Chapter 5 #3
Stanley arrives at the table. He starts massaging Benson’s shoulders from behind. Benson doesn’t react because his attention is on Lucy only. They’re murmuring to each other.
“I’m going to need a tutor like you really soon,” Stanley says into Benson’s ear.
Benson, without breaking eye contact with Lucy, kisses her again. Then he turns his head and says, “Where the hell is Blue? He’s supposed to meet me. I’ve got the tape.”
Run.
That’s all I hear in my head. I need to leave right now.
I stand abruptly.
Mila looks up at me. “Where are you going?”
I don’t know.
“I have a thing.”
“A thing?” she says, quietly, while Stanley and Benson argue about the hockey tape.
I nod and gather my tray. I say goodbye to the group. Lucy looks at me with a small, concerned expression. I push the tray onto the rack at the door, and I push through the doors of the dining hall onto the brick path between the buildings. I’m power-walking with no destination in mind.
Then I look up to decipher where I’m going, and Blue is ten feet away, walking in my direction.
Every hair on my arms goes up.
He has the hat on forward today. It’s almost worse than it is backward because either way, my chest aches in a mournful way.
He sees me almost right away. His face doesn’t change. The shade of his hat shadows his eyes, and for the very first time in our existence together, his eyes stay on mine.
He keeps walking. I keep walking. In high school, he always walked past me like I didn’t exist. Right now, he’s holding eye contact with me until I have to be the one to break it.
I shuffle past him and feel the air close behind us. We don’t say anything to each other, and I can’t figure out if that’s a good or bad thing. My pulse is in my ears. I walk in the opposite direction from the dining hall. I don’t know where I’m going. And then I stop in my tracks and turn around.
Blue is gone. He’s already in the dining hall, and I’m left with that tightness in my chest. But this time, it’s turning into full-on anxiety.
I shake out my cold fingers and try to think of what to do now.
Well, I know what to do. I can’t be in a relationship if I feel this much towards another person –– it’s not fair, and I need to work on myself by myself.
I used Chase to get over Blue, and it was wrong.
I pull out my phone to text Chase. I open the thread, and he’s already messaged me.
Chase: Sorry, I’ve been busy at work. The Halloween party is this weekend at Troy’s. I can’t wait to see you.
My stomach drops out of my body.
Me: Just got out of my second midterm. I think I did okay.
I bite the inside of my cheek again. I send the next one before I can stop myself.
Me: I don’t think I can make it to Troy’s this weekend.
The bubbles come up immediately.
Chase: What?
Chase: It’s Halloween.
Me: The girls wanted to get dressed up together. We’re all matching.
A pause.
Chase: So fuck me then.
I swallow. My heart is pounding so hard I can feel it in my fingertips.
Me: What?
The phone starts to ring in my hand.
His name is on the screen.
I look at it for one full ring, then I click answer.
His voice is on the line before I can say hello.
“What are we doing, Melly?”
“What do you mean?” I gasp as my heart beats rapidly.
“You’re going to spend Halloween over there?”
My throat is tight. The words come out smaller than I want them to. “Yeah, the girls wanted —”
“The girls?” He scoffs. “What about us?”
The line goes quiet.
My breath is coming out in small white puffs in front of me because the temperature has dropped two degrees in the hour I’ve been outside, and I don’t know what to say to him.
“I just wanted to have fun with my friends.”
A hand lands on my shoulder. I jump out of my skin, and then I see Mila’s face. She’s bundled into her coat and her cheeks are pink from the walk. She doesn’t say anything. She nods at me.
Chase makes a noise on the other end of the line.
“So you’re canceling Halloween on me.”
Mila nods at me again.
“Yeah,” I say. “And I think we should talk.”
“We are talking.”
I look up at Mila with my eyes wide. What now.
Mila puts a hand on my back.
“Yeah,” I say into the phone, “but we should talk in person.”
The line goes silent.
I look at Mila. My heart is in my mouth. She rubs my back and nods, once.
“Are you — are you still there?” I stutter.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Chase says.
I open my mouth, but he cuts me off before I can get a word out.
“Don’t tell me you want to talk in person just to make me drive ninety minutes over there so you can break up with me, Melly.”
The first tear breaks past my eyelashes. “I’m sorry.”
“Wait, you’re seriously breaking up with me?”
I can’t look at Mila. I look down at the sidewalk between my feet, at the small puff of my own breath leaving my mouth in the cold.
“I’m sorry, Chase.”
I think I hear him sniffle. I’m not sure. The wind is doing things to the connection.
“Have fun at Camden, Melly.” His voice isn’t yelling, but I can hear the pain in it. “I hope it’s everything you ever wanted.”
“Chase,” I get out, but it comes as a soft cry. “I’m sorry.”
He ends the call.
The phone goes silent in my hand.
I lean into Mila and cry.