27. Ethan #3
When I start shivering, Levi mutters, “Jesus Christ. He did, didn’t he?”
My vision goes in and out for a second before I can focus, before I can confess, “Only a couple of times.”
Levi’s whole body strings tight, and his fingers, lightly resting at my nape, tighten in my hair. He’s angry. He’s very, very angry. But he catches himself. He opens his hand. He smooths my hair and forces himself to be gentle.
Levi says carefully, “I see.”
“Can you hand me my phone?”
“Do you think they’ll kill Jensen? John and Ruby, I mean.”
“Maybe,” I reply. “John anyway. He has a lot to lose.”
“You’ve talked to Jensen, haven’t you? That’s where you went that one morning. The morning you were gone when I woke up.”
“He had the crime scene photos. He wanted to know why the murder was covered up.”
Levi frowns. “You saw pictures of… him? Dead?”
“You can say his name. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. And you definitely weren’t fine that morning.”
Fuck, that’s hard to hear. It makes my throat tighten. It makes me feel like he’s right, even if I don’t want him to be.
“Just hand me my phone. Please, Levi. I have to deal with it. It’s not going to go away.”
Levi sighs and twists around, reaching across the table to grab my phone. As he hands it to me, my eyes snag on his cut-up forearm. He’s only got one small bandage now. The cuts were exploratory, self-punishing.
But then, he didn’t have a knife.
And these things can progress.
I’ve been trying to ignore the marks because I know that my attention on them makes him feel shitty, but when he hands me the phone, I pull his arms to my face and press my lips to the marks.
He whispers, “I’m really sorry. For doing it.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I just…” I trail off, unsure how to express feelings that I haven’t sorted through. “I’m sorry too.”
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for either. I’m just glad that we’re together.”
“I really love you, Levi.”
He smiles a little. There’s too much weight on us for the smile to be full and bright and happy, but at least it’s there. “I really love you too.”
I don’t get time to absorb that before my phone buzzes again. I sigh and unlock it. I once again ignore Ruby’s messages and open the thread with Jensen.
My blood runs cold as I stare at the image he’s sent me. The message says, There’s video too. Want to know where I got it?
I set the phone facedown on the table. I close my eyes. I try to breathe. It’s not that bad. It’s not what I expected. I just wasn’t fucking ready for it.
“What is it?” Levi asks.
I shake my head. “Just blackmail.”
“Can I see?”
I don’t want him to see, but I also don’t want to hurt him with my refusal. And he’s already seen so much. He already knows the worst. And, God, I’m exhausted with hiding shit.
“Yeah,” I say.
Levi picks up the phone and stares at the image on the screen. He stares for a long, long time.
Then he asks, “How old are you here?”
“Twenty-one. That’s the night I met Patrick. Ten years ago.”
Levi’s hand is in my hair again, stroking, combing, petting. But he’s still looking at the picture of me. “What happened? Why are you screaming?”
I huff, frustrated. “That’s what you want to know? Not why I’m choking that guy?”
“Yes, that’s what I want to know, Ethan. What happened?”
“I don’t remember that night very well. I know I lost it. I know Patrick pulled me off that guy a few seconds later. Patrick got me out of there.”
“Did that guy attack you?”
I shake my head. “I agreed to do a scene with him. But then he touched me in a way that…” I close my eyes as my stomach knots. “I don’t remember.”
“Okay,” Levi says soothingly, petting my hair. “I’m sorry for pushing.” He sets the phone down. “Is there anything he can do with this though? I mean, I understand you not wanting it on the internet, of course, but it’s not… criminal.”
“It’s assault,” I reply.
“But the guy must not have pressed charges.”
“I think Patrick convinced him not to. But the real question is where it came from. And what else Jensen might have.”
“So where do you think it came from?”
I huff. “John Clifford. I would bet anything.”
Levi scowls. “But why would he have this? Was he there?”
“I doubt he was there himself. But he was having me watched I’d guess. Collecting shit. For leverage, in case he ever needed it. Like now.”
Levi presses his fingertips to his eyes. “So what do we do?”
“I have to meet with Jensen. I have to know what else he has. I have to find out what he really wants so that I can figure out why Clifford is helping him.”
“Clifford, then. He’s the real danger.”
“You don’t need to worry about him,” I reassure Levi.
“I’m worried about you.”
“I’ll be fine. I just need to focus and figure out what’s going on. I have to stop reacting to everything and just deal with shit. I need to get up.”
“Ethan…”
“Please Levi. I want it over with.”
Reluctantly, Levi draws away from me. Then he squeezes my hand. He leaves the room, walking off down the hallway as though to give me privacy.
I’m glad because it gives me the space to switch gears. I pick up my phone and reply to Jensen, Where do you want to meet?