Chapter 39 Matilda
The blue skies of sunrise filtered through the curtains and coaxed me from my dreams. As I blinked away the last remnants of sleep and slipped out of bed, my muscles ached and protested at the movement. Despite the slight discomfort, my body was satisfied in ways it hadn’t been in years.
A quick glance at Luca, who had his arm thrown across his eyes and the duvet pooled around his waist, confirmed he was still fast asleep.
Deciding to return the favors he’d bestowed on me far too many times over the past few months, I hurriedly pulled on some shorts and a sweatshirt before heading out to grab us coffee.
On the way there, I realized I had to figure out what I wanted to come of all this. We couldn’t ignore it like we had after the dressing room, then keep walking the line of something more.
Luca liked and trusted me now, but I knew deep down that we wouldn’t work—we were too different.
While I had struggled to accept Luca’s reasoning last night, in the cold light of day, I knew he was right.
When he got the part in Dirty Dancing, he’d be halfway across the world, shooting for months, then attending premieres and after-parties, while I’d be attempting to build a new career here.
But just because I understood it didn’t mean I didn’t wish it were different.
And if Luca had taught me anything, it was that my opinion was important, even if I knew it wasn’t what the other person wanted to hear.
Friends with benefits was off the table.
It wouldn’t work; sleeping with Luca last night was already at the edge of no return.
I could admit that I had feelings for Luca, and having more mind-blowing sex wasn’t going to help them go away.
As I arrived at Vinnie’s, thoughts still swirling in my mind, I decided that talking things through with Luca was the only way to figure out where we went from here.
Ten minutes later, I was removing the coffees from their holder as a very shirtless and very sleepy-looking Luca emerged from the bedroom, running a hand through his hair.
My eyes were immediately drawn to his sculpted stomach, each muscle defined and tanned to a golden hue.
I resisted the urge to release an appreciative sigh.
“Mornin’,” he said, his voice gravelly. “Did I oversleep?” He rested his arms on the other side of the counter.
“No, not at all.” I slid his black Americano across to him. “I’m just an early riser.” I took a sip of my coffee, hoping the warmth would distract me from my racing heart.
“Thank you.” He held his cup up in silent cheers before taking a sip. He nodded his head toward the sofa, gesturing for me to follow. We sank into the cushions, and I tucked my legs underneath me, our knees brushing.
We stared at each other for a moment.
“Hey,” I breathed.
“Hey.” His gaze softened and roamed my face. We were caught in each other’s gaze. “I can’t stop thinking about last night.”
“Me neither.”
We watched each other for a few long moments. I had no doubt the look on Luca’s face mirrored mine—an unspoken understanding of where this conversation was going.
“I know.” I steadied my voice but couldn’t hide the watery smile playing on my lips.
“This isn’t even about not wanting a relationship anymore, Matilda.
I might have promised myself I wouldn’t do it again after Nancy, but that’s not the case.
I want you. But we can’t—it won’t work.” He ran a hand across his jaw before continuing, “I don’t regret a single thing about last night, but…
it was reckless. I’m not prepared to put you in a position where you have to sacrifice more of your life than you already have.
Hell, we’re not even together and that paparazzo almost—” His jaw clenched, and he turned his head toward the window.
“You’ve already been hurt, and we weren’t even together at that point.
I can’t risk your safety, especially when I’m not going to be here with you. ”
“I know.” I could probably handle the media frenzy, but there was no point getting into semantics.
Even so, I owed him my truth too, even though telling him how I really felt meant I was knowingly pushing him out of my life. An ache spread across my chest as if invisible hands were pulling my heart in two.
“I get it, Luca.” He opened his mouth as if to say something, but I continued, needing to say it before I chickened out.
“I know we can’t do this”—I gestured between us—“again.” I swallowed the emotion, ignoring my racing heart.
“I like you, Luca. I like you too much to be anything less than together. We can’t just keep things casual between us until the end of the show.
We’re either together, or just friends.”
He nodded, his shoulders curved with silent acceptance, but his eyes continued to search my face. His lips parted for a moment before closing again. He tried once more, but his brow furrowed, conflict written across his face as if he were in a silent tug-of-war with himself.
“You need to know it’s not that I don’t want you. I do. I want you so fucking much that I—” He stopped himself, dragging a palm across his face. He looked to the ceiling as if searching for something. “It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
We held each other’s gaze. There was no awkwardness, just a shared contemplative reflection.
“You are important to me, Stevens. I never thought I’d be saying this three months ago, but you are. And your friendship is important to me.”
“And yours is to me.” Luca challenged me to be myself, to do the things I wanted to do and live the life I wanted.
Luca brought out the best in me, and I’d always be grateful for that.
He placed his cup on the table and clasped his hands in front of him. “Can we be friends?” And then he clarified, “Without benefits.”
“Friends.” We leaned in for a hug at the same time, as if we were in sync.
And although my heart felt tender and bruised, a swell of pride washed over me. It might not have been the outcome I’d longed for, but it was the one that was true to myself.