25. Jessica
JESSICA
I’m not sure why I thought of coming back here after making my escape, but that’s where my feet led me.
The panic I felt was nothing short of astronomical.
How did they know? When did they know? My sister, I could understand, but Mom?
And everyone else? I thought I’d done such a good job hiding it all these years; now I feel like a fool.
No wonder Dad didn’t make a fuss about me being here, and my brother was more than willing to give me away; they’ve always seen right through my pretended dislike of him.
My heart was still thumping away in my chest, and I felt even worse because I’d just run past his Mom with a hurried hello before hiding in here.
She probably thinks I’m an ill-mannered pig and will complain to her son as soon as he walks through the door. I looked around the room for some place to hide since there was no way I was heading back downstairs now.
Why am I so flustered? Nothing else has ever made me react this way.
Why do I still have so much fear and unease where the two of us are concerned?
I’d long come to terms with the facts. He’d made his stance pretty clear that night back then, and no matter what was said now, that was the only truth I’d ever believe.
He saw me as nothing more than a spoilt little kid who was always underfoot.
He’d only slept with me because he was drunk and I threw myself at him; that was the truth.
Only he knows why he’d given in this time and brought me here.
The question of why I’d stayed is something I don’t want to look too closely at just yet, but I haven’t lost my mind enough to trust that this was some sort of happily ever after and forever situation.
I admit that it’s still hard for me after all these years and the distance I’d forcefully put between us for me to resist him.
It had been the same that long ago night too.
Even though I knew he hated me and had seen the look of disdain on his face when he took me to bed, something inside of me couldn’t help but go along with it.
I’d convinced myself that it was nothing more than the fulfillment of a silly girlish dream; that was all. I had to do that to stop the bleeding of my broken heart back then, or I might not have survived. The pain of that heartache is something I never want to endure again as long as I live.
So, I’d swallowed everything, put that night behind me, although it almost killed me to reach that point, and moved on with my life. Mom’s words had ripped the proverbial Band-Aid off that wound, had exposed it to the light once more, and all my hard work was in vain.
I never wanted them to know, never wanted them to see that side of me, that weak, lovesick fool who had gambled and lost. But there was also something else behind that, I never wanted them or anyone else to see him in a bad light. Isn’t that just silly?
After the way he’d ripped out my heart and stomped it under his feet, I still couldn’t bear the thought of anyone looking down on him.
After all, it wasn’t his doing. The fact that he didn’t love me was my own cross to bear, and he shouldn’t be ostracized or penalized because he didn’t return my feelings.
I heard heavy footsteps rushing towards the door and held my breath as I pulled the covers more firmly over my head.
It will take a truckload of C4 to get me out of here now.
When the door opened, and I felt him stop at the foot of the bed, I pulled it back long enough to question him about who else knew about my long-wasted feelings.
His answer almost made me catatonic. His family knew, too?
How the hell could everyone know? So, all those times I interacted with his family, they knew.
My face burned fiery hot, and I wanted to bolt again, but where should I run to?
I’d been so happy with the day’s work and now this.
I couldn’t even enjoy Dale and Charlotte’s misfortune like I’d planned to. Damn!
JULIUS
She’s such a cute mess. One minute she was spitting fire at me with her eyes, and the next she was pouting like a recalcitrant toddler who didn’t get her way.
That phone call from her sister had scared me so much I’d forgotten for a minute that I already had a tracker on her, and by the time I remembered, my heart was already in my lungs.
I only breathed easy when I realized that she was headed for my home, and that realization gave me a weird sense of peace that she’d come to me in her time of trouble.
Knowing her as I do, I can understand why she’d run.
Someone as proud as she is would find it hard to understand and accept that the people around her, the people she loved, had always been aware of her one weakness, the thing she’d tried so hard to hide.
I kicked off my shoes and went to join her on the bed, knowing that it was time to remove that boulder from between us. It was a testament to how much she loved me that she’d even let me get close to her again without hashing everything out first.
She might not know it, but she trusted me more than she thought, and that love that we’d both tried to bury had only been waiting for the tiniest spark to ignite it again. Now there was no turning back, and no reason for me not to tell her the truth.
She tensed up when I pulled her into my arms, her back turned to me, her little body strung tight as a bow. “You didn’t do anything wrong back then. It was all me.” She got even tenser until I kissed her ear and tightened my arms around her. “You scared the hell outta me and still do.”
She lifted her head the slightest bit but didn’t turn around. I felt the tension leave her, though, as she relaxed back against me. “How so?” That voice didn’t even sound like her, so soft and timid as it was.
“To understand, first I have to tell you something,” I told her about the family deal, no longer willing to call it a curse. How could it be something so dark if it had brought her to me? She listened attentively and didn’t interrupt, not even to call bullshit, which I half expected her to.
“The first time you approached me, you were too young, and that saved me. Since I’m not into perversions, it was easy to brush off those uncomfortable feelings back then. But that night, that night, I couldn’t fight it any longer. It was like something else was in control.”
“I didn’t have the excuse of your age to put distance between us and I just…I just fell under your spell.”
“So you’re blaming me.” There was no anger in her voice.
“No, that’s just part of whatever this is. I don’t think it’s pheromones; I think it’s way deeper than that, but as I said, my heart is drawn to you, not just that, my very being is drawn to you, and there’s nothing you or I can do about it.”
“I’ve always known that story, always heard my father and brother talk about what it felt like for them, and I guess I always saw it as exaggerations, but that night, what I felt went way beyond my own imagination.
” It felt like she had sucked the soul out of me.
Even now, I can still remember the panic I felt.
“Being with you that night went beyond sex or lovemaking, whatever you want to call it. I felt like I was no longer in control of myself, like I had given something more than my essence, something I could never get back.” No, that’s not the right way to explain either.
“I mean, it felt as though if I’d stayed with you any longer, I would no longer be me, just your puppet. Am I explaining this right? Do you even understand what I’m trying to say?” How could she when I myself didn’t? All these years and I still can’t put it into words.
“I think so. Your family legacy is about soul mates, right? The men always know when they’ve found the woman for them.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“Because it is, jackass.” She sat up in bed with a huff and folded her arms across her chest. If she were standing, she’d have stomped her foot on the ground.
“Go on, tell me how little old me scared you so bad that you tore a strip off my hide and embarrassed me that night.” I opened and closed my mouth twice but could not utter a sound.
She was right after all, my own fear had led me to cast her out of my bed with harsh, unforgivable words, because I was scared shitless.
For someone like me, someone who prides himself on being in control and always in top form, that night had scared me, she had scared me like nothing else ever had before. But how could I get her to understand when I can’t find the words myself?
“You don’t understand; it was more than that.
What you’re describing is physical, logical; this is more visceral, this is something intangible that no amount of science can explain.
I deal in numbers and logic. If you tell me about split atoms, I can get it with my eyes closed in a deep sleep, but this is something I can’t see and can never get my head around. ”
“Listening to my brother and father’s accounts of their own handling of it was one thing; even seeing my brother in the throes of this madness didn’t prepare me for what it would do to me when the time came.
I’ve dated other people; I’m sure you know.
But none of them made me feel even a fraction of what I felt with you that night. ”
“I knew what was happening, of course. I knew it the first time I ran from you; I just didn’t know how potent it was.
” And how utterly terrifying I kept that part to myself lest I set her off again.
She seemed to think it was all easily explained, but that’s just because she wasn’t the one going through it.
“Putting all of that aside, I guess the thing that’s standing in our way is the things I said to you that night.
I have no excuse and won’t insult you with paltry excuses.
The truth is, I behaved badly out of fear.
It hadn’t been long since my last relationship ended the way they all do, because I don’t trust and barely like any of them since I was betrayed and almost cost my sister-in-law her life. ”
My gut still tightened in dread at the memory of all that had happened back then. I’d thought that the legacy had bypassed me since I’d had relationships that didn’t suck my life’s blood, but instead I’d fallen into a viper’s trap. That had made me adamant about giving up on the opposite sex.
“That night, I wasn’t thinking about anything really. I’d put whatever I felt for you aside, seeing it as a fluke since I’d had other relationships by then. I didn’t know that it would only take one look in your eyes for that damn feeling to slam into me like a freight train and not let go.”
“I thought taking you to bed would get it out of my blood once and for all, and I could go on with my life, but afterward I realized I’d only made things worse. I felt closer to you than I’ve ever felt with anyone. I wanted to fucking inhale you that night, and it scared the shit outta me.”
“My mind was filled with ways to keep you by my side; I was ready to hold you hostage if it came to that. I couldn’t understand those feelings, couldn’t understand that bone-deep need to keep you by my side, so I lashed out and accused you of stalking me and making your way into my bed.”
Even now, the words tasted bitter on my tongue.
I regretted them immediately back then, but what did that matter?
The damage had already been done. I’ll never forget, for as long as I live, the look of deep hurt and despair I saw in those eyes that night after I tore into her.
I’ve lived with that for the past few years.
I wrapped my arms even tighter around her and buried my face in her neck. “So, basically, you’re a demented asshole.”