Chapter Fourteen #3
When Evangeline remained quiet, watching him with tear-filled eyes, he turned away from her, for he couldn’t bear to watch her face for this next bit.
“It was a blow, to be certain. No one wished to believe me; Echerson had done his magic too well. Eventually, I retreated to Cornwall. I buried myself there for a few years, often contemplated ending it all. But there was the unfinished mission hanging over my head.”
“The mission you intend to see through to completion,” she finished for him in a soft, choked voice.
“Yes.”
“So when you told me the other day that you would kill the man who did that to you, it was true?”
“Every word.” His shoulders drooped. “And now I have a confession. Please don’t judge me; there was no other way… at the time.”
The rustle of fabric indicated that she’d left the bed. Seconds later, she laid a hand on his back, and he flinched. “Is this the secret you’ve been hiding from me?”
Pain went through his chest. “My whole damn life is full of secrets.” Was this the beginning of the end between them?
“Tell me.” Then she scuttled around to face him with expectation. “Please.”
“When I discovered that Echerson was your husband’s closest friend, I had the plan to come to know you, that perhaps I’d get to him through you.” He shook his head. “Then the scandal in that library happened, and I didn’t anticipate the attraction between us.”
“Oh, no.” Horror crept into her eyes as she stared at him. “You didn’t.”
One of the things he adored about her was the fact she had a sharp mind. “I’m afraid so.” Slowly, he was dying, and the pain was worse than when he’d been stabbed in Paris. “I had intended for our engagement to be just that, but then I knew if I wed you, Echerson would come to the ceremony…”
“That was why you wished for me to invite him.”
His nod was curt. “And I was jealous of your attachment to the viscount, for you were mine.”
Dawning horror and disgust warred for dominance in her expression.
She dropped her hand from his person and retreated a few steps.
“Was none of it real, Michael? Am I merely a pawn in your game so you can win favor back from the Regent? So you can be a celebrated former spy and take back your place in society?”
Anger and for the first time in his life, guilt slammed into him. Now he understood why collateral damage was so egregious in these types of things. “Of course it’s real. Don’t you feel it every time I kiss you, fuck you, spend time with you?”
The tears in her eyes spilled onto her cheeks.
“As you said, a spy’s life is steeped in lies.
You had no intention of ever letting this be a real marriage, did you?
” Then she gasped. “That’s the reason for the exorbitant settlement you gave me, the property, all of it.
You were trying to prepare me for when this news broke. ”
“In doing that, I’m taking care that your future will be an easy one, that you’ll want for nothing regardless of what happens.” Why couldn’t she understand that?
“I never wanted the things, Darkemore, or the coin.” She dashed at the moisture on her cheeks as she glared at him.
“I wanted respect, I wanted love, I wanted a life where I wasn’t being used by a man for his own purposes, and I was willing to wait for you until you could come to terms with wanting that too. ”
Oh, God.
“I’m sorry.” There were no other words he could say because he’d gone into this marriage knowing he’d lied to her. “As I said, that’s how it was in the beginning.”
“And now?” One of her blonde eyebrows lifted as she crossed her arms beneath her breasts. “What are you feeling now? Am I still just a convenient place to put your prick?”
Hot annoyance surged through his veins, but before he blurted out words that would further drive a wedge between them, he shook his head.
“No. I am coming to… What I’m feeling is…
” Damn it, how could he explain something to her that he didn’t fully comprehend himself? “I have enjoyed our time together.”
She huffed. “I’ll wager you have.” A blush jumped into her cheeks. “After everything we’ve done together, everything I let you do to me…”
“It goes beyond that.” Did she not understand he was trying to protect her by keeping her at arm’s length? “I need to keep you safe, so I couldn’t get close, couldn’t let you close.”
“You are a coward, Darkemore.”
“So I’ve been told.” He deserved her ire.
“And you are a fool.”
“Perhaps I am.”
She pointed to the door. “Get out. I am out of temper with you, and if you don’t leave now, I’ll throw something at your head.” Tears shimmered in her eyes, making them luminous green pools.
“Fair enough.” With his mind screaming at him to say something that would keep her with him, Michael made his way to the door.
Then he turned back. “Steppingford has invited us to the opera tomorrow night to share his box. Tell Echerson you wish to meet him there, or somewhere in Covent Garden. Convince him that you made a mistake by marrying me.” His voice caught on the words.
Perhaps she had. “I’ll finish the mission at that time. ”
And hope to God that he hadn’t destroyed his marriage on the altar of political honor and principle.