Chapter 13 #4
“I am,” I argue. “I’ve been in –– I am so pathetic. I’ve been obsessed with him––” and the thought hits me right in the chest, “I can’t let him go.” I point at my heart, my head, my entire body. “I keep trying, and this –– this is fucking me up.”
She pulls me back in. I cry into her shoulder again.
I cry the way I haven’t cried since I was seventeen years old, four days after Blue Golding left me asleep in a bedroom and didn’t text me, when I sat on the floor of my mother’s bathroom with the door locked and cried so hard my mother knocked through the door to ask if I was throwing up.
I cry the way I cried then. I haven’t let myself feel this pain since then.
When he disappeared for college, I only silently cried.
This feels much worse –– to know that I haven’t been crazy this whole time.
Somehow, I feel like I’m the same girl, in college now, in a different house, with new friends, crying about the same boy.
Some things, I’m learning, don’t actually change.
The door to my bedroom opens.
I look up.
Penelope peeks her head in. My heart stops when I see her sympathetic face. I don’t know how much she heard, but she stays quiet as the door falls open and she crosses the room with her arms open.
She is followed in by Mara. Then Gianna. Then Lucy.
They don’t say anything.
They just come in.
And my heart is in my throat right now. They all see my tears, and I’m mortified.
Penelope wraps her arms around me from the side.
Her hand goes flat on the small of my back.
Mara hugs me from the other side, her chin on the top of my shoulder, her hair smelling like the floral perfume she sprays in the bathroom in our apartment when she comes over.
Gianna leans her forehead against mine and squeezes my upper arm.
Lucy folds herself into the edge of the group hug and puts her hand on the back of my hand where it’s hanging onto Mila, and the smallness of the gesture is the part that finally breaks me.
We stand in the middle of my bedroom in a tangled hug of six girls.
I cry harder.
I’m embarrassed, but more than anything, I’m angry. I’m pissed off at Blue for making me feel like this. I hate that I’m crying over him again, but I can’t help it. I’ve kept this locked away deep inside of me, and Lucy somehow found the key and let it all loose.
Mila pulls back first.
She takes my face in both hands. Her thumbs wipe at the tears on my cheeks. Her own eyes are wet because Mila can’t watch me cry without crying.
“Why,” I get out, breathless.
The girls pull back to give me air.
Nobody says anything as I scrub my face with the heel of my hand.
“Why is he doing this to me again?”
The girls don’t know what I’ve been through. They can’t answer.
Mila looks at Lucy for one full second.
Lucy speaks gently. “If it makes you feel any better, Melly, Blue was really on edge. That’s why the guys called the house meeting. He’s been mad, and they were convinced it was because you had a boyfriend.”
Gianna snaps her fingers. “Right. So they called the meeting to tell him you were single, so he would stop being so upset.”
Lucy nods. “Benson said Blue took Stanley down on Monday. He has been playing extra aggressively since you went to the Halloween party with —” she hesitates, “— with Chase.”
Mara says, “And he’s a rink rat. I don’t think hockey players know how to express their emotions.”
“Yeah,” Gianna says. “Guys suck.”
Mara adds, “There’s one way to find out, though.” She catches her own tone. She backtracks. “But only if you want to.”
Mila looks at me.
I look at Penelope.
“Earlier,” she says. “When I asked you your type, and you said you didn’t have one?”
I keep looking at her.
“Is it because you have only ever had eyes for Blue?”
My heart sinks. My eyes water. My stomach goes into knots.
I nod.
I clutch my chest. I pat my heart, lightly, with the flat of my hand, as if to comfort the organ for what I have been putting it through.
Lucy is the first to speak. “Just come with us to the game tomorrow.”
I inhale, wanting to reject the idea. I don’t think I can face Blue knowing that his teammates sat him down to talk about his unknown emotions for me.
I look around at the four girls who I didn’t even know a month ago, and how we’re all standing inside my princess bedroom.
Mila’s at my side, rubbing my back. They’re all concerned for me, not teasing me or making fun of how I feel.
That’s new. I’ve only had Mila –– she’s such a hard-ass sometimes –– tell me that I overthink everything, and these girls are validating my feelings.
Lucy seems convinced –– because she heard Blue herself.
Mila whispers, “Let’s just go.”
I turn to her. “You think?”
She nods, and I don’t know why, but that makes me feel more confident. If Mila thinks it’s a good idea to go, then maybe I should.
I look back at Lucy and nod. “Okay. I’ll go.”
Mila squeezes my shoulders.
The girls exhale, and the room feels lighter. Lucy and Gianna offer gentle smiles. Penelope is nodding softly. Mara is looking at Mila. My heart squeezes at the thought of going to one of his games. I haven’t been to one in years.
“Tomorrow,” Mila whispers.
I nod. “Tomorrow.”