Chapter Thirty-Nine
Tammy almost dropped the fused glass sculpture she was wrapping for a customer.
The last thing she’d expected was for Ruan to walk into the gallery in the middle of a working Monday.
She’d batted away the two messages he’d sent her since their row last week, saying she needed more time.
They’d been polite and restrained – reminding her of the contrast between Ruan and Sean – yet she still hadn’t felt able to meet him face to face.
Even though she now understood why he’d delayed telling her about the house for a couple of extra days, Davey’s diagnosis had taken up all her energy.
She felt overwhelmed by her concerns for him and what the future might hold – while the tentacles of the past were trying to drag her back to painful times she’d tried to escape.
She caught his eye and somehow kept up her sales patter, taking the payment and saying a cheery goodbye. Meanwhile Ruan pretended to browse the paintings. Even from behind, Tammy could tell his shoulders were stiff with tension.
As soon as they were alone, he approached the desk. ‘I didn’t want to disturb you, but I’ve found something and I think you should see it. I visited the nursing home where Walter spent his final years and they gave me a box of letters and notes.’
‘Oh?’
‘Can we go somewhere quiet?’ he asked. ‘Is Davey in?’
‘No but I can close for lunch in ten minutes and meet you in the flat. Do you want to go up? Why do I need to see these letters?’ she added, unable to wait.
‘There’s a note from your dad to Walter. I think you should have it,’ he said solemnly.
The tiny hairs on her arms stood on end. ‘I’m closing now,’ she said and turned the sign on the door. ‘Go up.’
A minute later, she walked in on Ruan as he was staring out of the window at the harbour.
‘What’s in this note?’ she asked, dreading yet wanting to see it.
Ruan unzipped his document wallet and removed a small sheet of notepaper. Tammy recognised it. Her dad used to buy the cheap notebooks from a pound shop in Penzance.
‘I’m sorry,’ Ruan said, putting it into her hands.
It might have been half a minute; it might have been much longer. Tammy couldn’t tell. All she could see were the vicious words in that note: the threats, the warnings and angry accusations.
She sat down heavily on the sofa and forced herself to look at it again.
Walter
I’m WARNING you.
You got what you wanted: our home. You finally forced us out of Rosewarne and now you can revel in it. I hope you rot there.
I’ll take my share of the blame for losing it. I let you lead me into temptation and it’s too late to go back now but I WON’T let your poisonous lies about Debbie and Davey ruin everything else.
I will never believe what you said. Never about her or him or my daughter’s parentage.
Neil
PS Stay away from all of us or you’ll be SORRY.
‘Are you OK?’ Ruan sat by her side, his hand on her arm. ‘It’s a shock but I’m sure it’s all lies. I am so sorry but I had to show it to you.’
Tammy put the note on the coffee table. Her fingers were trembling, as if Walter’s poison had seeped into her veins and paralysed her. Her mind made leap after leap, realising the implication of the letter yet desperate not to believe the bombshell it contained.
‘How – how long have you had this?’ she murmured.
‘Only a day. I didn’t know what to do with it – or the other letters I found, but I knew I needed to give it to you. Walter was a piece of work. Whatever he’d said to your dad, I’m sure it was a load of malicious lies calculated to hurt him as much as possible.’
‘You don’t know it was lies!’ she blurted out, feeling sick.
‘No. No, I don’t.’
‘I’m sorry. I – I don’t mean to be angry with you. It’s just – it’s such a shock. I’m grateful you brought it over so soon.’
He didn’t smile but nodded. ‘I’m sorry it’s so upsetting but I had to show you.’
She nodded and took a breath before saying, ‘I guess you’re thinking the same as me about what it implies?’
Ruan sat down opposite, glancing at his hands before finally meeting her eyes.
‘I don’t know what to think and it’s pointless speculating because Walter was a bitter and twisted man, tainted by the past.’ He leaned forward and continued softly: ‘One of the other letters was from Walter’s girlfriend, Kathleen, telling him she was leaving him because he couldn’t or wouldn’t show her the love and affection she needed. ’
‘That makes sense at least!’ Tammy burst out. ‘As for this one from my dad to Walter … I think …’ She forced herself to give voice to her darkest fears. ‘… that Walter had been implying my mum and Davey had an affair.’
‘Whatever Walter said, we don’t know for sure when this all happened,’ Ruan countered, sounding like the lawyer he was. ‘And everything he did say or write to your father could all be – probably is – a complete pack of lies.’
Even though she was sitting down, Tammy felt as if the ground was falling away beneath her; she had a strange sense of being detached from her body.
‘Even if Walter was being malicious, if Dad even suspected Davey and Mum had been having an affair before they split up, it would explain why he was so unhappy. He might even have been told this just before he died. It could have tipped him over the edge.’
Ruan touched her arm briefly. ‘Please don’t take this as proof that Davey and your mum had an affair.’
‘But it might be true. There’s no smoke without fire, is there?
’ She covered her mouth with her hand, as if she didn’t want to voice the thought in her head.
‘I might be Davey’s daughter. Dad might not be my birth father and I’ve never known.
It could be why Davey has always acted like a father to me. ’
‘If that’s true, Davey and your mum would have had to be – close – over thirty-two years ago.’
‘It’s possible. What if Walter found out years later or kept their affair to himself? What if he found out I was Davey’s? What if Mum or Davey told him and he decided to use it to hurt Dad?’
‘That’s a lot of what-ifs … and why would Walter wait so long to reveal it, long after you and your father had left Rosewarne and made a new life?’
‘That’s a good point, but I have to know for sure or it will eat me up forever.
But I can’t ask Davey. How can I? He has enough to cope with now he’s decided to have the radiotherapy and hormone treatment.
Even if he was completely well, I have no idea how I’d ask such a question.
’ She felt light-headed and sick but didn’t want Ruan to know.
‘I – I need some time to process this. Do you mind giving me some space?’
‘Of course.’ He didn’t look great himself. ‘If you need me, you only have to pick up the phone. I’ll leave you alone.’
‘Thanks.’ Even though she’d asked him to go, Tammy thought that phrase was one of the bleakest she’d heard.
Tammy wasn’t sure how long she stood in the kitchen, statue-like, after Ruan had left, relentless questions hammering at her brain. Her father might not be her real father. But what did real father mean? Did Davey know that he was her dad? Did he suspect? If so, why had he kept it from her?
She clutched the table for support and felt a roaring in her ears.
At the same time, a pain stabbed inside her temple like hot knives.
Oh God, she was going to be sick too … She tried to take a step towards the bathroom but didn’t dare.
She couldn’t see properly for the coloured shapes arced across her vision.
‘Whoa! Tammy! Careful, lovely. Let’s sit you down.’
Lola’s voice beside her. Lola’s face, distorted into prismatic shapes. Lola guiding her to the sofa and gently lowering her to the seat. Even the few steps made the pain pulse unbearably.
‘Can you tell me what’s wrong?’ Lola asked, kneeling at her feet.
‘I’ve g-got a t-terrible headache and I feel sick.’
‘Oh no. Have you fallen and hit your head?’ Lola asked.
‘No. It just came on a couple of minutes ago. It s-struck out of the blue. I might throw up and I keep seeing these weird coloured lights.’
‘And nothing brought it on? No bump on the head? You didn’t take anything?’
‘No!’ She rubbed her forehead. ‘Ow. It just … happened.’ There was no way Tammy was in a fit state to tell her friend about the news she’d just heard. ‘I think you better move. I might throw up.’
‘I’ll find a bucket,’ Lola said. ‘And it sounds exactly like a migraine. They’re an absolute bitch. Wait there. I have some tablets in my bag and I’ll get you a glass of water.’
Tammy rested her head against the back of the sofa until the wave of nausea eased, though the pain was still horrible and if she opened her eyes, the aura still affected her vision.
Lola was back with a large glass and a packet of pills.
‘I don’t often get migraines this bad …’ Tammy said.
‘You’ve been under a lot of stress and that doesn’t help. Here, take these. They’re specially for migraine.’
Tammy eased open her eyes just enough to see the pill and glass. It hurt to swallow but she’d also have done anything to feel better.
‘Good,’ Lola murmured. ‘And now, you need to go straight to bed to sleep it off.’
‘I can’t. I have an installation to sketch out and I was supposed to work in the gallery this afternoon …’ Even as she said the words, Tammy felt a stab of anger at her father’s note to walter, which made her temples throb even harder.
‘I’ll tell Davey you can’t. You’re not well. You need rest.’
‘No, please don’t tell him I’m ill. He’ll make a drama out of it.’
‘You’re in no fit state to work,’ Lola said, hands on hips.
‘I’ll send him a message. I don’t want him coming up here and making a fuss.’ Or coming upstairs and making things worse, Tammy thought in horror. That was the last thing she needed right now.
Lola frowned. ‘If you’re sure?’
‘I am,’ Tammy murmured weakly.
‘OK. Shall we get you to bed?’
Tammy felt like a toddler with a nanny, but she felt so weak and grotty, she didn’t care. She rose gingerly to her feet with Lola fussing at her elbow like a mother hen. ‘Yeah. I’d better do. Thanks for the pills.’
‘They’re not a magic potion but they should relieve the pain and sicky feeling enough for you to get some sleep.’
‘Thanks.’
She was never more grateful that her flat was so tiny.
‘What about Ruan?’ Lola asked when they reached her bedroom. ‘Shall I tell him you’re not feeling well?’
‘No. Ow,’ Tammy said as she slid on to the bed.
‘Slowly. Carefully.’ Lola stood over her with a stern expression on her face and pulled the throw over Tammy.
‘Thanks, Lola.’
‘No problem. I’ve come into town to see my nan for her birthday, but popped round to ask if you wanted to go to the Christmas festival at the Eden Project. I’m guessing a gig is the last thing you want to think about now, so we’ll talk about it another time.’
‘Urghh. Thanks, but …’ Tammy muttered from the bed. ‘You’ve been amazing.’ She tried to smile but gave it up after a mere twitch of the lips.
‘OK, but I will call back after I’ve seen my nan,’ Lola said sternly. ‘In the meantime, if you feel any worse or you’re worried, call me straight away – or Davey. I’ll get your phone.’
Lola was back in a moment and put the mobile on the bedside cabinet.
‘Thanks. For everything,’ Tammy managed.
‘You’re very welcome. When you feel better, we’ll have a proper catch-up. You need to take better care of yourself, lovely.’
‘I will. Can you make sure the door is closed properly on your way out? It must have been left open or you wouldn’t have been able to get in.’ She didn’t want anyone disturbing her.
‘I will.’ She blew a kiss and Tammy heard the door close with a soft click.
After sending Davey a message to tell him she had a migraine but just needed to sleep it off, she lay back and waited for the pain and nausea to ease. Despite feeling so horrible, she was certain she’d be unable to rest after the news she’d just received. It was impossible.
Now the seed of doubt had been sown, she found it hard to look on Davey as anything but her birth father and that would mean he’d lied to her for her whole life. Why had he done it?
If Walter’s allegations were true, he must have got the idea for them from somewhere.
So now she was left wondering who her father really was – and if the foundations of her life had been built on a lie.
Lola’s pills must have been stronger than Tammy expected, because sleep overtook her and the next thing she knew, her phone was buzzing with a message from Lola.
Pushing herself up on the pillows, she felt fragile and thirsty but mercifully pain free – and also determined to find out the truth about her mother, father and Davey.
Even if that meant facing up to her mother and confronting Davey at a time in his life when he didn’t need any more complications, she had to find out the truth.