20. Kalel
Kalel
Alira rushes past me, but I can’t tear my eyes away from my mother for one moment.
At first, I can’t believe it’s real. I continue to stare at her, waiting for this vision to end, but it doesn’t. My mother extends her arms to me, tears running down her cheeks as mine do.
“Kalel,” she chokes out my name.
I rush to her, and we wrap our arms around each other, sobbing.
“I’m so sorry, Mom,” I cry, not caring that my tears are staining her cloak, as she once scolded me over when I was a young child. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to save you that day.”
She shakes her head and runs her hand soothingly down my back. “My son, you cannot blame yourself for things that you can’t control. We may not always like the fates we are handed, but I accepted it. I was happy that you were still alive.”
My mother quickly pulls back and looks me over. A stern and concerned look replaces her joyful one. “Why are you here?” Her eyes widen, and she looks mortified. “No, it cannot be.”
I let my eyes shift toward the ground, and I take a deep breath. “I’m not entirely sure yet if I am dead or not.”
My mother gives me a curious look, but hope brims in her gaze.
I motion my hand to the sofa that I remember growing up around. Her entire cottage is just as it was not even a year ago. It makes me feel at home. It makes me never want to leave ever again.
“It’s a long story,” I murmur as I take a seat.
She gives an understanding look and nods. “I’ll get you a cup of tea.”
My mother sits quietly, staring into the empty cup in her hands for a long while before speaking.
I told her everything. From the moment I lost her to now, from before that, with my death in Florum as a child and Pluto saving me. Everything.
“Kalel…I’m not quite sure what to say. Or where to start.” She only stopped crying a few minutes ago. The handkerchief by her side is still wet. “So…that woman, she is Alira? The demigod you married?”
I thread my fingers together uncomfortably and keep my eyes down. I had to tell her all the truly awful things I’ve done. Shame swells within me and breaks me down.
I nod.
My mother stands and walks toward the door, opening it and looking outside both ways. “Where did she go? She wasn’t waiting outside?” she asks urgently.
I lift my shoulders and let them drop. “She must be in the village somewhere.” I feel so overwhelmed with emotions that I don’t know what to do except exist. Every breath feels harder than the last.
“Kalel.” My mother says my name with a tone suggesting that she’s frustrated.
I lift my eyes and meet her gaze. “She is an adult demigod. She can do whatever she wants down here. Why should I have to keep tabs on everywhere that girl goes?” I sound more bitter than I am. Telling our story dredged up frustration again.
My mother strides across the room and slaps me across the face. My eyes widen, and I press my hand to my cheek like a dumbfounded boy, blinking up, stupefied, at his mother.
“You never did come back the same after you lost your uncles in Florum Forest. But I never thought you’d become so heartless.
Kalel, that is your wife. And I know you two have your differences and are facing a dark past, but I can see it in her as much as I do in you.
You two love each other. Despite all of this, you were both given another chance, by the gods no less! ”
My heart sinks in my chest. Why is it that the tender things within ourselves are the hardest to face? The things that hurt and are wounded want to be left alone.
“But, Mom, Alira is the reason you’re dead,” I murmur, voice cracking with emotion.
Her face softens, and she takes a step closer, setting her hand on my cheek and brushing my hair back as she used to when I had a fever.
“She is not the reason I am dead. Her king would have sent another knight if not for her, and by the sounds of it, there was never any choice, not one that she could make. Venus and Pluto were already interfering in your fates. You cannot blame my death on that girl. Just as she cannot blame the deaths of the demigods and the fates that they came to in Devicit on you.” Her eyes fill with pain.
“You know I lived in Thornhall because I couldn’t stand their ways in the kingdom.
That’s why I fought with you after you returned from Florum and insisted on going to become a knight. I never wanted that life for you.”
She gives me a tight smile and walks over to her bookshelf, opening one of her boxes and grabbing a small trinket. She places it in my hand, and I stare down at it.
It’s a laurel leaf made of gold. I give her a quizzical look.
“To remember me by. If there is a way to bring peace to the kingdoms above, then you have to go. I love you so much, my son, but you have to go.” She holds her hand tightly against mine and presses a kiss to my forehead.
I dip my head and try to see a future in which it’s possible to end the fighting.
“But I’m so tired, Mom. I don’t want to kill anymore.”
She tips my head up and smiles. “Then don’t. Go find the godling and make right what is wrong. If Venus and Pluto are betting on you, then I am too. You two can change everything.”
I bite my cheek to keep the tears from returning to my eyes.
“She may not be as angry anymore, but she thinks I’m a monster. And perhaps I have been one. I don’t think she will ever love me the same again.”
My mom only holds my hand reassuringly as she guides me to the door. “I think you would be surprised at what love can do. You may even discover that it isn’t meant to stay the same, only grow. Now go.”
She urges me out the door. I stand at the doorway, memorizing her for as long as I can. “We will meet again,” I say with a hopeful smile.
She nods, waving at me with a warm grin, the way she always used to before I left to go on my missions. It’s so similar that it almost feels like a dream, a memory.
But she’s right. I have to find Alira.