Chapter 19
Lana
Lana’s world dissolved. Everything she thought she was, she wasn’t. Griffin’s arm around her shoulders could be the only thing stopping her floating away.
“I’ll leave you two alone,” Evangeline said, and quietly left.
Lana pressed her fingertips to her forehead.
“I don’t think I’m capable of processing this.
I’d figured out that my mom couldn’t have been Vivi’s birth mom, but I didn’t think for a second that I…
And then Estelle showed up and… But it checks out.
The first thing Walter said to me was, ‘It’s like I’m looking straight at her.
’ He was talking about Brenda, not Vivien. He was seeing a ghost.”
“What do you know of your aunt—your…”
“My mother? Only that she died in a car crash. My dad—my… God, my adoptive dad—my uncle—was close to her. Was this why my parents went off-grid—they suddenly inherited two children they were passing off as their own?”
“How do you keep that a secret?”
“They made a clean break and moved where nobody knew them. They were traveling the world before that, working for NGOs in developing countries—that’s how they met.
” Lana looked at the birth certificate again.
“They didn’t need to change our surnames, and we look so much like Dad…
I mean we look like… Oh, man, this is gonna mess me up, isn’t it?
Here’s me having you on about your existential identity crisis. ”
“If you’re Walter Shepherd’s daughter, that’s huge.”
“So—what?—he had two secret children with my aunt? That’s not a quick fling—he must have been living a double life.”
“But when you spoke to him…”
“We were totally at cross purposes. I wish I could replay the conversation. He stared at me, and he looked stunned, sick. And then… What else did he say? ‘You might not be able to respect me… It’s on me.’ He said if the truth got out it would break Grace’s heart—literally kill her.
He wasn’t meaning an affair with Vivien.
He meant an affair with my aunt, decades ago. My mother.”
“That’s a lot to compute.”
“But then, it also makes sense. All my life, it’s been Vivien and me against the world.
And she was so crazy protective of me when we were kids.
I’m not even sure when Brenda died. There are baby photos of me in the commune, so I must have been very young, but Vivien would have been …
two? Three? God, I need to see my parents. I mean my… Shit.”
“Let’s go up there.”
“It’s an epic journey—a full-day commitment, even if you get a flight into Spokane.”
“I wasn’t thinking a commercial airline.”
“You want to drive?”
“No, not driving. Before you say no…” He held up a hand. “My parents and I have shares in a private jet. We need to use it a certain number of days a year to justify the cost. We’re talking a couple of hours, max.”
“You’re telling me it’s financially illogical not to take your private plane to visit my parents.”
“I’m saying that it’s not enough of a big deal that we should have an extensive conversation about the pros and cons.”
“I don’t know, Griffin. That’s … a lot.”
“Lana, of all the dilemmas you and I could face, money is the one that shouldn’t even feature. It would be like if you had more books than you could count…”
“Which I do.”
“… and I needed a single book, but instead of reading one of your books, which you’d be happy to give me and never miss, I stubbornly bought my own copy. Please can we not make this an issue?”
“A private jet and a … secondhand book?”
“Please, Lana. Do it for Vivien. This could help.”
Oh, her life right now. A Hollywood star was begging to whisk her away on his jet. What was stopping her? Pride? Fear of looking like a freeloader? She thought about Estelle’s comment on Griffin’s hero complex. Was that driving all this, for him?
But she really, really wanted to see her parents. She had to see her parents. Even if she got a message to them to call her, it wasn’t a discussion to have over the payphone at the Cedarwood Falls gas station.
She took an expansive breath. “Griffin, that would be amazing. Thank you—really.”
He squeezed her shoulder and smiled that wide smile that sucked in your heart.
Griffin
Griffin was on edge as they left for Van Nuys under the midday sun, with his father driving and Estelle’s revelations echoing through his head: Your parents refused to pay, so they followed through on their threat. Lana wasn’t the only one due a frank discussion with the folks.
He and Lana sat in the back, where the tinted windows of the G-Wagon shielded them from the paps’ cameras.
He waited until they were on the 405 to broach the subject.
As he related Estelle’s story about the extortion ring and his own inadvertent part in it, his father hunched over the steering wheel.
“Is it true, Dad? Did you get blackmailed?”
“You gotta understand, Griff, we figured it would get out anyway—something that big. And we thought it might be a useful lesson. Scare you straight.”
“You don’t think watching my best friend die was scary enough?” Griffin felt a touch on his hand, where it rested on the seat beside him. Lana, reaching out. He gratefully linked his fingers with hers.
“Immediately afterward, you put on this blank face,” his father said. “Nothing we said or did seemed to get through. You didn’t want to talk about it, you didn’t want to accept responsibility. I’m not talking about Ethan’s death—that wasn’t your fault. I’m talking about your drug use.”
“You didn’t know what was going on in my head.”
“I tried to talk to you about what was going on in your head—you shut me out!”
“That wasn’t me not accepting responsibility! That was me buckling under the weight!”
“We realize that now. But at the time, we were terrified. I went to that funeral—Ethan’s funeral—and I walked up to his parents, and I gave my condolences, which are the most empty words you can say.
And his dad looked at me and I knew we were both thinking it could have been me accepting the condolences, him giving them.
I could see a part of him had died along with his son.
And Ethan was their only child, just like you.
My soul hurt for them but I was also so incredibly, selfishly grateful to have my boy, to be able to hug him, even if he pushed me away.
I would have done anything to keep you safe.
I still would. So, yes, we didn’t pay. One of the toughest calls of my life, but then you went clean, so maybe it was the right call.
And yes, you might have gotten clean anyway, but you’d broken our trust already at that point. ”
“I’m not saying I blame you. I just wish you’d told me. If not at the time, then…”
“I always meant to tell you. I guess the longer you leave these things, the bigger they get and the harder it is.”
Lana gave a little grunt, perhaps thinking of her own situation.
“But then,” his father continued, in a lighter tone, “if we knew you’d be scared so straight you’d get to thirty-four and still be living at home…”
Griffin scoffed. “He loves that I live in his pool house,” he said to Lana, who smiled.
“I actually do, Lana. Most of my friends never see their kids, or their kids hate them. I’m glad we raised him to be so terrified of the big bad wolf that he will never leave the castle.”
“Ever thought of writing a parenting book, Dad?”
As they pulled up outside the private terminal, a light rain was falling. A uniformed attendant opened Lana’s door. As she got out, Peter turned to Griffin. “You’re into this girl,” he said in an undertone.
“How can you possibly tell that?”
“Call it my tremendous paternal instinct.”
“Premature, Dad. Plus, to say she’s going through some stuff is an understatement. Not to mention, it’s doomed before it begins. You know the drill.”
“I do know. Shame though.”
“Yeah.” Griffin patted his father’s shoulder as he got out. “Thanks, Dad.”
On the plane, Lana perched on the seat beside Griffin as if afraid to leave an imprint on the white leather. She declined the attendant’s offer of champagne. Once they were in the air and lunch was served—beef carpaccio and caprese salad—he dismissed the staff, and she relaxed a little.
“Sorry, I could have ordered you something more interesting,” he said. “I have to maintain my weight exactly for the role, so I’m careful with what I eat.”
Lana picked up her silverware. “Don’t apologize. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this—everything.” Even alone with him, she kept her voice hushed.
“We’re in this together—and I have skin in this game now too.
Your sister is trying to bring down the same people who preyed on me at the worst time of my life.
And there’s Toby Fong. I wanna stop these bastards before they drive someone else to that.
” He slowly shook his head. “I can’t believe Estelle sent in those goons. ”
“Estelle seems like a … complicated person.”
“She has many incredible qualities, but she’s deeply insecure. One of the highest-paid actresses in Hollywood, and she doesn’t have a sense of her worth.”
“I found it hard to get a read on her. It’s like she was acting a role.”
“She’s traumatized, I think. She’s had some shit happen to her. She’s a survivor.”
“She said the system smells vulnerability and seeks it out and destroys it.”
Griffin gave a mirthless laugh.
“She mentioned Franklin Ross,” Lana said gently.
“Did she now?”
“Obviously, you don’t need to tell me.”
He shrugged. “You saw that film, right?”
“I did. You were incredible. So … fragile.”
“The role that launched my career. The most critical acclaim I’ve ever had.”
“You were so young. To act in such deeply emotional scenes—that one where your father dies…”
“I was nine,” he said, with more bitterness than he intended. “It wasn’t acting.”
“What was it?”
“That scene gets played over and over, but I can’t watch it. It wasn’t acting—it was Franklin Ross emotionally abusing a kid for months, then filming the breakdown.”
“That’s terrible.”