Chapter 4 #3
Stanley pushes the door open, and the island’s covered in textbooks and laptops.
Benson is at one end with his MacBook open and a highlighter in his hand.
Rowan’s across from him with a binder that has tabs in it.
Percy’s at the far end with a paperback that’s clearly not a textbook but is held in a way that suggests it might be.
There are wrappers from something on the counter.
Three mugs. A bag of pretzels that Rowan is eating from without looking.
It’s just the boys.
Benson looks up. “About time.”
“We were having a man date,” Stanley announces, peeling his jacket off. “Excuse us.”
“You smell like wings.”
“Thanks, cap. I worked on it.”
Stanley pulls up a chair at the island, and he grabs the highlighter out of Rowan’s hand without asking.
Rowan, without looking up, says, “Stanley. I’m fucking using that.”
“I’m using it now.”
Rowan steals it back. Stanley turns to Benson. “Why are we studying? Where’s Lucy? I thought this is what your girlfriend’s for.”
“We’re done with tutoring sessions this week. I’ve got my midterm on Wednesday. She’s got a hundred percent student success rate, and I’m not breaking her streak.”
Stanley, slowly, raises his eyebrows. “Wow.” He looks at me. “The captain has been domesticated.”
“Grab your shit and join us. You need to study too.”
“Where are the girls, then?”
“There are six of them studying at Lucy’s right now.”
Stanley stands to attention at this. “Who’s there?”
Benson looks up and thinks. “Lucy. G. Mara. Penelope. Penelope’s new roommate and her friend.”
A small thing moves in my chest. I keep my face still. Stanley hasn’t turned to look at me, which is the only mercy in the kitchen right now.
“Huh,” he says. “Sounds like we’re gonna be seeing a lot of that.”
“Of what?” Benson asks.
“The girls together. All of them. Now that Pen’s got a new roommate. The whole thing’s expanding. The Girl Cinematic Universe is expanding. We’re entering phase four.”
“Please shut up,” Benson says. “I’m trying to read this.”
I open my mouth. “I’m gonna shower.” I turn and take the stairs.
Behind me, on the landing, Stanley calls up, “I’m not walking in on you this time, Golding. You finish your business. I learned my lesson.”
“Good,” I call back without turning.
I hear Stanley say, “I’ve been traumatized in this house. I’d like it on the record.”
Rowan says, “Noted.”
Benson says, “Leave Blue alone.”
“Cap, he’s my favorite guy right now.”
The kitchen sounds fade as I climb.
I go straight to the bathroom and lock the door this time. I check it twice. I crank the shower handle to H and let it run while I get out of my clothes. I peel my shirt off over my head. My shoulder grabs like a bitch. I drop my jeans on the tile and step under the spray.
The water’s too hot. I stand there for a second with my head down and the water pounding on the back of my neck. I look at my dick. It’s already hard. This time, I don’t fight the thought, even though it’s fucking with my head. Ever since she walked into this house, my head’s been in a trance.
I let it come.
Her under me. The way she fit against my body. Her laugh. The way she hesitated to kiss me. The taste of her gum. The way I knelt down in the shower and washed her body. The way her eyes gazed into mine. Her beautiful smile.
I get a hand on myself.
This time I don’t stop.
I pump. The blood does what it’s been trying to do all day.
My breath shortens. My free hand braces against the wall.
I close my eyes and let the memory go where it wants and it goes everywhere — her thighs, her mouth, the small sound she made the first time I got inside her, the way her nails dug into my shoulder, the wet hair on my chest after, the way she’d looked up at me in the steam and not said anything because she didn’t have to.
I’m not careful with myself.
I don’t pretend it’s a different girl.
I cum into my own fist hard enough that my knees lock and my forearm slams against the tile.
I make a sound that I’m grateful nobody outside this bathroom can hear, and the world goes white behind my eyelids for one long second.
I stand there with my forehead almost touching the wall and the hot water pounding down on the back of my neck, and I wait.
I wait for the relief.
I wait for the hum to come off my skin.
I wait for the thing in my chest to settle.
I wait for the wall in my head to be there again, the way it’s been there for two years, neat and tidy and a foot thick.
I rinse my hand and stand there for another minute.
It doesn’t come.
Instead, my mind replays what happened after that night. The way I ran from her just to avoid saying hi. Catching her bright eyes across the quad and feeling like I could die. The anxiety that ripped through me whenever I went to school.
I stand under the stream, wondering what the fuck’s wrong with me.
What the fuck did I think was going to be different?
The truth is that Melly and I have unfinished business, and the more I try to push her out, the more I crave her.
It’s a sick cycle that’s been happening for fucking years.
I wished I’d never told her I was coming to Camden U. I would bet money that she wouldn’t have come here otherwise, and I wouldn’t be dealing with whatever the fuck this is.