Thirty-Five Gemma
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
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HIS HOWL TORE RIGHT through me.
I flinched on the couch in the games room, gripping my hands together between my legs, staring at the many animal skins and chessboards with tears in my eyes.
He sounded absolutely wretched.
God, I’m sorry.
He howled again, reminding me of the night in my tent when I’d heard an animal suffering. It wasn’t an animal that night. It was him. I’d heard Kas that night and somehow, without even knowing it, I’d been searching for him to put him out of his misery ever since.
I’d found him.
Yet I’d only increased his misery.
I hugged myself, rocking on the couch.
My heart pounded with pain. I was too bruised to even cry. Goosebumps prickled down my spine each time I thought about last night. How incredible it’d been to be touched by him, kissed by him, wanted and adored and appreciated by him.
But now...all of that is gone.
He’d proven that very eloquently.
He had no memory. None. Zip. Not a spec.
I alone had the precious recollection of how it’d felt to lie with him in hot water and know I’d found the one person I belonged to.
I was lucky, I supposed.
Lucky to have us when Kas was back to thinking we were enemies.
I’m not your enemy, Kas.
Never again.
Kas groaned, the vibrations of his despair echoing through the house.
My eyes prickled as I choked on a breath.
I’d left to get some perspective. I’d removed myself from his presence so I could grapple with the hardest decision of my life.
Last night, I’d given my heart to a man for the very first time.
I’d had stars in my eyes that things would be better now.
That just because I was willing to share myself with him, all our troubles were over.
I sighed.
That isn’t the case at all.
We were back at the beginning.
And what I needed to decide now was...just how strong am I?
Just a few weeks ago, I would never have imagined I’d have the capacity to, not only sit here and contemplate all the ways I was willing to fight for him, but have faith that all my endless hope would be worth it.
He would yell, shout, curse, and deny, but in the end...he would know.
I’ll make him know.
He would come to understand that in this situation, I was stronger than him. I wouldn’t let him frighten me away. I wouldn’t permit him to scare me into silence.
I wasn’t weak-minded or stupid for not going home. I wasn’t turning my back on my family by choosing him over them.
In the end, I was choosing myself.
Because I chose you, Kas.
And you need help.
Standing, I smoothed down my peach dress and inhaled deeply.
I’d taken the necessary time to hold my decision, to pet it, examine it, and accept that there truly was no going back.
No matter the pain. The frustration. The tears.
No matter the setbacks, the inevitable arguments, the many, many struggles.
I was his, for better or for worse.
If I could be strong enough. If I could somehow, someway, grant him the peace he so desperately needed, then I stood the chance of claiming my soul-mate in return.
And wasn’t that the greatest prize of all?
Wasn’t that worth fighting for?
Kas made another noise, heart-wrenching and agonizing and my body made the final choice for me. I balled my hands and crossed through the games room back into the library.
He sat hunched over in the wingback, rocking over his broken arm as if it was the source of all his despair.
His long hair obscured his face, his bare feet and casual clothing so at odds with the regal richness of this ivy-draped mansion.
A book lay open on the floor by the wall, a dent in the hardcover binding.
My heart squeezed as I went to him.
He didn’t say a word as I hesitantly placed a hand on his shoulder and kneaded the tension in his muscle.
The connection.
The chemistry, kinship, and armistice that’d given us a fresh beginning last night could be found again. I merely had to be strong enough to survive him.
Slowly, he lifted his head, his good hand still locked over the cast I’d put on his arm. “I’m sorry.”
All the strength in my spine vanished, making me tremble before a new kind of power replaced it. This time, it was pure and possessive and I was ready to fight. I was no longer willing to let him take command and lead both of us into darkness. Here and now, I was in charge.
Moving to stand in front of him, I tipped his chin up with my fingers.
He sucked in a breath as he looked up; the open torture in his eyes undid me. He was a man stripping himself bare and reaching the same decision I had.
He needed help.
“If you want to know what happened last night, I will tell you everything. If it’s too hard to hear, then I won’t.
It’s enough for me to know that it happened.
It will be the rock I’ll cling to when times get hard.
When you say things that hurt me, I’ll remember your whispers in the bath.
When you upset me, I’ll recall the level of intensity that brought us together.
But I must warn you, Kassen, things will be different from now on. ”
I cupped his cheek, stroking his scruff.
“Last night, you gave me the right to use your name. You dropped your walls and let me in. You showed me who I’m fighting for.
And in doing so, we became friends. You don’t need to remember.
You don’t even have to accept what I’m saying is real.
You just have to...see me. See me and you’ll eventually figure out what is true. ”
He frowned, raising his hand to cup mine over his cheek. He linked our fingers together, holding me tight. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Try.”
He flinched, his gaze dancing over mine. “What if this keeps happening? What if I keep forgetting?”
“Then I’ll just keep reminding you.”
“What if I don’t believe you?”
“Eventually, you will. You’ll learn to trust me.”
“Trust you?” His eyes narrowed. “How the hell am I supposed to do that when you keep telling me I’m temporary.”
“Ah, so you do remember some things.”
His jaw tightened. “I remember that you held a knife to my heart. I lined it up for you. I told you to push.”
I stilled, working back through time and trying to figure out when Kas’s memory had faltered. “Is that the last thing you recall happening between us?”
He fell silent, tugging at certain strings in his mind until he found one with substance.
The range of emotions that scattered over his face was fascinating.
Rage, worry, anger until finally, trepidation mixed with hesitation.
“I think so. We...we were in the foyer. I took your knife and held it over my heart and told you to kill me now instead of making me work my ass off for the next few months only to kill me as winter arrived.”
I winced.
If that was true, he’d erased almost twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours where we’d worked our way closer and triumphed over what was keeping us apart.
Who knew if those memories were still inside him or if they’d been totally wiped away? Either way, we were back at the starting line.
Silence reigned until he coughed gruffly. “Do you wish you’d done it?”
“Done what?” I blinked.
“Taken me up on my offer.” He dropped his stare to his hands. “Do you wish you’d pushed that blade into my heart?”
A strange kind of laughter bubbled in my chest. No sane person could ask that after what we’d shared last night.
Which only made sadness smother my laughter because for now, Kas wasn’t sane.
And I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t crawl into his lap and murmur that I was in love with him.
He couldn’t know just how much I cared because I had an awful suspicion that my affection for him would drive him deeper into his mind.
Love had scarred him. And until I knew how deep those scars went, I would stay quiet.
“Well?” he asked, shifting in the chair, impatience rising.
I spread my palms in surrender. I had no idea what to say. “That’s up to you.”
His head snapped up, his eyes locking onto mine. “You should know by now it isn’t up to me at all.”
“Well...it’s up to you to keep me safe then, regardless of the darkness inside you.”
He sucked in a breath, studying me. “You think I can control it? Control the filth inside my head?” He laughed once. “Because I don’t.”
Silence fell between us because, once again, I didn’t know what to say.
I could be positive and assure him that, yes, I believed he could control it, but in reality, who the hell knew if that was true.
“I’m not stupid, Kas.” I tossed hair over my shoulder, standing straighter. “I know parts of you will always be dangerous. Suppression has been your only tool at surviving what happened here, which has made you unstable.”
He tensed, coiling in the chair with power.
“I, eh...” I forced myself to keep going, not quite sure what I wanted to say or even how to word it.
“While you were alone, trapped in this valley, I can see why you never worked through your trauma. Why you chose to bury it instead of face it because no one was here to help you. But...I’m here now.
I’m strong enough to listen to what you endured.
Use me to be free of it. Tell me. Allow those memories to finally be free. ”
“Stop—”
“Who knows, maybe that’s all it would take to lighten that darkness. It could—”
“Stop talking.” He suddenly pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “You’re making my headache worse.”
I let silence fall for a few heartbeats before murmuring, “If you tell someone. If you willingly welcome memories instead of pushing them away, maybe they won’t have power over you anymore, and you won’t have pieces of your life taken away without your consent.”
He snickered, his tone full of snow. “And I suppose you want me to give you every detail, huh? Every rape, every punishment? As if.” He balled his hands. “That will never happen. You’d run away screaming.”
“Or I’d welcome you with open arms.”
He froze. “I’ve told you before, but I’ll tell you again, don’t push me. I can’t promise I won’t push back.”
I stared him dead in the eyes. “You won’t raise a hand to me again. I assure you of that.”
His shadowy gaze turned darker. “Is that a threat?”
I arched my chin. “It’s a promise. Your mind might not remember what occurred last night, but your heart does.”
He bristled, fear as well as anger etching his face. “And I suppose you’re about to tell me that I confessed I’m in love with you, and you’re everything I ever wanted, and if we had two white horses, we’d ride off into the sunset together.”
“Would that be so bad? To feel those things?”
His nostrils flared, his temper building. His body gave clear evidence he wasn’t ready. He might never be ready to talk, and that was the awful choice I’d made by falling for him.
I looked past him to the windows where the sun shone, promising fresh hope the moment we stepped outside of this evil, haunted house. Now was not the time to talk about things we couldn’t fix. Now was the time for action. For preparation. For chores to keep our hands and minds busy.
“Get up.” I put my hands on my hips. “We’re leaving.”
“What?” His head cocked as if I was mad. “Where the hell are we going?”
“I’m ready to help you.”
He scowled. “With what exactly?”
“With survival.” I tilted my head. “Or are you forgetting that too? If you remember the foyer and the knife, surely you remember your ultimatum that we are partners now. Relying on each other to survive and all that. You listed all the jobs that needed to be done before—”
“Winter arrives.” He ran a hand through his long hair, flinching as he used his broken arm.
A flair of annoyance ran through me. “You really shouldn’t keep using that arm. Punching the wall last night probably didn’t do it any good.”
He went deceptively still. “I punched the wall?” His eyes strayed to the bloodstained wallpaper as if he trusted answers from a building far more than he trusted me. I waited for him to ask more questions. But in the end, he huffed and said nothing.
“It needs to be in a sling,” I muttered, breaking the tension. “That would force you to rest it.”
He sniffed. “If we’re finally prepping, I don’t have time for a sling.”
“I’ll do most of the work. You only need to teach—”
“Ha.” He stood, swaying a little. With a slight shake of his head, he stayed upright. “You’re not doing anything without my help.” He rolled his eyes, wincing as he did. “Do you think our roles have switched so much that you’re the one in charge here?”
I raised my chin and quirked an eyebrow. “Yes, actually.”
He grunted under his breath, rubbing his temple as if he could rub away his headache. “Well, you’re wrong.”
“Well, I’m still going to help you. On one condition.”
His eyes met mine. “What condition?”
“I want the chain removed.” I waggled my ankle, making the leash dance on the carpet. “The blasted thing catches on everything. I’m sick to death of dragging a chair around or getting hung up on a table. I vow to you I will not run.”
His lips pursed as thoughts scattered over his face. He swallowed hard, probably analyzing my promise not to flee, debating on my truthfulness. Finally, he sighed heavily, chagrin painting him. “I don’t...I don’t remember what I did with the key.”
“Oh.” I bit my bottom lip before matching his sigh. “Damn, that does complicate things.”
His hands plucked at the chain slinking under his T-shirt, pulling up the material to reveal the leather belt tethering me to him. “No, not really.” Dropping his hand, he looked at me, stern and savage. “I wouldn’t have let you go anyway.”
My heart tripped, full of confusion that the man it’d fallen for could still be so cruel. I pushed the pain away and stayed brave. “You will. You’ll let me go eventually.”
He shrugged. “Guess we’ll see, won’t we?” Striding around me, he headed toward the exit, stepping over shattered plates and ruined meat. “Come on. We don’t have all day.” He didn’t wait for me, knowing I wouldn’t have a choice. Eventually the chain would snap and I would follow and he would win.
Just like yesterday.
Just like the day before.
Just like all the days since I’d found him.
Nothing’s changed.
Everything’s changed.
I just had to remind him.