30. CHAPTER THIRTY
CHAPTER THIRTY
Wes
T he door clicks shut and I turn to face Joss who is rooted to the spot.
“Hey, sweetheart. Come here.”
She doesn’t make a move toward me, so I close the distance instead, taking her into my arms. Her body feels stiff, and she’s not sinking into me the way I’ve grown accustomed to. It’s almost like we aren’t touching at all despite being close enough for me to feel her breaths and the beat of her heart.
“Joss? Are you okay?” I whisper against her hair.
Her hands find my pecs and she resists the pressure of my hand on her back. I release her, sensing she needs space, but it hurts like a physical blow. If only I could read her mind. I want so badly to know what’s going on in her head.
“Yeah. I, uh… I need to go change. These jeans are dirty.” Her eyes are downcast, looking anywhere but at me as she speaks.
My brain reels, trying to come up with a reason for the chasm growing between us with each second that passes.
“Right, okay, yeah. You didn’t really drink your coffee, want to get brunch after? Get out of the house for a bit.”
“Sure. I’ll, uh, bring your hoodie back over for you. Thanks for…” She stops, clearing her throat like it’s hard to speak to me, studiously picking at the hem. “For letting me borrow it.”
I reach for her, unable to hold back any longer. Her chin tips up when my fingers slide along it. The usual fire in her eyes isn’t there. I haven’t seen it since her parents arrived, and I want it back. Because right now, she’s looking at me like I’m a stranger, not the man who had her flat on her back in bed this morning.
“You can keep it if you want.” I’m not sure I’m talking about just the sweatshirt, but I continue. “I like you in my hoodie, Grey.”
What I don’t say is I like you in my everything . In my house, in my clothes, in my shower, in my bed. I don’t know where her head’s at right now, but I know it’s definitely not a place where she’s ready to hear that. Being in that headspace is new and terrifying for me too, and I’m at a loss for what to do.
She nods, the faintest pink stretching up her neck to her cheeks like she could somehow hear my thoughts. But even that blush doesn’t loosen the knot tightening in my chest with every passing moment. As it wraps itself taut, it’s like I lose my grip on something else. Something I’m not sure I ever really held.
She pulls her chin from my hand, turning for the door, and walks away without a word. The snap of it closing reverberates through my empty apartment, my empty chest, because I’m pretty sure my heart just walked out that door with her.
My feet carry me toward my closet, but I detour to the shower. The wet towel Joss used hangs beside mine and my fingers brush against it like maybe I can absorb the feel of her body from it. Shaking my head, I strip down and turn the water as hot as I can stand it.
By the time I’m done, I feel infinitely more human. I had a good pep talk with myself about how Joss just needs time to sort her feelings out, that she’s in shock from seeing her dad after almost two decades. Everything will be back to normal soon. It will all be fine.
I walk out of my closet in jeans and a black Henley and hear Joss moving around my apartment. She came back .
“Hey there, beautiful,” I say as I walk down the hall.
She takes me in, from my bare feet to my wet tousled hair. There’s a small smile playing across her lips, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Hey yourself.”
She’s still in my sweatshirt, the dark jeans from yesterday replaced with a pair of light wash ripped ones that I like even more. She has tennis shoes on and her hair is tied atop her head. She looks fresh, and I notice her cheeks have more color.
“Ready for some coffee and food?” I ask.
“Yeah. I was just tidying up while I waited for you to get out of the shower.”
“What? Didn’t want a repeat of the last time you came over while I was showering?” I wag my eyebrows at her. Come on, Joss, play with me .
She tucks her chin, eyes averted, but she can’t hide her blush. At least that’s something.
“Shall we go?” I extend my hand to her, hoping beyond hope that she’ll take it. She finally looks at me and our eyes lock. Blue and grey, like a stormy sky. Take it, Joss , I implore her. Please.
She does, and my heart soars.
We’re both caffeinated, fed, and less on edge when we walk back into my place a few hours later. We stopped by the store so Joss could stock her fridge, and I was shocked how doing such a mundane chore with her like getting groceries felt so natural. I’ve never had an easy relationship. Nothing ever felt effortless with Brenna; it was always an uphill battle. Joss and I aren’t even a real couple, but our forty-eight-hour fake relationship feels more real than anything I ever had with my ex.
The question I keep coming back to now, in between our bouts of conversation, is whether a real relationship is what I want. I haven’t ever been interested in settling down. My parents were never a great example of a loving marriage. My lifestyle in the military didn’t feel conducive to a stable relationship. To be fair, my lifestyle now doesn’t feel all that stable either.
Joss deserves someone who will be her rock, who’s there for her. Can I be that person? I don’t even know how to be that person for myself, let alone for someone else. If I were ever going to try though, it would be for her. She’s so much more to me than my friendly neighbor, but am I enough for her? Am I the kind of man that she needs? That she wants?
It’s really not helping that she’s been withdrawn since her parents left. I’m gathering she needs to do this on her own. And that would be okay, I could give her the space to do that even though it would kill me, but ever since she told me about them, we’ve been a team. Now I feel like she’s adrift in the middle of the chaos, and even though I want to pull her onto my life raft, she won’t take my hand.
“You’re awfully quiet over there,” I say, watching how she’s leaning back against the counter, arms across her chest, staring out across my apartment like she can see to the ends of the earth.
“Sorry, just got lost in my brain there for a minute.”
“Yeah, I noticed. Want to share any of those big thoughts with me?” I ask, knowing I’m holding back my own.
Her shoulders lift with a big inhale and then she sags back against the counter as she blows it out, her eyes dropping to her shoes. “I don’t know where to start. Honestly, I think I just need to be alone to sort through some things. Is that okay?”
“Of course that’s okay. I’m not going anywhere, Joss, you know that.”
She nods. “Yeah, thanks. I better go back to my place. I should clean up over there. You probably want your apartment back anyway. I’ll come over tomorrow to move my stuff out.”
She’s still not looking at me, at least not directly. What the hell happened? The space between us yawns open again, growing even wider. Maybe everything I’m feeling is one-sided and I’m alone in wanting our arrangement to change and develop.
“There’s no rush, Joss, don’t worry about that. ”
I knew this was fake. I knew it was supposed to just be a show for her parents, but her moving her stuff out feels final. Like the end of something we never really had.
“Yeah, okay.” Her hands tighten on the counter before she pushes away. I can’t just let her leave like this.
“Joss?”
“Yeah?”
“I know you feel like you need to do this on your own right now, and that’s alright. But I need you to know something.” I finally have her attention, eyes fully on mine, and there’s something stirring underneath. I slowly step closer. “You deserve to have people in your life who will be there for you no matter what, okay?” Her eyes turn misty, a single tear sliding down her cheek that I can’t resist swiping away, leaving my hand cupping her face. “Do you believe me, sweetheart? I need to hear that you understand I’m not going anywhere. I’m willing to share the burden if you want me to. Tell me you believe that.”
She shakes her head, another tear escaping when her lids close tight. She’s breaking and I don’t know how to hold her together.
“I don’t know how to believe that, Wes. I just don’t.”
For the second time today, she turns away from me and walks out, shoulders shaking under the weight of everything she’s always had to carry alone.
I pace my apartment. The hours between Joss walking out of here and now have stretched on for what feels like an eternity. My stomach chooses this moment to rumble, and the thought of eating alone, not sharing dinner with her like we do almost every night, feels like one more punch to the gut.
Every minute of the last few days runs on a loop in my head. The way she let me in, telling me about her family. Our first kiss on the couch. Waking up this morning tangled in each other. The taste of her skin, the feel of her body. How she let me hold her on the bathroom floor, and the way she handled her parents. The look in her eyes when they finally left. The way she just shut me out. All of it, again and again and again.
If today felt overwhelming for me, it was a hundredfold harder for Joss. I wish she would talk it out with me, let me carry some of it. She trusted me enough to let me in, and it was an honor that she did. I don’t understand what happened between then and now, how I somehow lost that trust. I’m desperate to find a way to fix it.
I run my hands through my hair, knowing it must be a mess by now. I take in each and every item that she placed in the apartment. I want to hold them all, these pieces of her that she left behind. The blankets, the pillows, the books, the frames—
A jolt goes through me. Walking with purpose to the kitchen, I grab the paper bag that’s been sitting there since last night when I came home with the pizzas. I’d completely forgotten about it when Breck and Talia showed up. Pulling out the contents, my fingers caress the smooth metal, coasting just above the glass.
My heart clenches as I take in every detail. The picture is one Breck sent me. It’s a candid of Joss and me at the bonfire. Her legs are draped over the arm of her chair so they lie in my lap and my hand rests on her thigh possessively. Our faces are lit by the firelight, and we aren’t looking anywhere near the camera. No—we only have eyes for each other.
I don’t remember that exact moment or what we were talking about, but my heart yearns for it. A stolen moment, forever immortalized. I had it printed and framed yesterday. At the time, I told myself it was just a part of the ruse, a way to prove our relationship to Joss’s mom. But looking at it now, I understand it better.
I saw this picture and it let me in on a secret I’ve been keeping from myself: none of this is fake. That the faking is what we’ve been doing all along, well before this weekend. Pretending that our connection is less than it is when really, it’s everything.
Holding the picture, I walk to the couch and pick up my phone. I’m ready to call Joss and force her to talk to me, to share this revelation with her. I flip it over in my hand only to see my little sister’s face on the screen, her FaceTime call coming through. I try to remember the last time we talked. Too long. I hang my head, feeling guilty. I haven’t been the best brother the last couple months. I slide my finger across the screen, setting the frame on the table as I sink down into the couch.
“Hey, Roars,” I say, and she grimaces.
“Hey there, stranger,” she says. She’s always hated that nickname. As she takes me in, her face softens. “I’ve missed you.”
“I know, I miss you too. I’m sorry I haven’t been great about calling. I’ve just been really busy. ”
“How are things going? How’s the flying?” I can feel her worry through the phone.
“It’s going great. I love taking these groups up, it’s so chill. Nothing like it was in the Navy. And working with Breck, getting to do life so closely with my best friend… it’s freaking cool.”
“Wes, that’s awesome. I’m glad you and Breck are getting this time together after so many years apart.”
“How are you, baby sister?” I pry. “How’s work been? Gearing up for winter already from what I saw on Instagram this week.”
“Work’s fine, I guess. Posting snowy pictures just doesn’t feel right in September, but I guess that’s life when you work for a ski resort.” She shrugs sounding resigned. “But…” She stretches the word and her turquoise blue eyes brighten. “Jamie and I did a photoshoot together last week. It was an elopement actually. He was the officiant for some friends of his, and I did the pictures. It was so amazing.”
There’s an excitement laced in her words now, a stark contrast to the indifference of her tone when she was talking about work. Maybe it’s time for a change for her too. “I’ll send you a couple of the proofs. We’re even talking about doing more of them. Just as a side hustle—for fun.” Her face is alight with joy at the prospect. It’s always been obvious to me where her passions lay, and it’s not in content creation for our hometown ski resort. Seeing her with a camera in her hand was all I ever needed to know she was meant to be a photographer.
“That’s incredible, Rory. Really, I can’t wait to see the photos.” I let all the pride I have for her permeate every word. I know she doesn’t get that praise from our parents .
“Hey, I was thinking that maybe I could come for a visit in the spring. Are you still planning to be there for a year?”
Her question hits home, and I’m not sure what to say. After everything that was revealed today, everything going on with Joss, I can’t imagine leaving her.
“Earth to Wes? Where’d you go there, brother?” Her voice snaps me back, and I try to smile.
“Yeah, sorry. Yes, I’ll be here for at least the year. Maybe longer, I’m not sure yet.”
I can’t make eye contact with her. Even with the screen and thousands of miles between us, she’s too good at reading me, and I don’t know if I’m ready to tell her about what I’m feeling for Joss yet.
“Longer? How much longer?” Her voice pitches higher with each question. It’s not like her to spool up over stuff, so I know I’ve hit a nerve.
“Roars, nothing is set in stone here. I just know that at this point, I’m really happy with what I’m doing and I’m not ready to come home.”
“ Yet , right? You’re not ready to come home yet ?”
My eyes shift away. If what I have with Joss is the real deal like I hope it is, I don’t know what that will mean for where I’ll end up long-term.
“Wes?!” she yells through the phone.
“Look, Rory, I don’t know, okay?” I shout back, and then feel an immediate pang of regret. When I finally make eye contact with her, she looks shocked and sad. Shit, are those tears in her eyes ?
“Fuck. Rory, I’m sorry. It’s just…” My head falls back. I’m going to have to tell her. Maybe it’ll do me some good to get someone else’s opinion on this anyway. “I’ve met someone, Roars. I think she might be it for me.”
Her eyes are wide when I lift my head.
“I think I’m in love with her,” I add, because why not.
More silence, and then she swallows and lets out a low whistle. “It’s your neighbor, right? Joss?”
“How did you know that?” I snap forward, getting closer to the phone like it will actually bring me closer to my sister who, I’m realizing, I need right now.
“Wes, I know you. You talk about Joss even more than Breck anytime I ask what you’ve been up to. She’s the main character in most of the stories I read in your emails. I’m not stupid, I’m just surprised. You’ve always been sort of a date ’em and skate kind of guy. I don’t mean that in a bad way, you’ve just never been interested in anything serious. Even with Brenna…” She stops short and gives me an apologetic look. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring her up.”
“It’s okay. She’s not someone I worry about anymore.”
“That’s good to hear at least.” She sighs. “Wes, I just want you to be happy. But I wish you could be happy here. I miss you. All the time.” Her face falls. I wish I could reach through the phone and give her a hug.
“I miss you too, Rory. You know I do, and you know I love Tahoe. It’s just…” I exhale, trying to get my thoughts in order. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I wish I could have both, but I don’t think I can. ”
She takes in a shaky breath, clearly trying to keep it together. God, I hate causing her pain. But then she looks up and smiles.
“Have you told her? How you feel, I mean?”
I rub my hand along the back of my neck, avoiding eye contact as I voice my greatest fear to her. “We’ve only just kind of moved out of the friend zone. I don’t want to scare her off by being too much too soon. I don’t know if she wants this.”
“Wes”—her gentle use of my name draws my gaze—“you’re a larger-than-life guy. You never hold back. Don’t start now. This may be the first time you’ve truly fallen in love, but I’ve seen how you love your family and your friends. How could she not want that? How could she not want you?”
Damn. Now I’m the one having to squeeze my eyes shut against the tears threatening to spill over. I had no idea I needed to hear this.
“Jeez, Rory, way to make me all misty-eyed,” I say with a weak smile. “I get what you’re saying, I do. She hasn’t had a lot of people who were there for her throughout her life, you know? She hasn’t gotten the love she deserves. Even though that’s exactly what I want to give her, she’s skittish and has trust issues. I think that’s been on her mind from the beginning. That I’m temporary.”
I rub at my eyes. Saying these things out loud for the first time makes them real. “For me to prove to her that I’m in this, I think I’d have to move here permanently.” I open my eyes and see my words hit home. It breaks my heart a little more to see the initial look of pained shock cross her features.
She sucks in a big breath and closes her eyes, a single tear dripping down her cheek. Part of me wants to take it back, but I know I can’t. I don’t know how to comfort her, but when she looks at me again, I realize I won’t have to. Her face has a determination in it, filled with that fierce loyalty I know and love, and her voice is strong. “Then that’s what you’ll do.”