Thirty-Seven Gemma #2
I reared back, pain slapping into my heart as real as if his palm had just struck my cheek. “It wasn’t the chain keeping me here. We both know that. I thought we’d both realized I stopped looking for a way to get free a while ago.”
He sniffed, his scruff soaking up the meager light, his shadowed eyes darker and complex. “All the same, if you leave in the night, I’ll-I’ll understand.” He cleared his throat. “Whatever promises you made me, consider them broken.”
“Are you talking about the promise I made to help you prepare for winter or the one where I promised to remember what you forget?”
His nostrils flared as he backed toward the door. “Both. You’re released from both.”
My hands balled into fists. “And if I don’t want to be released? If I want to stay here and help you? If I’m prepared to stay during the winter? If I’m ready to jot down everything that we do and keep a diary on every interaction we share, what then?”
“Then I’d say you sound as if you need a new hobby. You should go home. Back to the family you keep saying is missing you.”
It took a few seconds to get my temper under control. I inhaled and exhaled, schooling my tone into something that wouldn’t end in a fight. “I made the choice to stay, Kas. In the bath, I told you I chose you over my brother.”
His eyes flared, followed by a bolt of hunger and pure concentrated need.
My body reacted to his.
The air positively sparked as if candles sprung to life between us.
But then he shut it all down again.
He shook his head as if he couldn’t bear the thought that I’d put him first. As if he wasn’t used to such a thing. As if he felt guilty that he’d become so, so important to me.
“Don’t,” he whispered, taking another step toward the door. “Don’t put me first.”
I followed him. “Why? Why shouldn’t I? I promised you I’d help you get better.”
His hand struck up, barring me from chasing any further. “I’ve changed my mind.” His face twisted as if he swallowed something painful, as if his heart had forgotten how to beat. Rubbing his chest, he growled, “I think it’s best if you go. I don’t need your help anymore.”
Without waiting for me to reply, he vanished into the darkness of the foyer, disappearing into a mansion that’d watched too many children been broken down, twisted up, and spat out into despair.
I swayed to go after him.
I locked my knees and forbade it.
I’d let him go, nursing the new wounds he’d given me, dragging myself to the bathroom where I’d endured an icy shower.
I hadn’t cried while I dressed in a powder-blue nightgown with a lace collar and spaghetti straps.
I didn’t give in to the pressure as I shrugged into my hoodie and crawled under my stolen blankets to lay staring at the stars.
And even now, even with hours between this moment and that, I still refused to give in to the crush of agony that Kas was so skilled at delivering.
I sighed for the millionth time.
Enough, Gem.
Just...enough.
I sat up.
On nights like this at home, I’d get up and either scroll through some climbing forums or go for a climb. I had a twenty-four-hour pass to my local bouldering gym. I’d often haunt the slabs and be found repeating routes at six in the morning when other people would arrive for a session.
God, I want to climb.
I tipped my head back and looked once more at the sky. A little overcast but no rain. It would be a perfect night for a workout. I could slip into my gear and grab my climbing shoes and find something in which to take out my loneliness.
The urge to go rushed through me.
Kas wanted me to leave?
Maybe he was right.
Perhaps, I should leave for the night. Regardless that my body was exhausted from firewood gathering, I had a well of nervousness and unsatisfied desire.
A small climb, even just halfway up the cliff, would do wonders for my peace of mind.
Do it.
Scooting out of the blankets, I darted through the games room and into the library. There, I found my rucksack sitting by the desk. The food and chocolate bars remained in the downstairs closet, but my ropes, quickdraws, and other equipment had never been unpacked.
Kneeling beside it, I unzipped the heavy bag and rifled through my gear.
The instant my fingers touched the nylon rope and the cool metal of the carabiners, my heart panged for an easier existence. Homesickness filled me, and tears pricked my eyes.
The dry smell of chalk and the slight whiff of my climbing shoes brought back so many memories of Joshua and me arguing late at night.
How he called me reckless when I regaled tales of almost tumbling off an 8A boulder with no crash mat.
Of my mother curling her nose with confusion as I tried to show her how my new harness worked.
Of Katie, my closest friend, when we challenged each other to speed climbing and both came in woefully slow.
I sat back on my heels, struggling not to cry.
What were they doing now?
Was anyone still looking for me?
Where was Josh? Did he gather a search party, or was he too used to his wild sister disappearing on some rock expedition, only to pop back up online with a new video, perfectly fine?
I was guilty of not corresponding very well when I was on the road.
Once, I’d gone two weeks without messaging anyone. Too caught up in the present moment, camping at the base of a tall cliff, editing my videos by solar charger at night, and generally being selfish with my time, cutting everyone out until I was ready to re-enter society.
Oh, God.
I hugged the sudden cramp in my belly.
Maybe that was why no helicopters had scanned the area or why no hint of a rescue party had appeared.
Maybe Joshua had just rolled his eyes at my vanishing act—conditioned to expect me to randomly appear on his doorstep, covered in mud, tired from living in a tent, gushing with stories of stone that he couldn’t care less about.
He probably thought I would’ve activated my locator beacon if I was in any real danger.
The very same beacon he’d watched me buy when we’d gone shopping together.
He’d listened to the same lesson I had as the shopkeeper told me how to use it, when to activate it, and what to do if I ever needed help.
Perhaps I’d been a product of my own capabilities, just like Kas.
I’d bought all the gear and invested in all the skills, convincing those around me that I was perfectly safe and not to worry.
Now I’d been left to my own devices, just like I’d wanted.
Just like Kas had been forgotten by those he’d fought to save.
Hadn’t he taught those he loved that he was strong enough to commit murder, to bury bodies, and to do the unthinkable to get them out?
His family wouldn’t have viewed him as a boy who needed caring for but a hero who was invincible.
Perhaps that was why they never came back for him? Believing he’d already left and was achieving the impossible somewhere, not needing them to have his back.
Sucking in a shaky breath, I reached for my video recorder, tucked up safe in a fleece at the bottom of my bag.
The urge to climb vanished beneath a crippling urgency to see my brother. To hear him. To remind myself that I was loved, even if I currently lived with a man determined to prove otherwise.
Turning on the recorder, I skimmed through the data currently saved on the memory card. A few climbs were on there, along with a couple of shots of Katie as I taught her a higher grade.
Ah, there.
Taken a few months ago at my home.
A rare afternoon when Josh and my mother had popped round. I’d been excited and nervous to host my family. I’d cleaned my house until everything sparkled. I’d bought a cake mix and done my best to have perfect cupcakes ready for when they arrived.
It hadn’t quite gone to plan.
A small smile tugged my lips as I pressed play and sat cross-legged on the floor.
It’d been a spur-of-the-moment video. My recorder had been next to me in the kitchen when they’d arrived, and I’d had a sudden urge to immortalize my crazy, joking brother before he got married, grew serious, and stopped teasing me.
“Hey, my favorite Gemstone, what’s up?” Joshua strode through my front door without knocking. He sniffed the air like a bloodhound. “Ohhh, do I smell sugar?”
“You do indeed, and they’re not ready yet, so stay out of my kitchen.” My voice sailed through the air, my hands keeping the video steady on his face.
He narrowed his matching hazel eyes, a glint appearing. “Not allowed in your kitchen, you say?” He stalked me, his arms bent in front of him and hands forming into claws. “You should know by now not to tempt me with rules. I just have to break them.”
The video jiggled as I backed up, my laugh pure and simple. “Oh no, you don’t, Joshykins.”
His nose wrinkled. “You know I hate that nickname.”
“Too bad.”
“I’m gonna get you.”
“Don’t you dare. Stay back.”
He roared like a T-Rex, waving his arms around like an idiot. “Fear me, pathetic human.”
“Get a grip.” I snickered. “Mom!” My mother entered my home, swinging off her handbag and placing it on the side table by the door. “Tell him to stop being a douche.”
“Rarrrrrr!” Josh gnashed his teeth together.
My mother rolled her eyes. “Gosh, you two can never just be normal together, can you?”
“Nope!” My brother winked before turning back toward me with an annoying smirk. “Get running, Gemstone.”
“You’ll ruin my cupcakes!”
Joshua snarled like a dinosaur again and launched himself at me.