CHAPTER 4
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Quay
I swear sitting in jail gave a man too much time to think.
That was the worst part of it.
Not the noise, or smell. Not even the guards walking around like they was gods in this bitch.
It was the thinking.
Too much time to sit with every bad decision, every secret, every lie, every moment you should’ve handled shit different but didn’t.
And ever since Kales left that visitation room in my head without even stepping foot in it yet, I had been uneasy.
I knew she was coming.
I felt it.
Maybe not that day. Maybe not in that exact hour. But I knew Kales wasn’t gone sit with what happened forever without needing answers. That was just who she was. She could be soft when it came to me, but she wasn’t weak. Never had been.
So when the guard came to my cell and told me I had a visit, my stomach tightened before I even stood up.
I already knew who it was.
The whole walk down the block to the visitation area had my chest feeling heavier than normal.
I told myself to keep my face straight and to stay calm, because maybe this was my chance to explain enough to keep her from drifting too far away from me.
But deep down, I knew I was probably already too late.
When I walked into visitation and saw her sitting there, that shit hit me in the chest so hard I almost stopped in my tracks.
Kales looked good, but not good in the way I liked. She wasn’t glowing. She looked tired, hurt, and drained.
Like life had been chewing on her all week and she ain’t had the strength to chew back.
Her hair was pulled up like she ain’t feel like doing nothing extra to it. No real shine in her face. No light in her eyes. She looked like she hadn’t been sleeping right, hadn’t been eating right, probably hadn’t even really left the house unless she had to.
And knowing her, she hadn’t.
That alone fucked me up.
Because I knew I did that.
Not by myself maybe. Not fully. But enough.
I sat down across from her slowly, picking up the phone.
She picked hers up too, but she ain’t say nothing at first.
She just looked at me.
And that look said more than words ever could.
All I saw was disappointment, pain, and anger.
And something else that hit harder than all of it…Betrayal.
“Hey,” I said, even though that weak ass word ain’t fit nothing about the moment.
She let out a laugh, but it was empty. “Hey?”
I swallowed and leaned back in my chair a little. “Kales.”
“Nah,” she cut in. “Don’t ‘Kales’ me like shit normal.”
Her voice wasn’t loud, but it was sharp enough to cut skin.
I shut up.
She looked me dead in my face. “I came up here because I needed to hear it from you. I needed to see if you was gone keep lying to me while sitting in a jail uniform looking stupid.”
My jaw tightened.
I could already feel where this was going.
And I deserved every bit of it.
She laughed again, but this time it was bitter. “You know, I really came here ready to ride for you. That’s the fucked-up part. I came here still trying to be down for you. I came here telling myself that whatever this was, me and you was gone get through it.”
Every word felt like a blade.
“Then your baby mama showed up at the house.”
There it was.
I closed my eyes for a second.
Just one second.
But that was enough.
When I opened them back up, the look on her face told me everything.
She saw the guilt and the truth.
I was caught before I ever even opened my mouth.
“So it’s true,” she said, her voice lower now.
I rubbed my hand over my jaw and looked down for a second before forcing myself to meet her eyes again.
“Yeah,” I said quietly.
She nodded like she expected it, but it still hurt anyway. “Yeah.”
For a second, she looked away from me, blinking hard.
I hated that.
Hated seeing her trying not to break right in front of me.
“It was a mistake,” I said.
The minute the words left my mouth, I knew how weak they sounded.
Kales looked back at me like she wanted to spit on the glass between us.
“A mistake?” she repeated. “A baby is a mistake?”
I exhaled slowly and dropped my head for a second. “That situation was some drunk shit. Me and Victoria, that wasn’t nothing. It happened one night. One fucked-up night. That was it.”
She stared at me in disgust.
I kept talking because if I stopped, I probably wouldn’t say nothing else.
“When she told me she was pregnant, I gave her money to get rid of it.”
The words sounded even nastier out loud than they had in my head all this time.
Kales’ face changed instantly. It wasn’t softer it was colder.
“You gave her money to get rid of your child?”
I swallowed. “Yeah.”
Her lip curled. “You trifling as fuck.”
I ain’t even defend myself.
Couldn’t.
Because what was there to say?
I was trifling.
I had been.
And now all that ugly shit was reaching back up from the grave and choking everything I actually cared about.
“She ain’t do it,” I said. “And now here we are.”
Kales laughed again, but this time there were tears in her eyes and that shit damn near broke me.
“Now here we are?” she said. “Nigga, you in jail for murder. Your baby mama pulled up to the house with your son on her hip asking me for money. The police took everything. I’m sitting in that house by myself trying to figure out how the fuck I’m gone survive, and all you got is ‘now here we are’?”
I gripped the phone tighter.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
And I meant that shit.
More than maybe I had ever meant anything.
Because sitting there looking at her, I could see what this had done.
Kales had always carried herself a certain way. Even when she was tired, even when school had her stressed, even when life was life-ing, she still had something in her eyes. Something steady.
That was gone right now.
And I had to sit there knowing I helped take it from her.
“I know you sorry,” she said. “You look sorry.”
I let that sit.
She wasn’t wrong.
“I was supposed to have your first child,” she said after a minute, so quiet I almost didn’t catch it.
That one hit deep.
Because she was right.
Me and Kales had talked about it more than once.
She wanted kids, but she wanted to finish school first. She wanted to get through nursing school, get stable in her career, and then start that chapter the right way.
I had told her I was cool with that because I was.
I wasn’t in no rush if it meant doing it with her.
She was supposed to be the one.
The first woman I really saw forever with.
The first woman I pictured building something real with.
The first woman I wanted to do right by, even if I had already done too much wrong to deserve her.
And instead, I had handed that position to a mistake.
And now it was all over Kales’ face.
“I wanted that with you,” I said, my voice low.
She shook her head. “Don’t do that.”
“I’m serious.”
“Well, serious should’ve came before the lies.”
That shut me up again.
Because every time I thought I had found the right thing to say, the truth came and knocked it flat.
She looked at me for a long second, and this time the anger in her face gave way to hurt.
The kind you can’t fight.
The kind that just sits there fucking you up deep down inside.
“I ain’t been sleeping,” she admitted. “I barely been eating. I ain’t really been nowhere. Every day it’s something else. Reporters. Bills. Questions. People looking at me like I’m stupid for loving you.”
My chest tightened so bad I had to look away.
Because I knew her.
I knew when Kales got overwhelmed, she folded into herself first. Stayed in the house. Stopped taking care of herself the way she should. Let her thoughts eat at her until they damn near swallowed her whole.
And the fact that she was going through that because of me made me feel lower than low.
I was a sorry ass nigga.
No way around it.
No pretty way to say it.
No excuse heavy enough to bury it.
I got her into this shit.
All of it came with me.
And I had brought it straight to her door.
“I never wanted this for you,” I said.
“But you still gave it to me,” she shot back.
Thick, heavy, final silence fell between us.
Then she straightened up in her seat like she was reminding herself why she came.
“I came up here to tell you I was gone ride with you,” she said. “But now? Fuck you.”
I felt that in my gut.
Still, I nodded.
Because what else was I gone do?
Beg?
Lie again?
Act like she ain’t earned the right to say that?
Nah.
So I just sat there and took it.
“You should’ve told me,” she said, standing up. “About all of it. The baby. Her. Everything. You should’ve gave me the choice to decide what I wanted to deal with instead of making me look stupid.”
“I know,” I said.
“And that’s the crazy part,” she replied. “You know a lot of shit now.”
Damn.
That one landed exactly where it was supposed to.
She put the phone down, and for one second she just looked at me with exhaustion. Like love didn’t live between us anymore.
Like she was too worn down to feel anything clean anymore.
Then she turned and walked out.
I stayed there staring after her even after she was gone.
The guard eventually came and told me it was time.
I got up and walked back to my cell like my body was moving on its own.
When I stepped inside, Reese looked up from where he was sitting and knew right away something had happened.
“That bad?” he asked.
I sat down on the bunk and dragged both hands over my face.
“Kales came up here.”
He waited.
I let out a breath. “Victoria went to the house.”
Reese blinked. “Your baby mama Victoria?”
“Yeah.”
“With the baby?”
I nodded.
He leaned back slow and shook his head. “Damn, Quay.”
I laughed, but it was dry and dead. “Yeah.”
“What the fuck did you get yourself into?”
I ain’t answer him right away.
Because the truth was, I ain’t need nobody to ask me that.
I had been asking myself that shit ever since them cuffs clicked around my wrists.
Hell, probably before that.
I looked down at the floor, elbows on my knees, hands clasped together.
“I fucked up,” I said finally.
Reese ain’t say nothing.
Maybe because he knew there wasn’t nothing to say.
Maybe because he could hear in my voice that I wasn’t talking about one thing.
I wasn’t just talking about Victoria.
Or the baby.
Or even Kales leaving that visitation room done with me.
I meant all of it.
Every choice that brought me to that cell with nothing but regret and too much time.
I truly fucked up.
And I ain’t need nobody to tell me shit.
I already knew.
I sat there in deep thought, staring at that dirty floor like it might have answers in it.
But it ain’t.
All it gave me was silence.
And in that silence, one thing became real clear.
I had fucked up for real this time.
And there wasn’t no turning back.