9. Levi #2
He releases me, and I walk shakily to the island. The paper bag is from a Thai restaurant. I think back. Ethan was on his phone while I was gathering my things. He must have been ordering food. It’s so strange to have someone think about whether or not I’ve eaten.
I start pulling out the containers, shocked at the number. I can’t imagine how much this cost.
Ethan gets out silverware and comes to check on the food.
“This is a lot,” I say.
“I wasn’t sure what you’d like.” He points at one of the boxes. “That one’s pretty plain if you don’t like strong flavor.”
“I do.”
“Oh good,” he says, and he pets my hair. I absolutely melt inside. “Have you had Thai before?”
“Yeah. I love it.”
“So it’s nothing new then.” He sounds disappointed, which kind of amuses me, but I don’t want him to be disappointed.
“I’ve never had spring rolls,” I admit.
“You love Thai and you’ve never had spring rolls?”
I shrug. “They’re an appetizer. You can get two meals out of a bowl of curry, but an appetizer is gone too fast.”
Ethan’s eyes narrow. “Did you save that food from last night?”
Ice water pours through me. “Oh my God, I forgot to thank you for that. I meant to—”
“Answer my question.”
“I… well, just some for today.”
“So yes.” His voice is sharp. He’s pissed, but I don’t understand why.
I look away because I don’t know what to say. A firm grip on my jaw has my face turning toward him. His dark eyes practically bore into me.
“You do not save food.” He pauses as though to make sure I’ve heard him. “I will get you food. You do not save it.”
I don’t know why I start shaking. I don’t know why that hurts so much that I feel like I’m going to cry. I really, really don’t want to cry right now.
Maybe Ethan can see that. Maybe that’s why he relents. He releases me and orders, “Go sit. You want something to drink?”
“Um. Water. Please.”
“Okay. Go on. Sit. Eat.”
I go to sit on the other side of the island while Ethan fills two glasses at the sink, but I don’t start eating.
I stall by pretending to consider the options.
Ethan seems to recognize my tactic because he looks annoyed as he joins me, putting a glass of water in front of me. He pushes the spring rolls my way.
I pluck one from the box and dip it into the peanut sauce.
“Oh God,” I mutter around a mouthful.
Ethan smiles slightly as he watches me. I push the container his way so he can have some, but he pushes it back at me and starts eating one of the curries.
I plow through the spring rolls, which are everything I’ve always imagined they would be.
The wrapping is weird and cool, the filling is bright and crunchy, and I love the sauce.
I try to offer the last roll to Ethan, but he still refuses, and I know it’s because he wants me to have it.
It’s so fucking nice that it makes my throat tighten, and it takes me a minute to finish the last one.
After, I glance at Ethan to see if there’s something he has his eyes on, but his eyes are only on me. I flush at his attention. I don’t understand it. And yet… I do like it.
He’s still eating the curry, so everything seems to be available. I pick the spicy beef salad because I’ve always wanted to try it. I love Thai, but I’ve only ever had curry because this other stuff is too expensive.
At the first bite, I close my eyes, savoring the flavor and heat. It’s heaven.
Ethan lets me eat for a minute then asks, “What was your credit card debt from? Obviously not extravagant takeout.”
My heart skip then sinks. “Just regular life stuff. Groceries and stuff like that.”
“New York is expensive.”
“Yeah,” I agree.
“And you don’t have a job.”
I stop eating. I go still.
Ethan has also stopped eating. “Levi, why don’t you have a job?”
I swallow hard. “I did. I worked at a café.”
There’s a long silence before Ethan surmises, “Something happened.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, blocking out the memory of broken dishes, splattered food, and shocked faces. I block out the knowledge that it wasn’t the first time or the first lost job.
“Yeah,” I admit quietly.
Ethan’s large, warm hand strokes the back of my head. “It’s okay. Eat.”
But it’s not okay, and I have to tell him the truth. “You shouldn’t want me here. There’s… something wrong with me.”
Ethan’s hand remains on the back of my head. He doesn’t argue with me, but I know he doesn’t understand. He couldn’t possibly, and I need to tell him. I need to prepare him.
“I have… episodes. Not often, but… they happen.”
His fingers thread through my hair. “Is that why you lost your job?”
I swallow around a lump in my throat. “Yeah.”
Ethan plays with my hair. He seems to think for a moment, then his voice is low and rough when he says, “I can handle you.”
“You don’t understand. I… fuck.” I squeeze my eyes shut. My stomach is twisting up.
“You can tell me if you want to, but you don’t have to. Trust me, Levi, I can handle you. What I’m less sure of is whether you can handle me. But… I think you can.”
His words bring my eyes to him. He’s so beautiful with his handsome face and perfect body. But what I really see is the dark, dangerous look in his eyes.
He told me that I’m not safe with him. Actually, he said that the dark part of me was safe with him but that the rest of me was not.
His fingers drag free of my hair, tugging as they go and he says, “Now eat your dinner or I’ll spank the shit out of you.”
I stare at him, startled and disbelieving. He can’t be serious.
He raises an eyebrow as though asking whether I want to test him. I feel a huge smile break out on my face. I don’t really know what it means, but I know that something just lit up inside me.
Ethan’s lips tug to one side then he points emphatically at the food. He says wryly, “Let’s save that for another day.”
Another day.
There will be more.
I’m staying here.
Part of my brain wants to ask, For how long? because I know that things never last. I know that home is an idea for other people. But it’s too scary a question, so I silence it. I’m not going to think about that right now.
I pick up my fork and obey. Ethan makes a sound of satisfaction and goes back to eating his own food, and it’s, God, nice. It’s really, really nice. But I can’t help wondering… what would it be like to disobey and let him punish me?