Chapter 20 #2
‘I told you I was out this afternoon. And Mum and I go to the allotment, though not so much in this weather.’
‘I mean out by yourself doing something for you. I’m not talking about work or going to the supermarket. I mean you putting yourself first, doing something that you want to do. Didn’t you and Amy used to go for spa days?’
I couldn’t remember the last time we’d done one of those. It would have been long before she got pregnant with Oscar.
‘It’s not that easy.’
‘I never said it would be, but I think you’ve got to face facts that it’s not going to get any easier.’ He sighed. ‘I know I’ve been a bit of a shit friend over the last few years and I’ve probably got no right to say all this when I’ve done nothing to help, but I’ve got to say something.’
I didn’t respond, not because of what he’d said, but because I was trying not to cry.
‘Sorry, Luce. I blame these damn big birthdays. We’ve always had too much talk of where will be next time; it makes me think.’
‘Yeah, me too,’ I said, letting out a deep breath and pinching the bridge of my nose in a bid to stop the tears. ‘I guess we were both wrong with our predictions. I did not have me living at home in the boxroom, caring for my mother.’
I tried to laugh but there was a bitter edge to my voice that I couldn’t hide.
What I wouldn’t give to go back four years.
Not to change what had happened with Noah, but to be with the mum from those pubs in Dublin, with her how she used to be.
When she knew where she was and she planned for the future, before that future was cruelly ripped away in what felt like a blink of an eye.
‘And I never thought I’d be on a beach in the Maldives.’
‘Yes,’ I said mock sighing. ‘There’s no need to rub it in.’
‘No, no. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant, me being here. On this kind of holiday … I don’t know. I’m being a dick, holding a pity party for one over here.’
‘I’m getting my tiny violin ready for you.’
He laughed. ‘Look, I guess I’m just trying to say that sometimes we all need to put ourselves first.’
I wrinkled my face up. I knew that he was giving me advice, but there was something in the way he was talking that made me wonder if he wasn’t just speaking to me.
‘Is everything OK with you?’
There was a pause, and it was hard to tell on the line but there was a slight mumble like he started to say something and thought better of it.
‘Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m in the Maldives, how could it not be?’
I couldn’t help but hear sarcasm in his voice.
‘Listen, I should probably get back to the bungalow in case Mags wakes up and freaks out that I’m not there.’
I wanted to talk to him more, to get to the bottom of whatever it was he was hinting at. I worried about him being alone in the night on a deserted beach.
‘Noah, you know I’m here, if you need to talk?’
There was a pause and I couldn’t make out the noise on the other end of the phone.
‘I know,’ he said, eventually.
‘OK, well, I mean it.’
‘Thanks, Luce.’
‘OK, well, um, thanks for phoning.’
‘You’re more than welcome. I’m just sorry that we didn’t spend it together. Feels weird, right?’
‘Yeah.’ I nodded, without him being able to see. ‘It does.’
‘We’ll do something again for the next one.’
I hoped that we would and that this wasn’t a one-off phone call that was a kneejerk reaction to nostalgia and birthdays. I wanted him back in my life, and if that meant swallowing the petty jealousy I had of the life he and Mags were living, then so be it.
‘I’d like that … as long as there aren’t any dead animals involved.’
‘Noted. Take care.’
‘You too.’
I hung up the phone and I let the tears I’d been holding flow down my face.
It wasn’t for the fact that today had been a birthday of extreme highs and lows, or that I missed having Noah in my life, but because he was absolutely right with what he said.
I wasn’t coping and I needed help. I just didn’t know if I was brave enough to ask for it.
There was a knock at my door.
‘I’m making a cup of tea. Do you want one?’
I almost laughed through the tears. At this rate my blood was ninety per cent tea.
‘OK, thank you.’
‘Great. I think I’ve got some ginger nuts, they’re your favourite, aren’t they?’
I heard her footsteps pad down the hallway. Ginger nuts were my favourite and I clung on to the tiny bit of hope that it was a sign that Noah and my gut were wrong.
Facebook messenger – Amy to Lucy: March 2016
You don’t need to keep apologising. Nothing happened!
Besides, I think if it had been less of a shock, I would have marvelled at how at peace Oscar was with her.
He usually hates strangers. Hope you had a nice birthday, and we’d love to have you to stay if you can get someone to look after your mum overnight? Or, failing that, an afternoon?
Text message – Mags to Lucy: May 2016
It’s that time of year! We’re having our annual summer BBQ! Saturday July 16th, 6 p.m. Let me know dietary requirements. Dress code cocktail. RSVP
Voicemail – Caz: July 2016
Hey Lucy, I heard from Amy that you can’t make the Matthews’ annual summer bash.
Did you know last year that they had actual lobster on the BBQ, just in case that makes you change your mind?
But if it’s tricky leaving your mum, I wondered if you were free the next morning for brunch?
My train back up to Edinburgh isn’t until 4, so I think I could make it to Basingstoke and back in time? Call me.
Email – Hampshire Social Services Health Team to Lucy: February 2017
Dear Lucy,
I’m sorry I don’t have better news but we’re unable to change your mum’s care package at this time.
There is a list of reputable private care options on our website that might help you to fill the gaps you’re looking for.
I also attach the information about respite care for short stays in residential homes, and the costs associated with it.
Regards,
Michelle
Email – Paul to the Group: December 2017
Hi everyone,
Long time no see, although maybe it seems much longer through lack of sleep.
We were thinking that it would be nice to get us all together before Christmas?
I know it’s a squash and a squeeze at ours, but it would be easier for us than trying to get someone to look after our little darlings.
We were thinking lunch – as there might be a chance we get one of the children (or both!) to nap – optimistic, I know.
But also thought that, Lucy, you could get someone to watch your mum for a couple of hours?
Let me know thoughts.
P
WhatsApp message – Lucy to Amy: December 2017
Thanks you guys for making me come, I’m sorry I couldn’t stay longer. Food was lovely and the company even better. Mum was fine, and you’re right, I should do it more often. Have a great Christmas xx
Voicemail – Lucy to Noah: May 2018
Hi Noah, I am so sorry to cancel at such short notice but it’s Mum; she’s having [sigh] a bad day and I can’t leave her.
I know that you’re not often down this way, so I hate that I’m going to miss you but I can’t go.
And she’s so agitated that I can’t even suggest you coming to the house. I hope you’re well. Catch up soon.
WhatsApp message – Lucy to Caz: August 2018
Sorry I missed your call again. The evenings are tricky at the moment. I’ll try and call you maybe from work. I’m OK, hope you are too. Did I see from Instagram you were in Paris? Did you see Bertrand? Xx
Email – Lucy to everyone: February 2019
Hi guys,
I’m sorry to bail on another birthday – sorry, Noah, hope you have a good one. Dad is coming over for us all to have a birthday lunch. I have no idea how that will go, but hey. Have a great time. X
WhatsApp message – Dad to Lucy: July 2019
Hi Lucy. How are you getting on? Is your mum doing any better? Tania wanted to know if you wanted to come to us on Sunday for lunch? Or any Sunday?
Facebook messenger – Andrew to Lucy: September 2019
Hi Lucy! Hope you don’t mind the DM. But your bushes need trimming. Just wondering if I could trim them for you?
Yep. I hit send before I read that back. Your BLACKBERRY bushes need trimming. Sorry for inadvertent creepy message.
Also, sorry, it’s Andrew, from the allotment.
WhatsApp message – Amy to Lucy: October 2019
Just to say, I’ll be thinking of you all day. I’m sure that your mum is going to settle in just fine. Call if you need me. Or if you want me to come and stay in the house with you. Love you. xx
Facebook messenger – Lucy to Andrew: November 2019
Thank you for helping me with the pruning, I would have got rid of most of the raspberry plants without your intervention. And I honestly was sorry I couldn’t go to the pub after. Hopefully we can go another time?
WhatsApp messages – Uni group: January 2019
Amy:
Paul and I have been thinking and we thought perhaps we could try and all get together for Noah and Lucy’s birthday?
?? I don’t think we could stretch to anywhere as fancy as the Maldives.
Short of selling one of the kids, and I don’t think we’d get much money for them, we won’t be able to afford to go too far.
But we were thinking a weekend in London?
Lucy:
I’d love that. Mum’s happier in the home but I still don’t feel like I can go that far afield, so London would be perfect.
I know it isn’t really picnic weather but maybe we could do a walk in one of the parks to keep the costs down.
Looking forward to seeing you all! And thanks so much for suggesting it.
@Noah, are you going to be able to make it, or are you off to another paradise for it?
Noah:
What are you saying, Lucy, that London isn’t a paradise in its own right? Yes, I can make it. Looking forward to it.
Caz:
Love this for us. Do not love the walk idea. It’s going to be freezing. What about a museum? British Museum? Natural History? Lucy, are we going to meet the new man???
Lucy:
NO DEAD ANIMALS, although the dinosaur bones look cool. And no to new man, it’s still early days.
Amy:
Museums are a great idea. Leave it with me, I’ll come up with a plan.
WhatsApp message – Lucy to uni group: February 26th 2020
Guys, are you watching the news? Are we still going?