Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
ONYX
September
Two days ago, I realized that most of the island doesn’t know about Cash and me. When Mr. Simms, who lives in the house beside Cash’s, told me how he admired and respected that I’m protecting Cash from Benson now, it became really clear.
My mom was wrong. The island sees me as some kind of protector. Not his secret boyfriend.
I suppose it’s not wrong. I am protecting Cash from Benson.
I’ve arranged my schedule to match his, assuring that I can walk him to and from work.
Yes, it’s primarily because I want to spend every single second of every damn day with this man, but it’s also to make sure Benson doesn’t come near him.
The secret boyfriend thing? I’m glad that we have the unspoken agreement that I’m his boyfriend.
No, we haven’t had a conversation. Is it truly necessary?
We’re together. We agree on that. We make abstract plans for a future together all the time.
Like, one day we should do this, and someday we should go there.
I guess we haven’t felt the need for a conversation. Not really.
The only time it bothers me is when it’s clear that few people see our time together for what it truly is. Probably because we don’t show any PDA at all, which is unusual in the world these days.
It’s another unspoken agreement between us. PDA is an announcement of our status, and we agree that we’re enjoying the peace from Benson. We’re not on anyone’s radar, and that’s nice. We’re not the topic of gossip. Those who do suspect aren’t whispering their hunch all over the place.
On the one hand, I’m a little offended that they don’t feel we’re worthy of their gossip. On the other hand, I’m grateful. Double-edged sword, I suppose.
I wander down the road toward the ferry terminal as I wonder whether Cash and I need some kind of conversation. I’m not even sure why I’m doubting us right now. I’m a little horrified at myself for all this doubt inside me. I had no idea I had insecurities like this.
Laiken sits beside me as the ferry moves away from the dock. He smirks when I look at him, clearly having not noticed he was waiting for the ferry too.
“Hey.”
“Deep in thought?” he asks.
I nod, glancing around to see who’s close. “Did you have a conversation about being together?”
Laiken tilts his head sideways. “You mean, ‘want to be my boyfriend?’ kind of conversation?”
“Yeah.”
He thinks about it for a few seconds. “I suppose, not in so many words at first. He didn’t appreciate my cockblocking him at the bar, so he gave me the ultimatum to be with him or stop getting in his way. Probably not what you’re referring to, though.”
Laughing, I shake my head. “Not exactly, no.”
“More recently, after Nason lost his mind, we made it more clear that we wanted to be together. We agreed it wasn’t a passing thing for either of us, even if maybe that’s what we intended when it began.
But I’m not sure we’ve had a true conversation about future intentions and where we want to go or whatever. ”
“Do you feel like you need one?”
He shakes his head. “No. I think that the way things happened, we’d already made that choice without a conversation, didn’t we?
Maybe the right decision should have been respect for Nason on both of our parts and not gone there.
Maybe under different circumstances, we might have done so.
But Nason’s… behavior made our choice for us in that regard, and at that point, I suppose we have nothing left to lose, so why throw it away? ”
I hum and nod absently.
“That didn’t really answer your question, did it?”
“I don’t know,” I answer. “I feel really stupid admitting this, but I only have insecurities when we’re not together. Once we’re together again, I’m sure that we’re on the same page. Seriously, I’m dumbfounded that I have these insecurities at all. I’m a little mortified with myself.”
Laiken laughs. “There’s nothing wrong with insecurities, Onyx. The most toxic men are only hateful in an attempt to hide their insecurities. They’re not fooling anyone.”
While I realize we’re talking about our relationships, his words make me think about Benson. Laiken isn’t wrong. “So what is the insecurity he’s hidden so venomously?” I muse.
“Are you asking about Nason or Benson?”
“I was referring to Benson, but yeah, Nason too. You’re right. That kind of spewed hatred is absolutely an attempt to hide their vulnerability. Usually something really specific, right? So, what is it?”
Laiken shakes his head. “Trust me, I’ve asked myself this many times over the last couple months.
In my opinion, when hatred is narrowly focused on one thing—like Nason’s case—it’s a reflection of something they’re uncomfortable with in themselves.
But then I think about the things he’s constantly saying, words I know he’s repeating that aren’t his own: grooming Lie, preying on his child, quid pro quo at work.
” Laiken waves his hand in an etcetera motion.
“And I try to figure out how that works with him. Is he a victim of this, and I didn’t know?
Worse, has he done this, and I didn’t know? ”
“Oof.”
Laiken nods. “I don’t believe it’s either of those. Or maybe I can’t bring myself to believe it. I know neither of those things is true in concern with him and Lie. Which makes me turn the questioning around—why is he determined to hurt Lie? What is he projecting in this situation toward Lie?”
“Why is Ben so focused on Cash as the target for his anger in response to his abrupt change?” I muse. “Wow, that question is huge.”
“Right? Really challenges whether you actually knew him as well as you thought you did.”
“The thing is, I’ve replayed that day over and over in my head so many times, I can practically see it come to life around me.
I remember the exact day he went home and verbally attacked his brother.
I’d spent the night before, which means we were together all day.
I can’t identify a single thing that revolved around or involved Cash at all.
I’ve repeated all the details of that day to two different counselors at school for some insight.
When I tell you that Benson wasn’t out of my sight at all that morning, I mean it.
We even pissed in the toilet together that morning, Laiken. ”
He laughs and shakes his head at the same time. Then he tilts his head. “Did you—you specifically—mention Cash at all that day? Before you went back to their house?”
I close my eyes and let the day play through in my head. Then laugh. “Fuck, I don’t know.” Maybe I don’t remember it as clearly as I once did. I’ve since dismissed the day itself as being significant.
“I’m wondering if maybe you said something offhand, maybe something you’ve said a hundred times before in relation to Cash, and it hit differently this time. Maybe Benson was always afraid of losing you to his little brother.”
“I mean… I suppose that’s possible, but why the sudden homophobia? It might have started toward Cash, but it’s very obviously spread toward everyone when we’re playing at the bar.”
Laiken shrugs. “I don’t know. I’ve never understood homophobia.
You have the argument that god says it’s a sin, but that only proves that those idiots have never read their precious Bible or been educated in the fact that the word only appeared in the Bible for the first time in 1949—which means their god isn’t homophobic it was clearly human error or human intention intent on pushing their own opinion—shocking that it’s a possibility, right?
Or you have the hypocrisy of I don’t want them hitting on me because it makes me uncomfortable, as if they don’t do that to women every day.
Why spend so much time focused on something that supposedly doesn’t affect you?
So that person down the road with the rainbow flag in their yard is gay.
And? The only reason to put so much fucking attention on something is that it does affect you, which means there’s a whole lot of internalized homophobia in the world, and it challenges everything they believe about masculinity and sexuality, or their fragile belief system that it becomes everyone else’s problem. ”
I stare at Laiken for a minute as the ferry pulls into the dock. “Wow.”
He snorts. “Sorry. I grew up in a homophobic environment. Not, like, poisonously homophobic, as if that’s a thing, but it was loud enough that I was never comfortable being myself. So yes, I’ve formed a lot of opinions around it.”
We walk off the ferry onto Anapos together and inland. “You think that’s the problem with Benson?”
Laiken raises one shoulder. “I do think that such a narrowed focus of hate is a reflection of that person’s own insecurities—maybe they’re attracted to a man and can’t handle that.
Maybe they’re attracted to a trans woman and can’t handle that.
Maybe they were rejected by a man and don’t deal well with rejection.
I don’t know Benson as well as you and Cash.
I think if there’s an answer to find, it’ll be you two who figure it out. ”
I nod absently. Laiken grips my shoulder briefly before our paths split, and I head for the tour boat docks, and he toward… where is he going? The Big Office, maybe.
I think about our conversation as I wait for Cash’s last tour to end. He appears at my side with a big smile, and my heart flips around in my chest as if it’s doing acrobatics. “Good day?”
Cash nods. “Yep. You?”
“Normal,” I answer as I study his face. He’s not smiling anymore. “What’s wrong?”
He sighs as we fall into step together. “I love the tours. I wish I could change the routes, though.”
“Someday you can.”
“You think so?”
“I do.”
We talk about his dream of having his own tour business one day. He tells me about his conversations with Lie about saving money and using the time to get all the details together. He’s so animated, and I’m completely hypnotized by his passion.
Before heading home, I steer us in the opposite direction so we can stop for an ice cream cone. We sit for quite some time and chat about what he’d do with a tour business of his own. I could listen to him talk all day. For hours and hours, and never get bored.
“I’m kind of afraid to venture it alone,” Cash admits as we eventually sit on the ferry toward home. “Besides, I can’t drive a boat.”
“You can learn. I’ll teach you.”
He looks at me with a beautiful smile. “Yeah?”
“Of course. I’d love to teach you. We can use my family’s boat.”
“I didn’t even know you had a boat until you casually dropped that nugget the day we took Lie and Laiken on a private tour.” He narrows his eyes at me.
“I kind of forget about it. Between my grandparents no longer coming to the island and Dad dying, it was a place that we all shared together. We spent a ton of time on the boat as a family. It feels a little too big to be there now.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
I shake my head and knock my knee with his. “No biggie. I never put into words why I don’t take it out anymore. Probably never wanted to think about it.”
Once we’re off the ferry with our phones in hand and fewer people around, I ask, “So… we’re together. Yeah?”
Cash looks at me with his brows furrowed. “I thought we were.”
“I’ve realized that I have some insecurities when you’re not around, and I’ve tried to work through them on my own because it’s a me thing. But I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I just need to talk about it with you.”
“Why haven’t you?”
“Like I said. It’s a me thing. When we’re together, I have no doubts at all, but the hours we’re not together? I get all strangely anxious that maybe… you’ll find someone else.”
He sighs. “I want to be with you.” We stop in his garage, and he faces me. We’re not exactly hidden from prying eyes, but no one is likely to notice that we’re here. “I’ve always wanted to be with you.”
I press my forehead to his. “Me too.”
“You need me to promise you something? Tell me what you want me to say, Onyx. What do you need to feel more assured about us? I’m here. I’m yours. I’m never going anywhere. I swear.”
I’m not sure what I need, but his words do a lot of things inside me. With my fingers on his chin, much like the first time I kissed him, I press my mouth to his, and Cash sighs into me.
“What the fuck!”
Benson’s voice has us jumping. Cash jerks away, spinning toward his brother with wide eyes.
Honestly, I’m not at all sure what I’m expecting to happen right now, which is why I freeze right there. The fury in Benson’s face has me enraptured, frozen in time. It feels like time stands still, gripping me tightly to the spot so I don’t respond when Benson comes flying across the garage.
He hits Cash in the face. Not once. Not twice. Three times before I’m able to snap myself out of it.
I’ve never understood Benson’s anger. But the rage that consumes me takes over my limbs entirely.
I rip him from Cash and throw him with far more strength than I think I possess in my body.
He slams against the wall and trips over the remnants of my drum set.
Then I’m on him, beating the fuck out of him as words spill out of my mouth.
I’m not sure what I’m saying, but I know I’m talking. Screaming.
Hands pull me off Benson. I barely see him. He’s a bloodied mess, lying crumpled on the garage floor.
Shaking the hands off me, I spin around.
It’s not Cash. It’s Leon and Troy. “This is your fault!” I shout.
“If you’d have taken his fucking attacks on Cash seriously, this wouldn’t have happened.
Yet, you let him back into your fucking house.
You enabled this. Everything about this situation is your fucking fault! ” I scream and gesture toward Cash.
But he’s not there. I look around somewhat frantically. Where did he go?
Troy and Leon are saying something, but I don’t hear them as blood rushes in my ears. “Cash?” I call as I step out of the garage. I’m not surprised to find him running down the road toward Lie.
I follow, calling his name. “Cash!”
Maybe he doesn’t hear me. There are people gathering outside as I chase Cash down the road. “Cash, wait!”
Laiken’s front door opens, and Cash disappears inside. Laiken appears in the doorway and meets my eyes. When did he even get home? We were just on the ferry together…
I’m startled when he slams the door closed. Uh… My footfalls slow as I stare at the closed door. But only for a minute. Then I’m there and slamming my fist, calling Cash’s name.