Chapter 37 Luca
“I’ll walk you up to the door,” I told Matilda. “No arguments.”
The demand might have seemed overprotective, like I wanted to make sure she got in OK, but in reality I just wanted to prolong our evening.
I hadn’t anticipated taking her to see my mother, but as I’d gone to drive her home earlier, I’d realized I didn’t want to end the night there.
I’d wanted her to meet my mom. I had hoped she might find comfort in standing up to her family by speaking to my mother.
I didn’t know what they’d spoken about when I left the room, but when I returned and met my mother’s eyes, an understanding passed between us, and I was glad that I’d given them time to talk.
“Thank you for taking me to see your mum, Luca.” Matilda rested her hand on my arm as we crossed the parking lot to the elevator. “I can see how much she means to you. I feel privileged to have met her.”
We had managed to keep my mother’s diagnosis out of the media. I didn’t have to ask Matilda not to mention the care home to anyone else; I knew she wouldn’t.
“She obviously loves you,” I told her, rolling my eyes as I pressed the elevator button. “Like everyone else.”
“I can definitely think of a few people who don’t. My mother, my sister, Mark.” She counted the people on her fingers as the elevator started its ascent.
“Mark doesn’t hate you.” I pushed aside the bitter feeling gnawing in my chest. “It’s the opposite.”
“Obviously not, given that he broke up with me then slept with my sister.” She raised a challenging eyebrow.
I shook my head in disbelief, still unable to believe Mark and Lauren’s betrayal.
The doors slid open with a soft ding, revealing Matilda’s hallway. We made our way to her door in comfortable silence.
Her jingling keys mocked me, reminding me I had to go soon.
I slowed my walk in a pathetic attempt to hold on to the moment a little longer.
But too soon, we reached her door, and she slid her key in.
The clicking lock was the only sound echoing around the hallway.
She turned in the entrance and hesitated for a moment, gaze assessing, before launching herself forward and throwing her arms around my neck.
I wrapped my arms around her without a second thought. Her heartbeat against my chest was a soft, steady rhythm, and my body instinctively relaxed.
It was over too soon as her arms loosened and she stepped back, but my palm found the side of her neck, halting her retreat. My thumb caressed the pulse just below her chin, the fast beat matching my own.
I knew we were treading the fine line that we’d drawn the other evening in the dressing room, but I just couldn’t find it in myself to give a fuck.
This was the problem with being with Matilda all day, every day—it was impossible to ignore my need for her.
I searched her face, looking for any trace of sadness, some indication that she needed comfort.
But there was none. Instead, her expression simmered with something else—heat.
“Are you going to kiss me?” she whispered.
I didn’t think twice. “Fuck, yes.”
I dipped my head, my spare hand lifting to grasp the other side of her face.
Our lips came together, and it felt so fucking good—like we were made for each other.
I pressed her back against the doorframe and deepened the kiss.
Our bodies aligned and Matilda gasped into my mouth, the little noise sending a flood of pleasure straight to my cock.
I pulled back, my conscience remembering she’d just had an emotional evening.
I definitely didn’t want to take advantage of her.
“Stevens.” I cleared the gravel from my throat. “You’ve had a rough day. Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes. I want you, Luca.”
Our lips met again, the kiss deep, passionate—as if we’d both been starving, and this was the feast neither of us had dared dream of.
Her fingers fisted my shirt, and I couldn’t get close enough.
I slid a hand into her hair, the silky strands tangling between my fingers as my other hand found her waist. I squeezed, my palms trying to memorize the feel of her.
We kissed for a few dizzying seconds before I found the self-control to pull back a few inches. There was a reason I’d drawn a line we weren’t supposed to cross.
She searched my face hesitantly, looking for answers to an unknown question. I waited, holding her gaze and letting her decide whether she wanted to voice her thoughts.
“Will you come inside?”
Jesus fucking Christ.
I loved it when Matilda asked for what she wanted.
And fuck, I wanted to. So badly. My jeans felt tight as my dick twitched eagerly at the thought of burying myself inside Matilda. I’d struggled to think of much else since the dressing room a few weeks ago.
And as much as it killed me, I hadn’t tried to repeat it. I wanted Matilda to assert her desires without my influence. But now that she had? I was worried about where it might lead, even though I knew I could trust Matilda.
If I got the part, I wouldn’t be around for at least a year for filming. That was no way to start a relationship. We’d be living completely different lives—and I didn’t want to be another person Matilda had to juggle in her life. She deserved so much more than that.
My hesitation must have spooked her. “That was silly. Sorry, I’ve already asked you to be my chauffeur tonight—”
“I want to—”
“You don’t need to protect my feelings. It’s fine, Luca.”
“I want to come in so fucking badly, Matilda. I do.”
“But?” she prompted, and despite myself, pride swelled in my chest at her assertiveness.
“Is it a good idea? We haven’t got long left on the show, and this will all come to an end…” I spoke the words despite how sour they tasted on my tongue.
“It can be just once—just to see.”
“It feels like we’re setting ourselves up for failure.” For heartbreak. I wanted to cave so badly, but would once ever be enough? We hadn’t even had sex and I was bordering on obsessed with her.
“But at least we would’ve tried,” she said, searching my face, and whatever she found made her shoulders sag.
The light in her eyes dimmed and a small, resigned smile rested on her lips.
“You’re right.” She nodded. In our shared gaze, there was mutual longing.
Bittersweet understanding settled between us, pulling me in two opposite directions.
“Good night, Stevens.” I spoke the words, but the voice didn’t sound like mine.
“Night, Luca,” she replied.
Forcing myself to stop acting like a malfunctioning robot, I turned on my heel. The sound of Matilda’s door clicking shut echoed down the hall, and I released a tight breath.
What am I doing?
I wanted to go back, knock on her door, and fuck her into next week.
But I also wanted to protect us from any potential heartbreak.
I’d built iron walls around my heart and tried so hard to ensure that no one penetrated them.
Matilda hadn’t even had to try; she had melted them down with her wide smiles, annoyingly infectious laughter, and relentless chitter-chatter over the past few months.
It can be just once—just to see…At least we would’ve tried.
I froze mid-step. Could I really spend the rest of my life not knowing? Not knowing how it felt to be with Matilda, even just once? I knew someone like Matilda wouldn’t come around twice in a lifetime. Was I really about to let that slip through my fingers?
If she was happy to deal with the consequences tomorrow, then I could, too.
My body moved of its own accord as I stormed back to her door and rapped my knuckles against it. Light footsteps sounded on the other side, each passing second feeling like time was moving in slow motion.
The door swung open.
“Luca, what’s wrong?”
“One night.” I swallowed. “One night wouldn’t hurt anyone, would it?”
There was no hesitation to her smile. “No, I don’t think it would hurt.”
I pounced forward, and Matilda mirrored my movements as she walked backward. Slamming the door behind me, I pulled her face to mine.