22. Alira
Alira
I find myself reminiscing since I’ve found myself in a place where I have no idea where I am, and the land stretches out all around me.
Thinking about what could have been if Kalel and I had been more understanding of one another, and more open to changing our fate together instead of arguing about the past.
I wonder if Kalel is still down here like I am. Lost and hopeless, wondering if there is still a way back out of Mortem even though so much time has passed. It doesn’t seem likely, but then again, Venus did say that every second in the world above is an hour here.
It’s been a little over a week already of being lost and hopeless in the swamplands. Time moves oddly here. So slowly that you lose your mind to it quicker than your senses. All that’s left to do is reflect on your mistakes and what you would take back.
If I could go back, I would tell Kalel that I want to hear him out. Hear his apologies that I ignored.
After the Fates left me, I searched this place for the better part of a day, and I found an abandoned cottage much like the one that Kalel and I found on our first day together after the time loop. It’s a small home with a kitchen, living area, and a bed by the fireplace all in the same room.
It was easy to make this place my temporary home as I searched for a way out of the misty swamp, but solitude quickly turned into loneliness, and then into longing. I thought about my kingdom and Devicit for long hours that stretched into longer days.
This is my punishment. I only wish Kalel were here with me.
Now I regret not being able to resolve things while we were alive. I just hope that Kalel got to be with his mother again. I hope he has found peace.
I make another mark on the page to count another day passed.
The bed creaks as I sit down on it and pull the sheets up to my chin. I stare at the ceiling and count the dry flowers hanging from it as I do every night. They were here when I arrived, and ironically, they are the dry peonies from Kalel’s palace.
The days were quick at first. I had a lot to do when it came to finding a way out of the swamp.
But no matter which direction I walked into the fog and mist, I always ended up back at the cottage.
There’s plenty of food here, not that we have to eat in Mortem, but everything is surprisingly similar to being alive, so instead of fighting against it, I just go along with it, eating the rations of dry corn and soups that were in the cabinets already.
It’s hard to believe that time moves so differently in Mortem. It’s been a week here but only almost three minutes above. I wonder if Nikolai is okay, and if Tessa’s family is safe. I wonder if Korin is among the knights in the Alzhorian army, ready to raid the kingdom.
It’s maddening to know that’s how much time has passed in here and how little out there; it’s like waiting for a terrible thing to happen and you’re watching it head-on. It might take years for it to get to you, but all you can do is wait and watch.
I’m awakened by pounding on the door.
My heart leaps into my throat, all my senses go into flight mode, and I only manage to clutch at the blanket and hold it close to my chest.
The cottage door never had a lock on it, and it never bothered me because I’ve been alone in the swamp. But now my heart races, fear sprinting through my veins as the knob turns and the door creaks open.
I have half a mind to hide beneath the covers, but my instincts kick in. I quickly slip out of bed and grab the walking cane that I found in the closet during my first day here.
I doubt I’ll be able to do anything with this, but at least it’s something.
The door opens wide, and a dark figure steps over the threshold.
His shoulders are broad, and even though it’s dark, I can tell that this traveler is weary. I can’t see his face clearly, but as I listen to him walk across the floor toward me, I know who he is. I can tell by the mere sound of his footsteps. I would know them anywhere.
He stops right in front of me. Only a foot between us. He stares down at me, and this close, his face is as clear as any. His eyes are dark and sunken as if he hasn’t slept a single night. The scruff of his beard has grown in, and it makes him look so different. Older.
We stand face-to-face in silence.
My heart is in my throat, and I have no idea what to say to him. All I know is that my emotions rise within me, begging me to let them out and not hold them in anymore.
Kalel looks like he feels the same overwhelming emotions; his brows are pinched together, and his breaths are shallow, like his heart is beating as fast as it can.
“Little godling…I’ve finally found you.” His voice is choked up, and tears brim in his eyes.
I open my mouth, but words evade me. I don’t know what to do or even what to say; all I know is that I’m so happy to see him.
“Is this real? Are you really here?” I ask warily, staring down at his hands and tempted to reach out and touch them.
“As real as you, I hope,” he murmurs, studying my face.
I wonder what he sees. Does he see the lonely godling that has spent all her time here in solitude?
Do I look as tired as him? He must see the suffering on my face just as much as I see it on his because his breaths are heavy and he presses a hand to his heart as if it aches.
The embers from the fireplace crackle into the air and fizzle out between us.
That is the only sound that breaks between us before we collide into each other’s arms.
“Kalel, I’m so sorry. For your mother…for Thornhall, and for keeping secrets from you. I’m so sorry,” I weep into his arms, and he holds me just as tightly.
He presses his lips to the top of my head and brushes a hand through my hair.
“I’m sorry, Alira. I’m sorry for lying to you, for keeping such awful secrets.
For cursing you to suffer in the time loops.
I’ve done so many terrible things…and I’ve had nothing but time to think about things.
To dwell on all the time that I’ve wasted, causing others misery.
Now that we’re dead, the only thing I know I wanted in life was you. Let everything else be damned.”
I can’t stop sobbing. I push away enough so I can look into his eyes, fisting my hand and lightly pounding it against his chest. “Where have you been? I couldn’t find you.
I couldn’t find my way back to you, and I’ve been stuck here in this place all this time.
” The words come spilling out of me. I wipe away my tears, but they’re quickly replaced with more.
He cups my cheek with his hand and gives me a sympathetic look.
“I’ve searched for you every second of every day.
I have walked across all of Mortem to find you in the farthest corner, hidden away like a gem.
I would look for a thousand more if I had to, Alira.
” Kalel buries his mouth to the crux of my neck, whispering my name.
“Alira, I love you. Every thought I’ve had has been consumed by you.
You may still hate me, but I will do anything to make right what is wrong.
Please. Please forgive me. I don’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve any of it, but please, let us try.
” He looks up at me with heartbreak brimming in his eyes.
Can hearts break even after they’ve been broken?
“Will you ever be able to fall in love with me again?”
I stare at him with surprise.
I slowly lift my hand and wipe the tear that slips from his eye. “I would fall in love with you again and again until the end of time. No matter what you’ve done, it’s not who you are anymore. I know who you really are, Kalel. I know your heart.”
His expression breaks, and he wraps his arms around me, pulling me tightly against his chest.
“Do you think it’s too late to return to the world above?” he whispers, letting his fingers glide through my hair.
“I don’t know if we have a choice,” I murmur, letting my eyes shift across the room to the dagger on the table. Kalel pulls back and looks at me.
“Why not? Haven’t we given them enough?” He smooths my hair from my face, and I swallow nervously.
“I didn’t leave the village…at least not intentionally. The Fates brought me to their cave, where they gave me this.” I walk across the room and grab the dagger from the table. Kalel follows me over and studies the blade.
His eyes widen a fraction. “Isn’t this your mother’s dagger? How is it here? The Fates gave you this?” There are so many questions in his gaze and worry.
I nod. “They said this is how I change the fate of the demons and demigods. A sacrifice out of love.”
Even after how much I’ve dwelled on it since being trapped in the swamp, I’m still unsure of what the sacrifice means. No matter how many ways I look at it, it seems one of us must die.
Kalel’s brows firm and lower. “A sacrifice, as in a death, to be provided to them?”
His thought process is very much the same as mine. I give him an uncertain nod. “That’s what I think they meant by it.”
He shakes his head and hands the dagger back to me. “No, something must be off. There’s always a trick up their sleeves, isn’t there? There must be something else. Just like the gods are always toying with us and never giving us a straight answer.”
He’s not wrong. They’ve been doing it this entire time, pulling the strings behind the scenes, having plans set in motion long before we even know we are on the path.
Maybe that’s why we couldn’t think as clearly as we can down here.
Anger washes away all sense; you’re only left with the truth of things and your sorrow.
Regret, mainly.
“We can talk about that tomorrow,” Kalel says as he carries me to the sofa and sets me down. A loose grin pulls at his lips. “I’ve missed you, and honestly, everything else can wait until morning.”