53. Chapter Fifty-Three #2
I turn around and look up at my window. All of them duck. Gianna bangs into Stanley, and the two of them start arguing. I chuckle at the sight of them rubbing their heads. Percy looks over his shoulder at me, then the window.
“Christ,” he says.
I face forward, letting my laugh die.
This is the thing he was afraid of. This exact group of people, their laughter, their jokes. I look down at the card in my hands. They know. All of them. They signed this card and planned everything that happened upstairs.
“You have your own card,” he says, his breath physically in front of him in a cloud. It disappears within seconds, and I watch it go.
I look down and read it all again.
He was never going to lose them. I cling to his jacket tighter.
“Did you know,” I say. “What they did upstairs? Just now.”
He doesn’t say anything.
“They really love you.”
He looks at the window and shakes his head. “I know.”
“I understand why it mattered to you. I’ve gotten really close with the girls, and they’re great.”
“You have?” he asks.
I nod. “Yeah, but I never told them about us.” I mention it because I’m worried that’s what he’s thinking.
He surprises me when he says, “You could have.”
“It wasn’t mine to tell.”
He looks at my hands and then at my face. “I don’t deserve you, Penelope.”
That makes me want to cry. “Is that why you haven’t called?”
His eyes travel down my face. “I thought you didn’t want me to call.”
I press my lips together.
His eyes stay on his jacket wrapped around me. “I didn’t know you wanted me to call. I would have, Penelope. I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”
I don’t say anything.
Then he says without looking at me, “You don’t want to be with me.” He says it flat, to the frozen sidewalk, and I don’t know if he’s asking me or telling me.
And then, after a long moment, he says, “Do you?”
I look at him red-eared, freezing, shoulders gone tense on the bench like he doesn’t want to know the answer.
Then he looks at me.
“I would understand,” he says before I can say something, the words coming faster now. “I’ve been trying to give you your space––”
“Percy, wanting you was never the problem,” I blurt before I lose my nerve.
He goes still.
“That was never a problem,” I repeat. “It’s not what broke us.”
I look down at the card. My hand’s shaking, from the cold and from the rest of it.
“I need to know what’s different,” I say. “Your friends and my friends.” I hand him the card back. “They’re upstairs. They went all out for us, and you’re not up there, and I don’t understand because I thought this was what you wanted. I thought that was the problem, but it’s not, is it?”
He doesn’t say anything for a long time, and I feel the whole thing starting to slip, because this is the part he’s never been able to do. I tuck my fingers into the sleeves and hug myself tighter.
“I’m scared,” he finally says, and my heart sinks because I wasn’t expecting that.
It comes out low and rough, aimed at the sidewalk.
“I’m not used to this.” His hands rub his chin and then he covers his mouth for a moment.
He clamps his hands together and continues, “Hawthorne was the first place in my life where I could breathe.” He nods deep in thought.
“And I thought that there was no way that life handed me two good things at once, so I fucked it up with you. I knew what you were asking, and I couldn’t do it –– but I love you, Penelope. ”
His voice is in pieces, and every word is in English, not in French.
He turns his head, and his eyes land on mine. My chest goes tight.
“I knew the moment you spilled that drink on me––” He lifts both eyebrows. “On us –– my freshman year that I loved you.” He watches me as something flickers on his face. “I need you to not go to Chicago,” he says.
I look at his face, seeing if he’s serious. “No?” I whisper.
“No.” One corner of his mouth goes. “The guys have this trip. Last one before they graduate, they’re making it a whole thing. There’s a bed for us.” He stops. “They know about us because I told them everything.”
“Are you asking me on a ski trip, Percy Deveroux?”
He smiles at that, hesitating. Then he leans back, keeping his eyes on mine. “Actually, I’m asking you to be mine where people can see,” he says. Then he leans in and murmurs, “The skiing’s extra.”
I smile at that, looking at his handsome face. “I ski, for the record.”
“You do?” he asks as his eyes trail down my face.
I nod. “I did growing up.”
“Then come,” he says easily. His eyes on mine. “Come with me.”
His eyes soften, and I stop shivering when he looks at me like that. All this time, I thought he wasn’t going to be able to give me what I needed. My heart sank when he wasn’t on the other side of that door up there, but I understand why he was on the bench instead.
“Are you sure, Pers?” I ask, losing my train of thought because of the way he’s looking at me.
“You know, at the end of every day, I’m only sure of one thing.” He nods. “And that is I’ll always love you, Penelope.” His eyes glisten as he stares deep into my eyes. “Always. I’m sorry I’m not––”
“It’s okay,” I say, reaching for him. “I love you, too, Percy.” I lift my hands to caress his cold face. “Always.”
His throat bobs, looking at me as I lean in. I kiss him softly on his lips. His mouth is warm against mine, so I melt into him. He pulls me closer. My lips hurt when the wind hits, so I pull back and rub them.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
I nod. “I don’t want to go to Chicago.”
“Come on. Let’s get you inside.” He stands, pulling me up with him. He takes my hand in his and walks to the main entrance.
The lobby door opens for us.
All of them have come down; they’re crowded in the lobby, and the second they see him holding my hand, the whole place erupts.
Stanley screams and launches himself at Percy. Gianna’s clapping. Mara’s got both fists in the air. Benson’s clapping. Melly’s jumping, and Blue is standing at the back with his hands in his pockets, and he catches my eye over all the noise, and he nods once.
I came out this morning planning to drive to Chicago, so I wouldn’t have to watch these people be happy in pairs. And here they all are, celebrating in a lobby at six-thirty in the morning. They all knew about this and planned it.
I glance down at their shirts. My face is now on it with a heart. I glance around. They did this while we were outside.
Gianna explains, “We assumed you’d say yes.”
Percy’s hand tightens around mine in the middle of all of it, and I look up at him, and he’s not looking at our friends. He’s looking at me. In front of all of them, not looking away.
“You did say yes, right?” he says.
I nod, smiling. “Yes, Percy.”
Everyone squeezes us into a warm loud hug, chanting our names.