Chapter 16
aimee
I wandered aimlessly around the lodge, wringing my hands in front of me—skin chaffed and rubbed raw, but I couldn’t stop. I’d spent the last three days in bed, curled up, not leaving for much.
Everyone was concerned—I knew. They just didn’t know that their concern felt like a weighted wet blanket, suffocating and confining. And it didn’t matter how much I wanted to get out from under it, to get up and prove them wrong, to let Orion’s words guide me. I couldn’t.
I’d just curled tighter, pulled the blankets higher and shut my eyes against the world—the noise, the people, the incessant brightness of it all.
Eloise had stayed with me the first day, and I couldn’t stop crying.
I hated that I was wrecking her vacation because she was stuck dealing with me and my issues.
The next morning I’d forced her to leave me, and she’d argued and I argued back until I screamed at her.
I wrung my hands harder, ignoring the burning pain.
I tried to take a deep breath to stop the shallow pants threatening to knock me out.
The hardwood floor was solid under my feet, causing my footsteps to echo faintly.
I’d wanted to find somewhere to hole up, somewhere quiet and secluded that wasn’t my room.
I squeezed my eyes shut and the image of Eloise’s hurt expression after I’d screamed all my hurt at her.
She’d flinched as I threw it all at her—every ounce of my pain.
It was more than I had ever let anyone know.
She’d looked sad then, and had turned around and walked out.
I’d sunk to the floor, sobbed after that, and had crawled into bed at some point.
I spent the rest of that day crying and trying to calm down, to find a rational thought. I wasn’t overly successful.
When I woke up this morning, Eloise was already gone. Her bed was empty and when I pressed a hand to it, it was cold. And tears had welled up again. My red puffy eyes were probably what had Zara texting her brother in a worried frenzy after I ran into her.
I hadn’t wanted to run into anyone, and now I could only assume that Lukas was on his way.
And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him or not.
I wasn’t sure how to feel about him—why I reacted to him the way I did—why it had been a struggle to keep myself from wanting to be around him.
More than once I’d thought about going to find him.
Being in his arms the other day—the last time I’d felt that safe… well, it was a long time ago.
I stopped pacing and found myself standing in front of a window.
The view outside was of clear blue sky, towering evergreens and snow covered peaks.
I brought a hand up, and pressed it against the glass—cold to the touch, it soothed the raw burning of my skin.
I let it ground me. I shut my eyes and drew in a deep breath, locking it inside and holding it until my lungs cried.
I let it out slowly, in shaky, stuttering bursts. When I opened my eyes, I felt a little calmer, and a little more level, a little more in control. And like the worst friend ever.
“Aimee.”
Quick footsteps thudded down the hall behind me. I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Lukas, but I did.
The tension I expected to tighten across my shoulders and down my back didn’t happen.
He was breathing heavily. His cheeks and nose were wind-blown and rosy. His dark hair mussed in that way it always seemed to be. His gaze frantically searched mine and then scanned the length of my body.
He took a step closer, his hands up in hesitation—like he wanted to reach out and touch me but wasn’t sure, and something in his haste to get here, the wrecked state of my emotions and just everything I’d been carrying for so long, tears burned in my eyes—again.
And then I was pressed against his chest, wrapped in his arms and crying. It was dumb—the tears, this need for him. I didn’t get it, and I shouldn’t want it.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. Ssssh,” he whispered, his hand rubbing up and down my spine.
It just made me cry harder, or maybe it was the sharp stab of betrayal that was spearing through me at the thought of this moment betraying Asher.
I shoved myself away from Lukas, out of his arms and back against the picture covered wall.
I stilled, tears dripping off my chin as I waited for the rattling of the frames to come crashing to the floor.
My chest heaved, and once again, I was so sick of crying.
But that lancing pain came again and again, shoving into my chest, my heart, my side, every part of me until it was the guilt and betrayal pinning me to the wall.
This time his hands were raised in a placation.
“What just happened? Tell me where your head’s at,” he said softly, his voice gentle as if he were trying to not scare a frightened animal.
But maybe that is an apt description. I felt trapped, like at any moment the world would cave in around me. Breaths sawed in and out of me, my eyes were trapped wide and not really seeing, but not unfocused either.
I should not have left my room.
I should not have left my bed.
I shouldn’t have come on this damn trip.
“It should have been me.”
I didn’t realize those words hadn’t been in my head like they always were—they were words that I rarely gave voice to.
Lukas was suddenly in front of me, his hands on either side of my face, forcing me to make eye contact.
“No,” he said forcefully.
I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to deal. I just couldn’t anymore. This trip had been a bad idea, agreeing to come had been worse. It had been nothing but hell since the first evening, and there were weeks still to go.
“Aimee, I need you to look at me.”
Something in his voice made me do just that, despite not wanting to. Just being here with him right now hurts. It hurt so much because I wanted it. And I shouldn’t want it because there was Asher.
I met his stare—it wasn’t hard, it wasn’t angry or frustrated or anything that felt like a rough emotion. It was soft, pleading, full of a request for understanding.
“Don’t ever think you’re not deserving.”
Heat burned in my eyes and more tears fell. Lukas brushed them away, the pads of his thumbs both soft and rough on my cheeks.
“You are not that accident.”
I blinked hard, more tears spilling out. I wanted to believe him. He searched my face, looking for some kind of acknowledgement from me that I was hearing him and that I believed him. His thumbs continued to sweep across my cheeks and the simple act made my lower lip and chin tremble.
“Something terrible and life-changing happened to you. You didn’t cause it. It was not your fault.”
Again, I squeezed my eyes shut. I was still pressing myself against the stupid wall of too many pictures—many of which were digging painfully into my back.
“But I wanted the lift in the program,” I managed to whisper, shame flooding me.
Lukas’ hands moved from my face, and he pulled me back to his chest. I buried my face in his jacket, my hands trapped between us as he wrapped me up in his arms again.
“Listen to me, Aimee Bryant,” he said to the top of my head, “What happened that day on the ice was no one’s fault.
Skating is dangerous on any given day—and the choice to do that lift held no bearing in what happened.
There was an accident, you participated in a dangerous sport.
I know you’ve heard those words so many times, and I can only hope that one day you believe them.
and if I have to tell them to you every day—”
I wiggled my hands out and wrapped them around his waist, holding him as tightly as he was holding me.
I felt like I’d fall away, sink down and down and down until I couldn’t get back up.
There was a light pressure on the top of my head that felt awfully like a kiss, but I didn’t move. I didn’t want to move.
I hated that I wanted to stay here forever.
I loved the feeling of his arms around me.
I hated the feeling his arms around me gave me, fluttering safety, giddy warmth, and patient strength.
“You are so much more than that day, and you have so much more ahead of you. It’s okay to miss him, it’s okay to hurt, but it’s not okay for you to blame yourself for something you had no control in.”
More tears slipped out, coating my cheeks and soaking his fleece jacket.
“I just feel so guilty. All of the time. It just eats at me,” I mumbled words into his chest that I hadn’t really confessed to anyone besides my therapist. “It should have been me because he had so much more to give.”
Lukas pushed me back with such force I startled. He grabbed the sides of my face again, this time he looked almost angry, “I really, really need you to hear me Aimee. Like, really hear me. You. Are. Not. Worth. Less.”
He took a breath and let his thumbs sweep across my cheek again.
“You do not have less to give than Asher. The outcomes of that day…neither of you deserved the cards you were dealt. He saved your life that day. I watched it happen in real time, and he did everything he was supposed to do as a partner.
“You can’t know that,” I said tearfully.
Why my brain couldn’t just take Lukas at his word, believe him and just be happy. I wanted desperately to get out of this mindset, but every time I felt the tiniest inclination of being happy the guilt rushed in and left me spiraling.
“Did you ever watch the breakdown of the fall? Did anyone ever sit down with you and show you what exactly went wrong? What happened?”
I shook my head, the motion stilted because of his hands. “No.”
He let go of my face and grabbed my hand, “Come with me.”
I followed him into the small library that was down the hall. It was packed with shelves overflowing with books. Some looked brand new, others well-loved and I assumed they were donations from guests who had brought them, and they forgot the books when they left.