Chapter 44 #2
I laid there until the sobs turned into silent tears that slipped down my cheeks. When I sat up, my head felt stuffy and heavy and I didn’t know if I wanted anything of Asher’s—but then I saw it.
The tears burned hot once again, and with shaking hands I reached for the teddy bear that was on the floor near the foot of his bed.
It was the first bear we’d ever been tossed after a program.
He’d picked it up and handed it to me—white and fluffy with a big red bow.
I buried my face in it, and remembered how we’d drafted a contract for joint custody.
Brennan thought us insane, and had offered to get another bear, but Asher had been insistent.
Getting to my feet, I used the cuff of my sleeve to wipe my eyes, holding the bear close. I wasn’t sure if there was anything else in this room I wanted. Maybe one day when things weren’t so…much, I’d go through it again.
I went downstairs. The sun had set, and the lights were on. The Lelands still had most of their holiday decorations up—Mrs. Leland was never one to put them away early, always saying the house was so depressing once everything was back to normal.
The second to last step creaked, and she looked up from where she was talking to my mom. Her eyes softened at the bear in my arms. I sucked in a deep breath.
He’s dead.
And for once, that recognition didn’t hurt as much.
“Jon and I—we have no plans to do anything with his room yet,” her voice wavered. “So if you ever want to come over, or if—”
I squeezed her hand, grateful.
The idea of touching more of his things—it didn’t appeal to me right now. I had what I wanted, and if a day came and something changed, I’d let them know. And for the first time in a month, I found myself not wanting to entirely disappear into the darkness.
A day later, I was at the rink.
I pulled my sleeves down over my hands and focused on watching the little kids skate around. Brennan was sitting a few rows down and to my right I wasn’t sure if he knew I was here. I didn’t think anyone knew I was here. I’d sat up high in the stands, hood up, not wanting to be noticed.
His daughter—seven-year-old Madison was a force on the ice, skating circles around everyone.
It made sense with who her father was and I knew she wanted to figure skate, but with her force and power, it kind of made me wonder what she would be like on a hockey team.
I knew the local team was enamored with her — they were often on the rink after us, and she liked to hang around and show off.
Brennan was going to have his hands full when she got older.
She skated up to the wall close to where he was sitting.
“Is she gonna be here soon?”
He looked at his watch and nodded.
I slouched lower in my seat and tugged my hood a little lower. It was weird being back here. The rink looked no different. It had been over a year and almost two seasons…but I thought that maybe it would feel different—like the echo of Asher’s death would still be felt.
But instead it just felt like the typical cold associated with ice rinks.
I’d thought about joining the kids on the ice—the urge to skate had been reawakened in me.
I didn’t want to compete anymore, but I did want to feel the rush I felt that day Lukas got me on the ice for the first time in years.
But then I got scared that it wasn’t actually the skating that had made it feel so good, but him and I’d convinced myself not to do it.
I saw Louis first. He strode in with his bag slung over his shoulder.
Brennan stood up and shook his hand and they talked quietly. I kept meaning to reach out to Louis, but with everything that had happened, I just never did. I’d been semi-active in the group chat, but mostly just lurked, offering the occasional comment or reaction. They didn’t pressure me though.
Lukas wiped out a little over a month ago.
Things were kind of getting back to a normal that made sense. My birthday had come and gone. It was weird being another year older than Asher would ever be.
I swallowed the hard lump in my throat and tried to not slip into the past. The last month had been hard, brutally so.
I’d basically shut down after Lukas’ wipeout.
It took days of me being practically a ghost, before I’d slowly pulled out of it.
My parents had been worried sick, Eloise had sobbed when my eyes finally refocused.
I’d been so lost in my head—all the worries and fears and the memories replaying in constant, never ending loops in my brain.
I’d been exhausted and had slept for almost two days straight after I came to.
My parents took me to the hospital and they gave me the all clear.
My therapist prescribed some new meds and I’d been taking it easy.
A week after we’d gotten home, Zara’s text had come through—the time and date of her trial with Brennan. I made a note on my phone of the date and time.
And today, I slipped out of the house—leaving a note for my parents.
They would have wanted to come, and it would have been a whole big thing, but I just wanted time for myself.
They’d been a bit over stifling lately—not that I could blame them.
I needed a few non-sleeping hours to myself.
I needed to come here, remember the memories by myself.
Louis was lacing his skates up when Zara strolled in.
A man and woman behind her smiled at Brennan, who reached his hand out.
They must’ve been her parents. My eyes scanned the area behind them without my permission, looking for Lukas.
There was no way he was going to miss Zara’s trial. But I didn’t see him.
I clenched my hands into fists and wanted to scold myself for the hope that I let bubble up.
I’d put off texting and calling him so many times—my thumb hovering over his icon.
It was weird that we didn’t have a phone history, but for those weeks, we hadn’t needed them.
And now, I wanted to have a face to face talk, and I was hoping that he’d be here today and that could happen.
I guess he didn’t want to come…didn’t want to chance seeing me.
I watched and Brennan walked Zara over to Louis and introduced them.
She blushed. Objectively, Louis was cute.
He had the floppy dark hair thing going, the glasses, and an attractive face.
He looked like a hot nerd—like he liked to sit in dark, moody coffee shops with a book.
He was also genuinely nice, caring, and would be a great partner for Zara if she chose to go that route.
I guessed Brennan would have her skate first by herself so he could gauge her skill level, and then he would have the two of them skate together. He was primarily a pairs coach, but I had a feeling he would make an exception for Zara.
Zara quickly laced up and she and Louis did a couple of laps around the rink to warm up and then I watched the trial.
Zara was good—she had definitely gotten better since the last time I saw her skate.
Brennan waved her off the ice, and then spoke to the two of them.
Louis held out his hand and Zara took it and they made their way to the center of the rink.
“Now, I know Zara, you’ve never skated with another person before, and Louis, you have. So Zara, let him lead and—”
“Do you know Aimee’s “Love Story” program?” Zara asked.
Louis nodded—I knew he knew it. He’d helped me practice it years ago when Asher had been out with the flu. Nicola had been on vacation or something.
“I—I know it. We could do it,” she said, looking at Brennan.
He considered it, and then nodded. “Let me cue up the music.”