Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
CASH
“He did what?” Lie asks, voice shrill and pissed.
It’s been two days since Benson shoved me, and I’m honestly still a little shocked. It didn’t hurt. I didn’t fall. There’s not even a mark on me from where his hands landed on my chest.
I hadn’t thought Ben could do anything else to hurt me more than he has over the last eight years. I’ve become numb to his threats and insults and the gross things out of his mouth. I haven’t flinched when he’s advanced on me in years.
Which is why I hadn’t expected that he’d actually touch me. The only reason I stumbled at all was that it took me by surprise. He hadn’t actually pushed me hard. If I’d expected it, I’d have planted my feet and made him feel foolish by not even taking a step back.
But he actually put his hands on me. He shoved me.
I hadn’t wanted to tell Lie. I know my best friend. I wouldn’t put it past him to show up here with a steak knife and stab my brother in the arm with it.
The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. Onyx stepped in immediately in my defense, but there’s been a strange tension between us since then. Something broke. Shifted. Changed.
Once again, I feel like the helpless bystander who’s feeling the brunt of the change. I’ve been Benson’s primary target for his hatred for no reason at all. Now I feel like I’m Onyx’s obligation.
It feels like he comes to my room because he has to, but he no longer wants to. We don’t talk. We sit quietly and listen to music. We fool around, but it feels… strange now.
“He didn’t hurt me,” I say as I stare at my ceiling. I have my earbuds in, so I don’t have to hold my phone to my ear. “I was taken off guard, is all.”
“Did you kick him in his teeth?” he demands.
I grin. “No. Onyx threw him to the ground.”
“Yessss!” he whoops.
“Yeah,” I agree, but there’s no enthusiasm in my agreement.
“God, I hate your brother. Did you tell your parents?”
I roll my eyes. “Lie, I’m twenty. Don’t you think I’m a little old to tattle on my brother?”
“Yes. You’re too old to tattle that your brother is being mean to you. However, now you’re of the age where you report assault. Ben has never had any consequences for his actions. That’s why everything about his ugliness continues to grow and get louder.”
Sighing, I close my eyes and roll onto my side. “No, I didn’t tell my parents. I have. You know I have in the past. I used to tell them all the time.”
“You told them the nasty things he’s said to you. But now you tell them that he physically assaulted you.”
“Is pushing really even—”
“Yes,” Lie snaps. “Do not excuse his behavior, Cash. I’ll kick your ass if you even try.”
“I wish there were somewhere I could go. Somewhere else I can live. I hate feeling like I’m a prisoner of my own bedroom unless my parents are home.”
“Want to come here?”
I think about his mother, and while her judgy remarks are never directed toward anyone but Lie, I’m not sure I want to witness them every day either.
At least I know she’ll never lay a hand on her son.
I trust that with my whole heart. It feels like I’d be trading one unhealthy situation for another, though. Even if it’s different.
“No, thanks.”
“I can see if Laiken wants to rent out his spare room.”
My eyes open. Huh. “I don’t hate that thought, even if it’ll be awkward being your old man boyfriend’s roommate.”
He cackles.
“Oh, wait. I’m not sure I want to hear you two having sex all the time. I feel like I’m going to be scarred.”
His laughter fills my ears again, and I grin. When he sobers, Lie says, “We haven’t had sex yet.”
“Why not? You’re such a hoebag.”
Lie snorts. “I guess… I don’t know. We do other things.
Like everything besides penetrative sex.
I want it. I’m soooo ready, Cash. But I’m also not, like, in a hurry.
There’s no deadline. No rush. Sometimes you’re with someone, and you know that everything you do is building up to that one moment, and when you reach it, that’s it.
There’s nowhere left to go. Yet you can’t help but rush toward it. You know?”
“No,” I answer, and Lie laughs.
“My sweet, innocent Cashy.”
“Shove it.”
He’s still chuckling when he continues. “I guess I’m saying that the acts might be the same, but it’s still so much more. I love what we’re doing, and I can’t wait until the next thing, even if it’s something we’ve already done. I’m still excited.”
My chest tightens. I understand that feeling, and I kind of hate that I do. Especially now that I think maybe it’s not the same as it was a few days ago.
Why does my brother pushing me suddenly make Onyx so… detached from me?
“Good,” I say. “I’m happy for you. I love that for you.”
Lie hums. “But seriously. Why didn’t you kick Ben in the teeth? Or, if you can’t get your foot up that high, the balls?”
“I was on my way to work.” To be fair, I was so stunned that I didn’t react at all. Even as Onyx intervened. I just stared.
The only reason I ended up turning away was that I could feel tears stinging my eyes, and I wasn’t going to let Benson see me cry.
He’d take too much pleasure in that. It would encourage him, knowing he’s succeeding at hurting me.
My indifference pisses him off. Making him feel irrelevant, and like the least biggest threat in my life, goes a long way to prove to him he’s not as important as he thinks he is. At least, not to me.
If he saw for even a second how much his words hurt me? How much his hate feels like a knife in my gut? How his pushing me felt like it tore something loose, and I wanted to sob? Not because it physically hurt, but because my brother had once been my closest friend outside of Lie.
I don’t want to see that satisfaction on his face. I don’t want him to see the truth that how much he hates everything about me literally tears me apart.
So I turned and left. I didn’t run down the road like I wanted to. I didn’t let my tears fall. I kept my hands clenched at my sides and breathed deeply through my open mouth until the feeling passed as I headed for the docks.
“Are you okay?” Lie asks, his voice quiet. As if he heard all my thoughts.
“Yep,” I answer and roll so I’m on my stomach. Bringing my arms under my head, I use them as a pillow and close my eyes. “I want this part of my life over. Either I need somewhere else to go, or he needs to actually leave. I think we both know which of those scenarios is more likely to happen.”
Lie snorts in amusement. “He has no talent.”
“Not true. He is actually a great guitarist. It’s everything else about him that will prevent him from being a successful musician.”
“Generous of you to extend him that much kindness.”
“It’s not kindness, Lie, it’s fact. I don’t have to be a fan to admit that he has talent.”
He huffs. “Fine. But you’re right. So where are you going to move?”
“Into a tent on the beach,” I mutter. “That’s my only option, isn’t it?
” I think absently about the shed turned tiny house idea, but I don’t mention it.
It wouldn’t accomplish a lot, in reality.
Yes, I’d be out of the house, but I’d still be in the backyard.
It’s a matter of feet between us that changes. The proximity remains the same.
“I wish the new islands would hurry up and get built,” Lie says with a heavy sigh.
“Logically, I understand that it’s going to take time.
I do. Not just to raise the money but also to build a fucking island, right?
Not to mention the infrastructure on it.
But that means that our entire generation who want to stay on Kala are stuck in our parents’ house for, like, a decade longer.
I’m going to be thirty before I even get the option to have my own place! ”
God, the way that makes my gut twist. “I can’t live with Ben that long,” I lament.
“You won’t. I understand why you hesitate to come here, but here will always be better than there because Ben isn’t here, Cash. My mom can be a bit of a jerk, but she’s nothing to the extreme that Ben is.”
“I know. You’re right.”
“We wouldn’t even have to share a room. My parents have witnessed your brother’s treatment of you a lot. They’ve mentioned more than once that you’re welcome here. They’d be happy to give you the guest room.”
Not going to lie. The temptation is strong right now. If someone had asked me last week if I thought Ben would ever hit me or whatever, I’d have rolled my eyes. I’m not confident that Onyx putting him in his place will actually keep him there.
Like it or not, Onyx enables his behavior because he’s always by Ben’s side. Yes, he tells my brother to shut up, and yes, he turned the physical threat back onto my brother, but he’s still with Ben every day.
No consequences.
“Anyway. Let’s talk about something else. You still not hating working at the bar?” I ask.
“My favorite parts of work nights are back-room head and Laiken’s possessive animal growls in response to guys giving me their room numbers. The job itself? Meh.”
I laugh. “You can be my shipmate. We can have our own tour company.”
“It might be cool for a while.”
“You’d still be dealing with the public.”
“Eh,” Lie says, and I can practically hear him shrug. “I truly don’t care about that. I like people. I love attention. I thrive on compliments. But inevitably, someone looks at me in a service position and determines that I deserve less respect than their goldfish. That’s when I lose my shit.”
“You haven’t quit yet.”
“Interestingly, bar patrons are far more respectful than literally any other job I’ve had on Kala where I have to deal with the public.”
“Well, they’re there for a good time. Not to be served.”
“Ohhhh!” Lie says, and I know I’m about to get some tea. “Did you know that there’s a BDSM community on Kala?”
I open my eyes. “Is there? You mean, like St. Andrew’s Crosses and… floggers?”
Lie laughs. “Oh, my sweet summer child.”
“Fuck you, Elijah.”
His laughter gets louder. “So, this guy came into the bar with a collar on. Not actually all that unusual, but he was also wearing a headband with dog ears. His collar had a tag and was attached to a leash in another man’s hand.
He sat at the bar with the guy who had his leash and was licking at his drink. Naturally, I had a hundred questions.”
“Of course you did.”
“Yes, well. Gaven—the guy with the ears and collar—is a furry! Damien—the other guy—is his handler. Apparently, they were just leaving a scene with others—I forget what he called it other than a scene. Sorry for skimping on the details. But anyway, they said that Gaven wasn’t ready to go home yet because he wanted to go on a walk.
Cash, he licked water from his cup like a dog. It was so damn cute!”
“Huh. I didn’t know… that’s kind of cool.”
“Yep. Damien said there are quite a few people on Kala who are part of the community. Some are full lifestyle, and some just participate in parties or scenes or whatever when they’re in the mood or propositioned or something. Clearly, I’m very educated in this. I talked to him for like an hour.”
“Wow. Does that mean there’s, like, a kink club on Kala?”
“I don’t know!” he exclaims. “I kind of want to know, though. Don’t you?”
I can just imagine Lie in a kink club. Not that I know what a kink club might look like on the inside. Hell, or the outside. Can I see myself in one? Yeah, no. I’d probably melt into the floor.
“Sure,” I answer because I think it’ll be a while before he actually decides to explore this new curiosity. Besides, he has Laiken now. If he’s going to go to a kink club, it would make far more sense that he goes with Laiken than me. I’m not sure I have any kinky bones in my body.
Or is it kinky interest?
“You’re not curious,” Lie says, amused.
“I mean. You can tell me what you learn. I’m that curious. I’m not sure I’m curious enough that I want to go to a club or a party or whatever.”
He sighs. “How are we so different?”
“I’m sorry I’m too vanilla for you. It would never have worked out.”
Lie cackles again. “Oh, Cashy. I think I’d have corrupted you by now. Trust me, our tastes in sex are not the reason we wouldn’t work out.”
“No?”
“No. We’re far too alike. I don’t think either of us is, well… like Laiken. You and I need someone like Laiken. Because we’re the same kind of needy twink.”
I laugh and close my eyes again. I almost tell him I called Onyx Daddy the first time he touched my dick. The word just popped out all willy-nilly. Never in my entire life has that even been a thing, so… I don’t know where it came from.
I don’t, though. I don’t tell Lie much about Onyx and me.
Not right now, anyway. Not when it suddenly feels so…
fragile. I always knew that whatever was happening between us was temporary.
Benson’s constant dark shadow would assure that.
One of us was going to get tired of sneaking around or pretending that Benson isn’t a problem or… just… move on.
Maybe I didn’t think it would happen so soon.
Maybe I let myself hope that it was going to get better.
Maybe I thought that Ben would grow the fuck up or move away like he always says he’s going to.
Maybe I thought that Onyx would finally tell him off, or to get over himself, or something that would make my brother stop being such a fucking douchebag.
Maybe I thought my parents would have had enough to kick him out. Give him an ultimatum to be a good human being or find another place to live.
Worse, maybe I hoped in my secretest heart that Onyx would choose me. I’m pretty sure that’s not the choice he’s making right now.