Chapter 41 Luca
Matilda: Knock it out of the park tonight, Luca. You’re going to smash it!
Luca: Thanks, Stevens. Hold the fort for us.
Matilda: You know it! See you tomorrow. X
Luca: Xx
I decided to visit my mom before the audition.
Other than talking to Matilda, my mother was the only other person that could soothe the unsettled feeling in my stomach.
It was weird—I was never nervous about auditioning. Even as a child, I’d been unusually confident. So why the fuck did I feel so jittery?
I scribbled my name on the sign-in form and flashed my ID at the receptionist. It was five o’clock, so I had about an hour before I had to leave for the audition.
I found my mom in her usual evening position: sitting in bed, reading on her Kindle. Her gaze flicked up when I walked in, and she beamed.
“Luca, what are you doing here?” She placed her Kindle on the bed and opened her arms in greeting. I kissed her cheek before giving her a hug, taking a moment longer than usual to bask in her embrace.
“I wanted to see you.” I sank into the armchair across from her bed but studied the painting on the wall instead of meeting her gaze.
“You saw me this morning.”
I ignored her knowing smirk. “I have an audition in a few hours.”
Her eyes widened in disbelief. “Oh, that’s exciting, sweetie! What for?”
“I might have told a white lie about the real reason I decided to go on Stars on Ice.” I cringed at her narrowed eyes. Go on, they said.
So I told her everything.
I searched her face, a crease forming between my brows when instead of the pride I’d been hoping for, pity and sadness flickered across her features.
“So the whole reason you’re doing the show is for me? So you can audition for the part in Dirty Dancing before I die.” Her words were like a whip, and I flinched.
“Don’t say it like that.” A wave of sorrow washed over me at the thought of her not being there. I swallowed, willing the rushing in my ears to settle, as it made it difficult to think straight.
She smiled but didn’t correct herself. “Do you want the part in the film?”
My answer was immediate. “Yes.”
“Take me out of the equation, Luca.” She put her hand on mine. “Do you want the part in the film?”
My response lingered in the silence that followed, hesitation burying itself deep in my bones. “I want it for you.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s your film, Mom.” I held her hand in mine, her skin soft and warm. “I did nothing but disappoint you when we were in America. You’d given up so much of your life to give me mine, and I wasted it. I want to give back to you.” Before you die, I left out.
She released a long breath, eyes softening with some kind of realization.
“You won’t understand this yet because you don’t have children.
” She stroked my hand, the gentle caress transporting me straight back to childhood.
“All a parent ever wants for their child is for them to be happy. I have always been proud of you. I was never disappointed in your actions, Luca. You were thrown into that world at such a young age, and there were bound to be tests along the way. I was sad because you became this person who was so bitter and angry at the world.”
She held my gaze for a moment, letting the words sink in.
A lump formed in my throat, and my sight blurred until I had to look away.
When I’d been wrapped up in Nancy, I hadn’t cared about how my reckless behavior affected my mother, hadn’t stopped to think about how it must have felt to see my face splashed across the tabloids every week.
She waited until our eyes met again before she continued, “I wouldn’t care if you never acted again, if that’s what you wanted.”
“But you seemed so excited when I told you I was going back to it.”
“Because I hated seeing you so guarded and shut off from the world. The last few months in L.A., you were completely miserable. Then, when we moved here, you put all your time into looking after me. I wasn’t excited because you were going to be acting again; I was excited that you were going to start living again. ”
“I want to make you happy, though.”
She wiped the stray tear from my cheek with a shaky hand.
“My lovely boy, your happiness makes me happy. I don’t want you to chase a part in a film where you have to prove your worth to the producers, especially if you don’t even want the part.
And deep down, you know that. Otherwise, you would have told me all those months ago the real reason you were going on Stars on Ice. ”
She was right.
“And what about Matilda?” she asked, the warmth of her smile wrapping around me.
The thumping in my chest was now for a completely different reason. Just at the mention of my skating partner’s name, I was like a lovesick puppy.
“What about her?” I coughed away the emotion clogging my throat, attempting to find my voice again.
A flicker of amusement danced in her eyes, but I feigned ignorance. “What about Matilda, Mom?”
“Does she make you happy?”
“Of course she does,” I answered truthfully, before adding, “she’s my friend.”
“That kiss didn’t look like friends. Actually, none of your season has looked like just ‘friends.’ ”
“We agreed to it for the show. More publicity increased our chances of winning.”
She raised a skeptical brow. “Everyone else might believe that, but I don’t. You can’t be coerced into doing anything you don’t want to do. You’ve been headstrong since the day you were born.”
“I didn’t need coercing. I did it because I wanted the part in Dirty Dancing.”
“So why did you bring her here, then?” I sifted through my thoughts, searching for a logical reason. It certainly hadn’t been for the show. “Do you like her?”
I can’t believe this woman used to be a pushover.
“I’ve spent almost every day with her for the past four months. It would be hard not to.”
“You’ve had co-stars you never got along with after spending almost double the time with them. You might be able to fool yourself by saying it’s all for the camera, but I saw the way you looked at her.”
I dragged my hands through my hair. “It doesn’t matter whether I like her or not, Mom.”
“Does Matilda have feelings for you?”
I could still hear the wobble in Matilda’s voice as she told me she liked me too much to be casual. The way her eyes betrayed her sadness, but she held her head high and told me how she was feeling.
Matilda was right. We had to be all or nothing.
My unspoken answer hung in the air.
My mother readjusted her blankets. “Have you told her about Nancy?”
“Yes.”
“Have you ever told anyone besides Jack and me? Does Matilda seem like someone you can’t trust?” she asked, not letting up on the inquisition.
Four months ago, I would have said there was no way in hell I could trust Matilda.
But I had told her everything—things about my career, my mother, and my life, some things I’d never told anyone else. And not once had I considered whether she’d betray my trust—because I knew she wouldn’t.
She was one of my favorite people.
“Of course I trust her.”
“So what’s the problem, then? What’s stopping you from being with her?”
“It’s not about the trust anymore. With Dirty Dancing, I’m going to be in and out for years, and the press are already going crazy with her—I don’t want to start something and then leave her to fend for herself.
And I definitely don’t want to put Matilda in the position you were in with Dad, where she’s always second-guessing her worth. ”
“Luca.” My mother held my gaze, unwavering. “You’re only going to be traveling the world if you want the part in Dirty Dancing, not me. Do not let what you think I want stop you from starting a relationship with the woman you love.”
The woman you love.
Her words lingered in the air, and the realization clicked inside me, a warmth spreading through my chest.
I love Matilda.
“And the media? What if everything goes wrong again?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
“Look at me.” She grabbed both hands and squeezed. “I mean, really look at me.” I didn’t like her resigned tone one bit. My eyes started burning again for the second time in twenty minutes.
“I am going to die, and you should always take advice from a dying person.” She smiled, not a crease of worry or sadness on her face.
“You get one life and one life only, Luca. We aren’t coming back to live it again, so live it while you’re here.
Live your life like you’re dying. Do the things that make you scared, because they’re the ones that matter. ”