced him tightly. “I’m incredibly sorry for everything that happened to you.”
“Thank you.”
After a few beats, Calder asked, “How did you end up at Felton’s two years ago?”
“Sometimes I think the better question is how did I survive in my parents’ house for five more years after they took my baby.
” He kept his arms around Calder, but his voice sounded far away.
“It’s hard to remember the person I was before then, optimistic and na?ve.
I’d bitten my tongue more often than not to be the son they expected.
But after that, the whole facade shattered.
I didn’t even try to play the game anymore. ”
“You left on your twenty-fifth birthday?”
“As soon as the law allowed. Sometimes I’m surprised my parents didn’t emancipate me before then. I assume they forced me to stay because they didn’t know what else to do, and my alpha father’s default is to control, control, control.” Zinn squeezed his eyes shut. “Even on that last day.”
“We always act in your best interests! You’re just too stubborn to see it!
We indulged you too much, and then we had to clean up your mess!
” Father shouted. It was the closest he’d come to admitting there had been a baby.
“You’ve defied our will at every turn, made yourself ridiculous to our friends and every potential husband. ”
“I did what I had to do. You stole my son from me. And made me a prisoner in this house.” Zeller’s voice shook.
“You were never our prisoner. You’re our child,” Daddy piped in meekly. “It’s our job to care for you.”
“If stealing my child and then lying about it is your brand of caring, I’ll take my chances.”
Zeller picked up his suitcase—thankfully, his parents had not tried to claim he wasn’t entitled to his clothing—and opened the heavy front door of the estate.
“If you walk out, we’re not helping you get set up on your own,” Father threatened. “Omegas need alpha husbands. Single omegas are an abomination.”
“What you did to me was an abomination. And I never expected your help anyway. I don’t want it.”
“How will we get a hold of you?” Daddy asked quietly.
“Are you going to tell me what happened to my son?”
Daddy looked at the floor.
“You don’t need to get hold of me. Because I have nothing to say to you. Ever.” Zeller took out his phone and put it on the table in the foyer. No use giving his parents a tracking device.
“I mean it,” Father said menacingly. “If you leave, you’ll have no money. No credit. Nothing. We won’t help you. And if you speak out against us, we’ll remind people of all the mental problems you’ve had over the past five years. No one will be on your side.”
Zeller huffed. He was leaving their home forever, and still, Father’s priorities were clear.
“Well, I suppose you’ll be glad to know that I’m not interested in exposing you. Or asking for any help. I just want to put as much distance between us as possible. Once I walk out this door, please consider me dead to you. As you are to me.”
Daddy gasped but Zeller stiffened his shoulders.
With no further words, he left.
“I had a little money I’d saved up,” Zinn said. “I got on a train and came to Bellwether Province. Found Felton’s the next day, and you know the rest.”
“Your family is obviously very powerful. I’m sure it wasn’t easy getting away.” Calder fingered Zinn’s hair, where the tawny gold color was growing in past the darkly dyed locks. “I’m assuming you’re still hiding from them?”
Zinn looped his arms around Calder’s neck and spoke into his chest. “My parents would be looking for their son, Zeller Parkenson. It’s much easier for Zinn Parker to hide.”
“Zeller…that’s the name you were born with?”
“The one best left in the past.”
Calder nodded, then his brow furrowed. “Parkenson. I’ve heard that before.”