Chapter 17
MADDIE
‘And that’s the plot twist here, Mum. Remember when I was a little girl and I used to say that I didn’t want babies because I was going to be an astronaut?
Or the time you asked if I wanted a doll and pram for my birthday and I said babies were annoying and begged for a pedal car instead? Well, here we are.’
Maddie glanced around and wondered how many of the four or five people she could see scattered around Weirbridge cemetery were, like her, having silent conversations with their loved ones in the graves in front of them.
‘I wish you were here, Mum. You’d be loving this. I mean, you’d have rolled your eyes a lot and told me that I should have been smarter, and you’re not wrong, but then I’m fairly sure that you’d have been straight up to Marks and Spencer for baby blankets and sleepsuits.’
She waited a few moments for the heavens to transfer that message to her mum.
‘And yes, I already know that my planning in this situation hasn’t been great, given that I don’t have a home, your old Skoda is on its last legs, I spent the last of my savings on your funeral and I’m renting the chair in Jessie’s salon as a self-employed stylist so there’s no maternity benefits or paid leave… ’
Another pause to account for any potential delay, and a deep breath to calm the increase in heart rate that last statement had just given her.
‘And the father of my child is nothing more than a friend. Oh, and I haven’t told him about the baby yet, because he’s off thousands of miles away chasing a dream of being a country singer.
You’re rolling your eyes again, but I’m about to change all that by telling you – just in case you don’t have some kind of cosmic CCTV keeping an eye on things down here – that the dad is Dylan.
Yup, your favourite of all my friends, and yes, I know that you were telling me for years that him and I should be a thing, but I may have just proved the reason that wasn’t a good idea because I spent one night with him and now I’m knocked up. See how that worked out for me?’
Before her mum could answer, Maddie heard the clip-clop of Val’s mules coming along the path towards her, then instinctively smiled when Val sat down on the bench next to her. ‘Right, pet, that’s me done. I’ve brought my Don and Dee up to date with all the latest.’
It had been Val’s idea to come to the cemetery that morning.
They’d been chatting about their day over breakfast, sharing a big pot of tea, and a plate of toast and jam, when Val had told her how she visited the village cemetery every couple of weeks, or sometimes more if she felt the need.
Her late husband, Don, who’d died after a long battle with Alzheimer’s disease, and her daughter, Dee, who’d been killed years before in a car accident after being hit by a drugged-up driver, were both buried here, side by side.
‘I just like to go and check in with them both,’ she’d said.
‘Reminds me how lucky I am to still be here, enjoying this life.’
Maddie had felt a tug in her heart at the thought of that. ‘Doesn’t it make you really sad, though?’
Val had shrugged. ‘Sometimes, but, you know, it gives me time to pause and think. It’s like meditation, for folks like me that can’t sit still and are shite at yoga.’
‘I’d never been in a cemetery before the day of mum’s funeral. My dad was cremated, and his ashes were scattered on Loch Lomond, because it was his favourite place, so Mum would take us there to remember him. I was surprised when Mum said she wanted to be buried here, to be honest.’
‘Maybe she found comfort in the thought that you’d know where she was if you needed her,’ Val said gently.
Maddie had thought about that. It was her day off from the salon and she had nothing else planned, except maybe a trip into town to pick up some maternity clothes, because no amount of stretch in her trousers could cope with the pressure the waistbands were under now.
She’d started by opening a button on her various jeans and trousers, and using an elastic band to bridge the gap.
Then, a month or so later, the zips had come down too, and her modesty was only saved by long baggy tops.
Permanent residence in leggings and semi-smart stretchy athleisure trousers had followed.
But now even those were beginning to rub, so it was time for an investment in a couple of pairs of maternity trousers and one or two new bras to accommodate the expansion on her top half too.
Nothing extravagant, though. She’d been working extra hours at the salon, saving every penny she could so that she had a small nest egg for everything she’d need for the baby and for the deposit on another flat rental.
It was one thing imposing on Val when she was pregnant, but she couldn’t possibly inflict a baby and all that came with it on Val too.
‘Maybe I’ll come along with you,’ Maddie had said, as Val spread a thick layer of strawberry jam on her wedge of toast. ‘I haven’t been back there since the funeral. I don’t know why. Just couldn’t face it, I suppose.’
‘You never know, pet. Maybe it’ll bring you a bit of comfort.
It always does, for me. Nancy from Next Door is always going on about how she meets some lovely people while she’s up there visiting her Peter.
That’s how she met Netta.’ And off Val had gone, telling her a story about the first meeting between Nancy and Netta, a sweet lady who was one of their regular customers at the salon.
By the end of the conversation, Maddie’s mind was made up and now she was here.
There was no headstone at the grave yet.
The funeral director had advised her that she had to wait for six to twelve months to let the ground settle before the stone to commemorate the life of Rosina McShay was put in place.
‘Well, what does your mum think of all your news then?’ Val asked her, with a kind smile and a teasing nudge to her shoulder.
Maddie went along with it. ‘She was shocked at first, but she’s getting used to the idea. The fact that it was Dylan has made her feel so much better about the situation, though. She always had a soft spot for him. I remember her being so disappointed when he married Rachel.’
Dylan and Rachel had met straight after school, so it hadn’t been a huge surprise when they’d married, although the fact that they were only twenty had raised a few eyebrows.
Her own included. They’d been together for four years at that point and Dylan had told her only a few months ago that Rachel had been obsessed with the big day.
She’d wanted the wedding. The dress. The moment.
‘And I was just young, daft and in love, so I went along with it,’ he’d admitted, over a cold beer in the garden one night.
Maddie vaguely remembered getting an invitation to the wedding, but declining because she was going to be in Ibiza with all her Edinburgh girlfriends that weekend.
Ironic that she barely kept in touch with any of them now, and yet Dylan was the one who was back in her life.
‘And Mum also says to thank you for letting me stay with you and for taking care of me.’
Val shrugged that off. ‘Your mum would have done exactly the same for my Dee or for any of the other lassies in our group. And anyway, I’m fair enjoying having you in the house.
Gets way too quiet when it’s just me and I was never great with silence.
My Don has been here for years and I’m still chatting his ears off. ’
‘I love you for that, Val. But promise me that if you need your space back, you’ll tell me.
I don’t want to outstay my welcome.’ She had her fingers crossed the whole time she was saying that because the thought of leaving Val’s home filled her with dread.
She was going to have to do it at some point, though, and that time was getting closer with every passing day.
‘And just in case you’re worrying about it, I’ll definitely have found somewhere else before the baby comes. I’ve disrupted your life enough.’
She tried to make that sound as casual as possible, even though it made her stomach churn. However, Val definitely didn’t have a casual response.
‘Maddie McShay…’ Oh dear. Something serious was coming when her full name was used.
‘I’ll have you know that none of this is a disruption, so don’t you be saying that.
Now, I don’t want to add any pressure to you either way, but let me tell you this – you are very welcome to stay in my home for as long as you like and your baby will be very welcome there too.
It’s been a long time since we had a bairn around and I’d treasure every minute of it.
If you feel that you’d like to find your own place before then, I completely understand and I’ll help you in any way I can, but please do not think you have to.
I already watch Buddy two days a week…’ Buddy was the son of another Weirbridge neighbour and Val and Nacy from Next Door provided what they called a ‘rent-a-granny’ service for him two days a week while his mum, Tress, worked.
‘…So it would be no problem at all to help out with your wee one too. I didn’t get a chance to do this with our Dee, so it’s a blessing for me to have a wee part in this now.
Although, I reserve the right to feed them ice cream and let them watch Toy Story all day long if my bunions are killing me or it’s too cold for the park. ’
Maddie had no idea what she’d ever done to deserve such kindness.
Then she had a realisation that it probably wasn’t something she’d done – it was far more likely to be down to the memory of Val’s daughter and to the friendship between Val and the lady Maddie had been speaking to for the last hour.
Two silent ‘thank you’s were sent heavenwards, just as she said one aloud to the woman sitting next to her.
‘No need to thank me at all,’ Val replied, and Maddie knew that she meant it.
They sat in silence for a solid five seconds, which might have been a record for Val. ‘I was thinking though, have you had any more thoughts on telling Dylan? He does have a right to know, love.’ There was a gentle rebuke in there.
‘I know you’re right. I just keep putting it off, because I know what he’ll do – he’ll quit his life there and come charging back.
If you could hear him on the phone, Val, he’s so excited about what’s happening for him over there.
I’m just so worried that he’ll give it all up because of me, and then live a life of wondering if he could have made it.
And maybe resenting me for taking that chance away from him. ’
‘Aye, it’s a tough one and I don’t have the answer, Maddie. To be honest, I can see both sides.’
‘It would be different if we were in a relationship. Or if we were madly in love. But we’re friends, Val. That’s it.’
‘And do you think if he hadn’t gone there, then it might have become something more?’
Maddie had asked herself that a hundred times over the last few months and the truth was, she had no idea. She hadn’t even thought for a moment that they’d end up sleeping together. Nor had she anticipated that she’d look forward to his phone calls so much.
‘I think I’ll never know. All I do know is that sometimes I’d love him to be here with me, making decisions about this wee one together.
I’m going for my next prenatal scan tomorrow and if I choose, I can find out the gender of the baby.
I can’t decide what to do. It’s when things like this come up that I reach for the phone to tell him, then I remember that call could cost him his dreams and change his whole life, so I bottle out and I hang up. ’
‘Well, I’ll be there to hold your hand tomorrow, and I promise I won’t sway you to decide either way on finding out what you’re having.
I had no idea with either of my two and they were both lovely surprises.
Although, Michael did come out feet first and I’m not sure I’ve been right ever since.
So tell me then, boy or girl? Do you have a preference? ’
Maddie closed her eyes, tried to visualise herself with a girl, and then with a boy, but she couldn’t conjure up either picture in her mind. Did that mean she should go ahead and find out what she was having? Would that make it clearer?
A silent request was sent up to her mum. Mum, tell me what you think… give me a sign. What should I do?
At that very instant her phone began to ring and she pulled it from her pocket.
Dylan.
Maybe her mum was getting those messages through after all.
And maybe she’d just sent her an answer.