Thirty-Six Kassen #4
She was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen. The only person I ever wanted. The missing pieces of so many holes inside me. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to share and confess and get on my knees with oaths that she was it for me.
She’s mine.
And as long as I had her, I’d be okay.
As long as she was safe, I—
Whiteness.
Nothingness.
Everything went blank.
I was lost in silence while bleach dripped through my mind. The whiteness turned to chalk, dusting me with despair.
I-I—
I tripped back.
I didn’t know where I was. What I’d been doing. I couldn’t see a damn thing.
Something nudged me, upsetting my balance.
I landed on something hard, biting my tongue as the whiteness slowly faded, followed by the oversaturation of light, sound, and smell.
“Kas...Kas. You’re okay.” Hands in my hair. A woman kneeling before me. “Don’t fight it. You’re fine.”
Who...who—
I frowned, trying to work out who—
Gemma!
Ah, fuck, Gem.
I scooted backward, breaking her hold on me and shoving my broken arm up. “Don’t...don’t touch me. I might hurt you.”
“You won’t,” she snapped, full of conviction and power.
“It wasn’t a nightmare. It was a blackout.
You had them yesterday. You said they were nothing, but this one...
” She sniffed, and her voice cracked. “You weren’t there.
” She rubbed her nose, sitting back against the mansion’s wall.
“You were gone. Your body was inside me, Kas, yet your mind...I couldn’t reach you. ”
I scrambled farther away, glancing at her body. Her peach-tone dress covered her legs, her hair held ivy leaves, but there was no evidence I’d been inside—
She held up her hand, pointing at my crotch. “Before you argue that sex didn’t happen, look at yourself.”
I followed her finger, and my teeth snapped together. My shorts bit into my thighs, and wetness covered my very erect cock. Wetness from her. Wetness that said she’d wanted me as much as I’d wanted her.
Instantly, desire shot through me. The hiss in my balls for a release. The tingle down my spine to finish.
I shifted to touch her. To fill her again.
But I shied back.
No.
No way could I finish.
What if I blacked out again? What if I hurt her and didn’t even know?
Christ, what is happening to me?
Shaking my head, I forced myself to go back a few minutes, trying to learn what triggered me. Slowly, pieces returned. Pieces of promises, thrusts, and souvenirs of rough sex against an ivy-vined wall.
And I froze.
Because the obviousness of it was too big to ignore.
My walls had fallen the moment I’d sunk inside her. The trip wires and safety measures I’d installed after my memories came back after five years of nothing were decimated.
She’d done that.
She was so good, so perfect, that every part of me relaxed in her company. Even my mind relaxed, giving her everything.
Never.
I could never afford to do that.
Those walls were there for a reason.
“I...I have to go.” I staggered to my feet. My fingers fumbled with my zipper as I pulled up my shorts, wincing as my cock argued about being confined and denied.
Lust still hummed in my blood. I wanted her with every fiber of my being. But I wanted to keep her safe more.
Gemma stood too, watching me carefully. “You said that last night, and I let you go. I’ve regretted it ever since.” Stepping toward me, she whispered, “Wherever you go, I go. I’m not letting you out of my sight today.”
“That’s not a good idea.” I swallowed hard. “I...I need some time to—”
“Firewood!” she blurted. “Let’s go collect firewood.” Giving me a wobbly smile, she added, “Let’s stick to the original plan, okay? No thinking. No worrying. Whatever just happened, let’s forget it. Let’s just stay busy...together.”
I looked past her to the house.
To the thought of hiding in an empty dorm, in an empty valley, with an empty heart.
Alone.
Loneliness was my prison—a place where I understood the parameters. I could control it, even if I couldn’t get free from it. But I couldn’t do that around her. She threatened all my foundations and all my barriers.
But her offer spoke to the darkness inside me.
The part of me that was sick to fucking death of being alone.
It wanted her. It wanted to be with her, in every capacity, all the damn time.
I didn’t even have to be inside her. I just wanted to be near her.
And what sort of curse was that? To find peace with the one person who was killing me?
A cloud skidded over the sun, casting us in shadow, taking away the heat in the sky and reminding me, all over again, that the chill in the air was because autumn had arrived and winter wasn’t far behind.
Our chores couldn’t wait.
I could continue having my mental breakdown while working.
“Just...promise to keep a safe distance. Don’t get too close to me.” I turned my back on her and moved toward the treeline.
She didn’t reply, and I didn’t stop.
We no longer had a chain locking us together, but she’d follow.
I knew she would.
We were joined in so many ways these days, so many disastrous, dangerous ways.
Sure enough, the soft patter of her feet chased me all the way into the trees.
Into my madness.
Into a hell I couldn’t get free from.