Chapter 7
“ A re you sure you won’t need me in Belgium?” Nicki suddenly swerved to avoid a cyclist and swore. “Sorry, I didn’t see this guy at all. Why are all London cyclists suicidal?”
Zoe was slouched in the passenger seat. It was the last filming day of the new season of “Cooking from A to Zoe,” followed by the wrap party.
“I think they’re drunk. It’s one in the morning.” Zoe shifted in her seat. The studio had sent over several boxes of champagne and she might have enjoyed it a bit too much. Every time Nicki took a turn, Zoe felt like the entire car was spinning out of control.
“You’re one to talk,” Nicki chuckled. “You still haven’t answered me for Belgium.”
Zoe closed her eyes. “No, it’s going to be fine. Yasmine’s a long-time friend. I’ve talked to her on the phone and she wants me there as much as her guest than her caterer.”
“You have the event at the race track a few days before, though.”
“That’s only one day. I should be able to survive without you.” The car came to a halt at a red light and Zoe was thankful. “Besides, I think you deserve a long vacation and you’re already going to Italy with me next week.”
Nicki smiled at Zoe. “Thanks boss! I hope you’re not just saying that because you’re a bit tipsy.”
“I’m fine.” Zoe was not fine. The car wouldn’t stop spinning. “Actually, no. Can we pull over there and have the windows down?”
Nicki turned into a parking spot on the side of the curb and obliged.
“Are you sure you’re doing okay?”
“I’m alright. My head hurts, I just need some air.” Zoe’s heart was pounding hard in her chest. She tried to catch her breath.
“It’s hard to have too much fun.” Nicki smiled pitifully.
Zoe rarely got this drunk. She was used to drinking in professional settings and always paced herself very well.
But tonight, she almost drank an entire bottle of champagne.
It didn’t help that Tom was once again gone for an entire week, trying to write his own screenplay with one of his friends in France.
It didn’t help either that Zoe couldn’t stop thinking about what she would say to Julie when she’d meet her.
Ever since she said yes to Yasmine’s job offer, Julie was all she had on her mind.
It felt so exciting to finally get closure, and at the same time, it was terrifying to think about how Julie would react.
Zoe ran through all the possible scenarios in her head, and even in the worst of them, she was happy that she’d get to see Julie’s face again.
Would she have changed a lot since college?
Zoe tried to look her up on social media, but Julie hadn’t updated her profile with a picture of her in years.
She liked to think that Julie would still look pretty much the same - short curly hair, blue eyes and a kind smile - but with a little wrinkle here and there.
Mostly around her eyes. Julie always smiled with her eyes, it would make sense that she would have some there.
“Are you feeling better?”
Zoe snapped out of it. How long had she been silent? She couldn’t tell the passage of time any more. “Yes, I think the fresh air is really helping.”
“Will you be alright on your own tonight?”
The question reminded Zoe that she would go to bed and wake up alone. She usually didn’t mind, but in her state it felt miserable. “I think I’ll be alright. You can start the car again.”
Nicki put the contact on and slowly pulled out of the parking spot.
Zoe had completely lost track of where they were.
It took only two more lurching turns for Nicki to pull the car over again, this time in front of Zoe’s house.
Zoe struggled to take her seat belt off and opened the car door more abruptly than she intended.
“Let me help you.” Nicki got out of the driver’s seat and ran to the other side of the car. She quickly grabbed Zoe’s arm and helped her out of the car.
“Ouch, my head. Why is everything spinning so much?” Zoe didn’t even feel that drunk any more, she just felt bad. Physically bad.
Nicki held her up to the front door, then fished in Zoe’s purse for her keys.
They stumbled into the main hall and directly headed upstairs, slowly but surely.
Zoe’s bedroom was chilly. A window had been left ajar and the cold evening air seeped into it.
Nicki led Zoe to sit on her bed, then rushed to close it.
Zoe had her head in her hands. She felt so stupid for drinking that much.
Most of all, she wasn’t sure if she would be okay alone. She was starting to feel sick.
“Do you need a glass of water or anything?” Nicki sounded far away, but Zoe heard the concern in her voice.
“Yes.” Zoe could feel the paleness of her own skin. She kicked her shoes off and lay down in her bed.
She closed her eyes for what felt like one second, before Nicki patted her on the shoulder, a glass of water in her hand.
“Can you prop yourself up?”
Zoe obliged. Her head was killing her. She took the glass from Nicki’s hand as carefully as possible and downed it. Nicki was sitting on the edge of her bed, still looking concerned. Neither of them had realised how drunk Zoe was.
“If you need me to stay over, I can do it. You don’t have to feel bad about it, I’ll invoice you for my extra hours.”
Zoe’s lips trembled and she softly nodded. “I’m so sorry, Nicki.”
“Don’t worry Zoe, you’re allowed to get drunk sometimes. Especially when you’ve just finished shooting a TV show.” Zoe saw Nicki’s eyes flick to the other side of the bed, which was perfectly smooth and untouched. “Especially when your fiance is away, too. I’m sure it’s hard when you miss him.”
The truth is that Zoe wished she had been drinking for that reason: because she was missing her fiancé, because she was sad that her wedding still didn’t have a date.
She knew it wasn’t. She knew she’d been stupid tonight because she couldn’t get a girl - a girl she’d last seen over ten years ago - out of her head.
Zoe suddenly couldn’t shake the feeling that if Tom had been here tonight, somehow the house would have felt just as empty as it did now.
She didn’t know how to explain it to herself.
When Julie had disappeared from her life, it was a part of Zoe that had disappeared as well.
Tears pricked at her eyes, which brought her back to how silly and drunk she was.
With an effort, she turned towards Nicki, and felt her headache start to clear.
The room was still spinning but not as painfully; not being in a moving car any more was doing wonders.
Nicki smiled encouragingly, then grabbed the empty glass of water and ran downstairs to refill it.
Suddenly, Zoe had a burning question she wanted to ask Nicki.
She knew she shouldn’t. She was her boss, for god’s sake.
But who else was she going to ask it to?
Nicki reappeared into the bedroom almost immediately, handing Zoe the glass again.
“I put some lemon juice in your water.” She paused. “I have no idea if that will help, but it seems like it could, somehow.”
“When did you know you were into women?” Zoe blurted it out before she could stop herself.
Nicki blinked. She was clearly not expecting this. “I guess when I started thinking they were cute?”
“Did you ever have really strong feelings for a friend? Like maybe not quite love, but just strong feelings?” Zoe was slurring her words a little.
“I think that’s called friendship. But it’s also possible you might have romantic feelings for a friend? I don’t really know how to answer that question,” her assistant answered cautiously.
An awkward silence filled the room. Zoe was fidgeting with her glass of water. Nicki scratched her head, then finally broke the silence.
“Are you trying to tell me that you have feelings for me, Zoe?”
“What? No!”
“Oh thank god.” Nicki sat down on the bed. “You really had me for a moment there.” She turned towards Zoe. “But what’s this all about?”
Zoe rubbed her forehead with her hand. She had no idea if what she was about to say was a good idea, but in her state, she decided to take the chance otherwise she’d never have the courage to talk about it again.
“It’s Julie. My ex-best friend. I haven’t seen her in so long, but we had such a strong bond. After we kissed that night, I had considered, you know, dating women. And then… I never got around to it.”
“Ah yes. The same thing happened to me, but with men. I’ve never gotten around to dating them.” Nicki chuckled.
“I’m serious, Nicki,” Zoe pouted. “I’ve never told anyone about this.”
“Do you think you were in love with her?”
“I don’t know.” Zoe drank her glass of water.
How could she not know something like that?
It’s not as if she thought it was impossible for her to be attracted to women.
Zoe grew up with friends and family members of all sexual orientations, it was never an issue.
Yet, here she was. “I just know that I’ve never really met anyone else quite like her.
And that the thought of seeing her again has made me restless for the past weeks. ”
Nicki rubbed her neck. “I don’t really know how to answer you. Maybe you were in love with your friend. Maybe not. Human feelings are complicated.” She put a hand on Zoe’s leg. “Can I be honest with you?”
“Please be.”
“I think you’re very worked up about your wedding with Tom, which is quite normal. I think you had a very strong friendship with Julie - that’s her name, right?”
Zoe nodded.
“You had a very strong friendship with her and it ended badly. I’m no therapist, but would there be a chance that your brain is conflating both events?
You’re worried about your relationship with Tom and at the same time, you’re happy to finally maybe get closure with your long lost friend.
” Nicki paused. “That doesn’t mean you’re definitely not into women or anything, if you feel it’s something you need to explore then any more.
But in my opinion you might be questioning your sexuality because you’re questioning your upcoming wedding. Does that make sense?”
Zoe nodded again.
Another silence filled the room.
“Do you think my wedding is a bad idea?”
“I think drinking a whole bottle of champagne by yourself is a bad idea.” Nicki grinned. “Weddings are hard to organise. Tom’s fine. For the times I’ve met him, he seemed very nice. You guys look happy together.”
“We do, don’t we?”
Nicki gently patted Zoe’s leg. “That’s enough processing for tonight. We should both get some sleep. How’s your head?”
“It’s feeling much better. You’re right, I should sleep. You can take the guest room. Just make yourself home.”
Nicki stood up from the bed. “I will. Good night, Zoe.” She walked towards the door.
“Nicki?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you for everything.”
“It’s my pleasure, Zoe.”
* * *
Zoe awoke with the sunlight shining directly in her face.
She’d forgotten to close her curtains before passing out last night.
Flashes of her late-night conversation with Nicki streamed through her mind, and she squirmed with embarrassment.
Why had she talked about all this with Nicki?
The poor girl was not paid enough to deal with this.
Zoe made a note to give her a raise as well as a long vacation.
She rubbed her eyes and tried to recall what else had happened the night before.
She had drunk way too much champagne in front of the film crew.
Hopefully, she didn’t do or say anything shameful in front of them.
That Nicki knew so many things about her was more than enough.
As embarrassed as she was, though, her talk with Nicki was making things clearer in her mind - now that she was sobering up.
Still, it was hard for Zoe not to wonder about Julie all the time.
What was Julie’s job? Where did she live?
Did she finally manage to ever arrive anywhere on time?
The last thought put a smile on Zoe’s face.
Julie couldn’t be on time to save her life.
Zoe used to trick her by giving her a meeting time that was 30 minutes before she herself planned on showing up.
Julie had been so outraged when she found out that she started showing up 30 minutes late, out of spite.
Zoe would bump the meeting time to an hour in advance, then when Julie also found out about that trick, she bumped it up to one hour and a half and so on.
Eventually, it got so out of hand that they’d give each other times that were four hours before the actual meeting time.
A knock on the door resonated in the bedroom.
“Zoe? Are you awake?”
“Yes I am. You can come in.”
Nicki poked her head in. “Just checking if you’re alright, then I’ll head home. I’m assuming, you don’t want to do any work today.”
“Oh god no. I’m very hungover but I’m fine. Go home, Nicki.”
“Good to hear that.” Nicki bit the inside of her cheek. “Do you remember what we talked about last night?”
Another wave of embarrassment flooded Zoe. She hid her face with her covers. “Yes, I remember. I’m so sorry, this is so awkward.”
“Don’t worry, you’re not the first straight woman to tell me she’s questioning herself.”
“Yes, but I’m your boss!”
Nicki laughed. “At this point, I think it’s safe to assume we have more than just an employee-boss relationship. Anyway, I just wanted to check-in on that as well.”
“I think you’re right. I’m just very stressed about my wedding.”
“Once you get to Belgium and see your friend, it will make everything clearer.”
“I hope so.”