Chapter 23 Matilda
I called Lily as soon as Luca left that night, and she promised to come round the following morning before her class.
Although I had a disturbed sleep filled with restless overthinking, I still couldn’t say what had happened that night felt wrong.
Was it reckless given our current situation?
Completely. But something about it had felt right.
The sound of the door unlocking echoed through the apartment as Lily let herself in. I was pulling on my tights and dance shorts when she strutted into my room.
“Tell me everything,” she said, giving me a quick hug before jumping on my bed.
“Hey! I just made that.” I flicked her foot.
“I’m trying to get you to loosen up a bit,” she said.
“By messing up my bed?”
“It’s called exposure therapy, babe.”
“I am not scared of a messy bed.” I crossed my arms, grabbing my moisturizer from the vanity.
“I’ve known you for—what, sixteen years now? You’re not fooling me.” Her lips curved up in a mocking smile. To prove my point, I jumped on the bed beside her.
“See?” I stuck my tongue out. “We can’t take too long, by the way. I need to drop Taylor at her dance class this morning.”
“Because that’s not Lauren’s job,” Lily noted sarcastically.
I rolled my eyes.
“Anyway.” She clutched my arm eagerly. “Stop keeping me waiting. Tell me how you were making love-heart eyes with Luca fucking Vasvault.”
I dragged my hands through my hair with a groan.
“Lily, I have no idea what’s happening.” My voice was hushed as if he could hear us. “After he didn’t turn up at the event—”
“I cannot believe he did that, by the way. And then to call you a liar?” Her nose wrinkled.
“I still can’t quite believe it either. But things have sort of changed between us. He was being a dick because he thought I was hiding stuff or manipulating him for something.”
“Why would he think that, though?”
“I don’t know…” I trailed off. I usually told Lily everything, but for some reason, telling her about Luca’s past just didn’t feel right.
So, I offered a small truth. “He’s super cynical, to be honest. He doesn’t trust anyone.
I think he expected me to fight back when he was being a dick, and because I didn’t, he assumed I was being tolerant for my own gain. ”
“So, because you’re a super-nice, considerate human being, he was pissed and decided to punish you?”
“Well, he did overhear our conversation earlier that day.” I cringed. Opening the moisturizer, I collected some on my fingers before rubbing it into my face.
“And? That’s what best friends do—gossip.”
“Then, when he asked me whether I genuinely enjoyed working with him, immediately after he’d overheard our call, I lied to his face and said I did.”
I attempted not to smile as Lily tried to find a way of justifying it, wanting to have my back.
She laughed. “OK, that’s not great. But still. Does Luca not understand that people sometimes tell white lies to protect feelings?”
“That’s the thing, though, he doesn’t. He’d honestly rather you insult him and be honest than protect his feelings and be fake. So we had a big blowout. He turned up at my apartment with coffee and pastries, and we actually talked about what was going on, and voilà, everything changed.”
“In what way?”
“Not nicer, exactly…” I trailed off, searching for the right word. “Just less antagonistic, I guess. Like, we are having genuine conversations longer than one or two words, and he sometimes does really considerate things, even though he passes them off as nothing.”
“And this guy supposedly hated you a few weeks ago?”
“Exactly! It’s so weird. But he makes a point of never acknowledging the nice things he does.
” And while I still found Luca more infuriating than anyone I’d met, my pulse always betrayed me, spiking the second he looked my way.
Worse for me, I’d started to enjoy the hours we spent together now that he’d let his guard down.
“We were practicing a lift, we stumbled, and we were this far apart.” I held my hands up, illustrating the distance.
“And then”—I narrowed my eyes and pouted at Lily—“someone texts me that I’ve needed to get laid for the past year while my phone was mirrored on the TV.
” I hid my face behind my hands, laughing.
“And he now knows I’m a loser who can’t get laid! ”
We were both on our backs, laughing at my expense, which made me feel better.
I’d woken feeling tense and irritable, unable to stop my mind from replaying the evening.
I wanted to ask why he’d had to leave when we’d had such a good evening.
I knew the answer, but I wanted him to vocalize it.
There’d been this tension between us since we’d started practicing the lifts, which had only thickened the more time we spent together, yet neither of us had acknowledged it aloud.
“He doesn’t think you’re a loser,” she offered. “He’s probably thinking about how tight—”
“Lily!” My cheeks heated, and I pushed her shoulder. “What do I do? What if I turn up today and he’s acting all off again?”
She laughed and gave me a tight hug. “You do what he’s been telling you to do all along! If you turn up today and he’s acting like a wanker, tell him.”
“And if he gets angry?”
“You can tell him you’ve done nothing to warrant his anger and that he specifically asked you to be honest with him, so if Luca is getting all shitty because you’re doing exactly what he asked you to do, then he needs to get a grip.” Lily’s smile was wide and victorious.
I turned over and threw my face into the mattress, groaning, “Why do I feel like this is going to get messy?”
“Because you’re an overthinker. And Mark fucked with your head.” She isn’t wrong. “How’s he been this season?”
“OK, I guess. We’ve had a few tense run-ins but I try to just forget about them, to be honest.”
“I actually hate that guy.”
“Don’t waste your time hating on him, Lils. He isn’t worth it.” And he wasn’t. I felt so indifferent toward him these days that it didn’t bother me when he was purposefully antagonizing or trying to control me.
Her jaw hinged open. “How can you say that? After you found him sleeping with Lauren a week after you broke up? You should still be seething at him!”
I tried not to think about it. The humiliation. The fact it was Lauren.
Perhaps I should have seen it coming. I had already let their constant flirting go on for far too long, convincing myself it wasn’t worth causing drama.
But when I’d caught his palm resting on her upper thigh while they were chatting at a family dinner, a part of me had cracked; not just because of their behavior, but because of how I’d become so used to ignoring my own feelings, all for the sake of keeping others happy.
My therapist’s voice had replayed in my mind as I’d watched them talk: Your worth isn’t defined by how much you sacrifice for others.
I’d known I couldn’t keep ignoring it any longer. When I’d finally confronted Mark, he’d said I was reading too much into things, that he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t trust him—and so he’d ended it.
When I’d found them together a week later, I hadn’t known what to do.
Unlike Mark, at least Lauren had had the decency to look guilty as they pulled her sofa throw over their bodies.
I’d run—grabbed Taylor’s PE kit that she’d forgotten that morning by the door—and cried the entire way to her school.
Their betrayal had shattered the sense of security I’d found in having a partner and completely knocked my self-esteem. I couldn’t stop wondering what I’d done to deserve a betrayal of this magnitude from either of them.
Lauren and I had had a huge argument about it afterward, but I knew I had to keep the peace.
Even though Lauren had broken the unspoken girl code, I couldn’t guarantee that my family would be on my side.
Besides, I wasn’t willing to risk my relationship with Taylor or miss being a part of her life because they thought I was holding a grudge or making too big a deal of it.
You two aren’t together anymore, Matilda. I’m allowed to date who I want.
Lauren had struggled to meet my eyes, but she’d said the words with certainty.
Since the divorce three years ago, she’d been unraveling, grabbing at any attention she could.
What she’d done was unforgivable, but it was hard not to feel a tiny flicker of pity, even if she’d never admit she was in the wrong.
After that, I’d found my own place to rent and moved out ASAP. I couldn’t find it in myself to live with my mother anymore—especially when it became apparent she wasn’t going to take my side.
Moving out meant that I had to keep my job. Stars on Ice paid enough for me to rent my own place, but not many jobs would. Hence why the winner’s bonus would be life-changing. It meant that I might be able to quit, find a job I loved, and use the money as a buffer.
Shaking myself, I tried to recall what Lily had just said.
Ah yes, I should be fuming at Mark.
“It was a year ago now, though. I felt shitty about it at the time,” I offered.
“Not shitty enough to quit the show.”
“You know I couldn’t.”
“I don’t get why you let your mum dictate your life.” Her voice was indignant on my behalf. “Who gives a fuck whether you win a show or not? You found that scumbag with his dick in your sister, and she demands you continue with the show?”
I winced, the mental image turning the coffee in my stomach sour. Lily’s lips softened into a sympathetic smile, conveying her apology without needing words.
“It’s fine, it’s fine,” I assured her. “It just seemed more hassle than it was worth.”
“I get that, I do. I just wish you would stand up for yourself. You’re amazing and should demand that others treat you as such.”
“Blech, stop with the flattery.” I sat up and shuffled to the edge of the bed, straightening out the white sheet.
“Do you think Mark wants to get back together with you?”
I couldn’t control the laugh that burst from me. “Absolutely not. I think he just likes knowing he can push people around. He’s always been the same and gets off on it.”
“I’m not sure. He’s, like, obsessed with you.”
“He’s not, otherwise he wouldn’t have slept with Lauren.”
“True, I guess…”
I placed the moisturizer back on the vanity and shut the wardrobe door.
Talking about Mark brought back the conversation with Luca about Mark’s behavior all those weeks ago.
But I didn’t want to brush it off anymore; I just didn’t know how to confront the issue when I needed my job on the show.
The whole thing made my temples throb, so I shoved the thought aside.
“Enough about that idiot, anyway. What time are you coming to the studio later? I’ve saved you a seat next to Luca’s agent and away from my mother and sister.
” Even if my father hadn’t been away on business, he wouldn’t have come.
“Ooooh, is the agent handsome?”
I grabbed some socks from the drawer, slipping them on my feet before turning with a knowing smirk.
She groaned and collapsed backward on to the bed. “On a scale of one to ten?”
“Oh, he’s a ten.”
“Holy Christ. Will I fall in love with him? Or is he as miserable as Luca?”
I flashed another grin. Lily squealed and kicked her legs on the bed, which made me laugh. “Don’t worry, though; he’s not your type. From what I’ve heard, he gets around. A lot.”
“Matilda, are you kidding? That’s exactly my type!”
She was still starfished across the middle of my bed, so I grabbed her hands and pulled her up to sitting. She begrudgingly let me.
“What’s wrong with us, Matilda?” She groaned self-deprecatingly, dangling her legs off the edge of my bed.
“Other than our choice in men?” I asked, slinging my bag over my shoulder and pulling her out of the apartment.