CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Avonlea – Now
The five-hour drive back to Skye wasn’t enough to figure out how to make all of this okay.
I think Lennox and I are alright now, considering we had the same hours-long drive yesterday to hash things out. There was yelling on his part, tears from us both, and finally some level of acceptance.
The biggest question at the end of the day, whispered across his pillow while I tucked him in last night, was whether or not Jamie is going back to America or if he’ll stay in Scotland.
It’s a question I don’t know the answer to.
His time here was supposed to be temporary—a year at most. Two of those twelve months have already passed… So what happens at the end?
This was part of how I justified my decision to keep this to myself. I know what it feels like to be left by Jameson Murray, and I don’t want that for Lennox. I don’t want it for me again either.
I don’t want to hope he’ll stay for us—for me.
But I think I’m already lost to that hope.
And seeing him on my front porch when I pull up to the cottage only raises them. Even if it’s just as likely he’s here to dash them instead.
He’s sitting on the top step. Green boots planted a few steps below, a cake of mud around the soles. His dark jeans are tucked into the boots and his classic white tee hugs his shoulders and chest. His forearms are propped on his knees and his hair is tousled, eyes hiding behind his glasses.
I park and swallow a breath that feels too thick before pushing the door open. Before I step out, I reach to the passenger seat and grab my red wellies, sliding them on because there was no driving in them.
The gravel crunches under my feet, taking me closer to the man who holds so much of my future in his hands.
His chin dips, perusing me as I walk. From my boots to my bare legs. The denim shorts and my white flowy top that’s tucked into them. It was warm in Glasgow this morning, but there’s a bit of a chill here, and goose bumps break out across my exposed thighs.
When his gaze finally meets mine, there’s a warmth—a heat—in his eyes that makes me blush. Those green eyes. I swear I’ve always been able to feel them when they’re on me. I feared I’d never feel their focus on me the same way again.
“How long have you been waiting here?” I ask, my voice high thanks to my nerves.
“A little while.” He holds his hand out to the side, silently asking me to sit. So I do, keeping a few inches between us. Afraid if we touch, the conversation might not happen. “I wanted to be here when you got home.”
Why does that make my heart beat erratically in my chest?
“Do you want to go inside to talk?” I ask him, squeezing my hands in my lap to keep them from shaking.
“I thought maybe we could take a walk, if you want.” He nods toward the lane.
“I’ve been sitting in that car for hours. A walk sounds good.”
He pushes off the step to stand, his fingers brushing against mine, and it’s enough to electrify my entire body. How he manages to have such an effect on me after all this time, I’ll never understand.
“Avi?” he asks, and I glance up to find that same hand extended toward me, a grin around his lips that brightens his irises to match the greenery around us.
I slip my fingers into his and he trails his thumb over the top of my hand before he pulls me up. There’s something about this casual Jamie that reminds me so much of the boy I knew.
Is he still in there—that boy I fell in love with? I’ve glimpsed him under this new manly exterior, but he’s so different. I know I’m different too.
With a light tug, we start walking and I gently shake my hand free, under the guise of pulling my hair into a braid over my shoulder. The constant state of touching is more than I can bear right now. My body, my heart, and my brain don’t know how to take it.
“Nox doing okay?” Jamie asks, glancing sidelong at me before looking ahead to wherever he’s leading us.
I love that he’s thinking of Lennox—of how he’s doing. Concern for his well-being is a good sign… And that hope blooms again.
“I think so. We had a lot of time to talk. He had questions, many of which I can’t answer for him…
” I watch my feet, afraid to ask those very questions myself.
At least Lennox was brave enough to voice them, unlike me.
“And he’s not particularly thrilled about being in Glasgow for another few weeks.
He wants to be here, but Mum and Dad are determined to make it as special for him as possible. ”
“And how are your parents? You told them—that I know—I assume?” he asks, voice low and cautious.
“Yeah, I got to be on the receiving end of one of my mother’s ‘I told you so’ looks.” I glance up and catch his puzzled expression. “She told me that if I didn’t tell you, you’d figure it out, and she was right. Dad was—well, Dad. He’s worried about all of it.”
“I think I understand a little better now why his handshake that first night was a little intense.” He shakes his head, lines forming between his brows.
I chuckle and say, “I think my dad got over the fact that you got me pregnant a long time ago.” My attempt at humor falls short and I see Jamie flinch slightly. “Shit, I’m sorry.”
Too soon for jokes about this, I guess. It’s a deflection method I’ve gotten good at, but it’s not always the most helpful.
“It’s okay. I just—I still can’t believe it, you know.
” His eyes find mine, and they’re sincere and full of emotions I can’t begin to understand.
“That wasn’t a reality I lived through like you did.
It’s a shock is all. You were pregnant. And I missed it.
” He shakes his head like he truly can’t fathom this, and the sadness in his voice makes it sound like he wishes more than anything he could’ve been there, seen it, been part of it.
“I—” I begin, but he cuts me off.
“Please don’t apologize again.” He holds a hand up and offers me a kind smile—one I’m not sure I deserve. “We’re past the apologies I think at this point.”
“Are we?” My voice cracks. I feel like there must be more apologies I owe him. I’m not sure I’ll ever believe it’s been enough.
“We are,” he states matter-of-factly, and then he grabs my hand and pulls me toward the loch. Toward the small cove we used to come to. The one where we kissed for the first time our last summer together, where we agreed to a summer of only kissing and staying friends in the end.
How very stupid we were.
“Jamie.” I’m breathless and a little nervous about why he’d bring us here of all places.
“I haven’t been back here. Not since that summer.” He walks a little ways away before turning around to face me. “I couldn’t bring myself to come alone. I knew it had to be with you, or not at all.”
“Why now?” I ask, tentatively taking a step, and then another.
He shrugs and closes the distance between us with one large bootstep. We’re close enough that just leaning in would bring us together, bodies brushing.
“Truth?” Jamie asks.
My swallow is heavy—thick with nerves—and my stomach clenches. “Always,” I whisper, because going forward, he deserves to always have the truth from me. He always did.
“Would you like to go on a date with me?”
“A date?” I say, shocked, but my lips tug up involuntarily, eyebrows meeting my hairline.
“A date, a real one. We never got that chance. Instead, we agreed to a summer of just kissing, where we’d stay friends in the end. None of that worked out the way we planned. Maybe we need a new plan.” He pushes a wayward strand of hair behind my ear.
Butterflies zip to life in my stomach and my heart flutters in rhythm with their wings. The fear of the unknown from earlier gnaws at me too, and I don’t know what to say.
“I don’t know, Jamie.” His face falls so I hurry on, pressing my hand lightly to his chest. “It’s not that I don’t want to. But your time here is temporary, and I already don’t know what that means for Lennox. I—”
“Avi,” he interrupts me, and the way he says my name, though gentle, leaves no room for argument. “I’m just asking for one date. A chance—to talk, to listen, to see…”
“But…” I bite my lip and watch him from under my lashes.
“Please, Avi. Let me take you on a real date. Something I never got the opportunity to do, and maybe we can find some answers to the questions we both have about what happens next. We take it one step at a time, yeah?”
His sincerity mixed with the smell of him, earthy and masculine, weakens my resolve. As if it wasn’t already putty around this man. “Okay.” I breathe the word and with it feel something inside me shift slightly. “One date.”
His lips lift into the first true smile I’ve seen on his face today.
That smile used to be the thing that brought me more joy than anything else.
I would’ve traded every smile from every other person in the world if I could just have one more of them.
The only smile that rivals it is Lennox’s, and as I think about it now, it’s because it’s always reminded me of Jamie.