30 - Grayson #2
“I didn’t want to mess this up.” She looks down at her hands. “I mean, you’re not looking for anything serious right now either, so what is there to be uncertain of?”
My stomach twists as I realize that I hadn’t brought my concerns to her either.
I decided I want more, but I never told her. And because neither one of us can apparently communicate for shit, I’m sitting here head over fucking heels for this girl, while she wonders when I’ll move on.
“I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but that doesn’t mean this hasn’t turned into that anyway.” As the words leave my mouth, a weight lifts off my shoulders.
“What are you saying?”
“That I don’t just want to test the waters. I don’t want to take it one date at a time. I want this. Us. Not some vague exclusive secret, but a real relationship.”
Her eyes widen slightly. “You don’t want that with me.”
I ignore the knot tightening behind my ribs at the thought that she might not want me like that at all.
“I want it with you, Avery.”
“But why?” She shifts uncomfortably in her seat.
All I can do is look at her, wondering how the hell she doesn’t see in herself what I see.
“Because you help random old men take selfies in the park. Because you have two best friends that you will so clearly do anything for, and when a new woman came to town, you folded her into your group without pause. Because you’ve somehow managed to become one of Liam’s best friends and the voice of reason he needs to hear a majority of the time. ”
“Grayson.”
I cut her off. “I’m not done.” I pull her hand further onto my lap. “Because you have two parents who raised you to believe that love was toxic, and an asshole ex who practically confirmed it, but tonight, you came here anyway.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“The fuck it’s not. A couple of months ago, today’s argument would’ve had you avoiding me for months.
But you’re here. You showed up with actual food, while you braced yourself for whatever was waiting for you here.
Because somewhere along the way, I started mattering to you.
Enough for you to risk the fight and the fallout just to see me. ”
My hands slide up her arms.
“And somewhere along the way, you started mattering to me. Enough for me to ignore every wall you’ve tried to use to block me out just to see you. And Avery, I see you. All of you, baby.”
She swallows. “I don’t know.”
Fuck.
The air leaves my lungs in a slow, defeated sigh.
She shifts, leaning toward me. “No. Not like that. It’s just…
” she bites her lower lip. “This is just fast. I mean, a couple of months ago, I wanted nothing more than sex ever again. You’re talking about a real relationship.
It’s just–” words fail her for a second.
“I just never thought I’d want to do that again. ”
“And now? Do you want any of this?” My voice is hoarse.
“Maybe?” Her eyes hold mine, pleading for a patience I’m fighting to find. “You’re saying everything I want to hear, but I don’t know that I believe this kind of thing can last.”
“Okay.” I try to hold on to the fact that I don’t know is a whole lot different than no.
“Okay?”
“If you knew for certain you didn’t want this, that would be one thing." I wait until she holds my gaze. "But you said maybe."
She tilts her head, an endless stream of unspoken words flying behind her eyes.
“I’m in this, Avery.” I shrug, forcing myself not to sound as desperate for her as I feel. “But I can wait until you are, too.”
“Grayson–”
“Just tell me one thing.”
She swallows. “What?”
“When you picture the end of all this, once you’ve had all the time you need to figure it out…” My thumb brushes across her knuckles. “Do you think there’s a future where you actually want this?”
“Want what?” She frowns.
“Me.” The word comes out rougher than I intended.
“I do want you.”
“Not sneaking around. Not whatever we’ve been doing.” I shake my head. “Me.”
Her eyes soften.
“A future where you want to introduce me as your boyfriend instead of keeping me as your secret. Where you stop looking for reasons this won’t work and start letting yourself believe it might.”
I let out a breath.
“Because I know you want me, Avery. I just need to know there’s a chance you’ll eventually stop being afraid to have me.”
My fingers tighten around hers, and her breath comes out shaky.
“Because I tried for months not to want more with you without realizing I already do.” I continue, my voice more sure now. “I’d like to know there’s at least a chance that someday you won’t be terrified of letting me want you out loud.”
For the first time all night, she doesn’t rush to answer, instead taking the time to actually think about it.
And when she finally speaks, her voice is barely above a whisper.
“Today at the restaurant, when you walked away from me, I thought you were done with me.” Her voice catches.
“And for a second, none of the other stuff mattered anymore. Not relationships. Not labels. Not any of the reasons I’ve been freaking out.
” Her hand slides against my jaw. “I was just scared you were leaving.”
I exhale sharply. “Really?”
Her nose wrinkles as a small smile appears. “I know I can’t give you any certainty right now, but I promise, I’m trying.”
The knot in my stomach loosens just enough to dull the ache of her not being sure about me yet.
She leans forward and wraps her arms around me. I hold her tightly, burying my face against her hair.
“Okay,” I murmur.
“You’re really okay waiting?” She mumbles into my neck.
I pull back, resting my forehead against hers. “As long as we’re moving toward something.”
For the first time all night, she looks relieved.
And finally, I feel like we’re on the same side again.
I close the distance, pressing my lips to hers, and we both settle into the kiss, the last of the tension between us draining away entirely.
I kiss her deeper, unable to stop smiling against her mouth.
She shifts, slinging one leg over my waist until she’s sitting astride me.
“Look at us,” I tease, trailing kisses along her jaw. “Our first fight.”
She pulls away with a smirk.
“First fight?” Her hands slide under my shirt. “We’ve been fighting way longer than we’ve been fucking.”
I snort. “Two of the things we do best, Chaos.”
“We should go ahead and cross them both off the list tonight, then.”
I scoop her over my shoulder, and she squeals when I carry her down the hall so that we can do exactly that.