Chapter 25
SHEENA
‘Maddie! I’m so sorry I’m late. My last client ran over. Long story. He went on a tantric sex retreat and now he wants to leave his wife and dedicate his life to the pursuit of tantric pleasure.’
‘I have no idea what you do, Sheena, but I want your job.’ Maddie laughed, and Sheena thought how gorgeous she was when she wasn’t being serious.
At antenatal classes, Sheena would often catch her frowning as she concentrated on the lesson, or the breathing, or the information on what to expect before, during and after the birth.
Sheena had assumed that perhaps her extra focus was because she was the only one of their little group who wasn’t there with the father of her baby, so perhaps she was worried about doing this alone.
Although, given that Maddie was always accompanied by the loveliest, chattiest lady, Sheena knew that she had some level of support.
Sheena took a seat opposite Maddie in the West End bistro they’d agreed on when they were planning to meet and popped her bag on the seat next to her.
This was one of her favourite places, but if she were being honest with herself, she’d have gone anywhere just to have a distraction from her never-ending dilemma.
She still hadn’t given Gregor an answer on whether she would move back into their home.
She’d been stalling since he’d suggested it, because she wanted to be sure of her decision.
But she wasn’t going to dwell on that right now.
Right now, she was going to concentrate on the gorgeous Christmas tree in the corner, the fairy lights that sparkled on the ceiling above them, Michael Bublé crooning on the sound system, and being heard over the two large tables behind them that were obviously some kind of office Christmas night out.
Thankfully, they were just being served their food so hopefully that would bring down their decibel level.
‘I’m a relationship counsellor,’ Sheena explained, grinning. ‘Sorry, I thought I’d told you that. I can see why my opening statement might have been a bit confusing.’
‘Actually, I remember now that you did. Sorry. Brain fog. And I wish I’d retained that information because I could definitely have done with your services over the last few months.
I’m a hairdresser, so if you ever want to trade some expert relationship advice for a cut and blow-dry, I’m definitely available. ’
That made Sheena laugh and her hand went to her mane of red hair. ‘Maybe you could colour the grey.’
‘Done!’ Maddie agreed, giggling. ‘Anyway, I’m glad you finally made it…’
Sheena felt slightly embarrassed that it had taken her this long to accept Orla and Maddie’s invitation to meet up.
‘…And I’m sorry that you’ve only got me.
Orla just phoned to say that she’s been called into work at short notice to cover for someone on sick leave, so she won’t make it.
She’s a nurse at Glasgow Central on the Elderly Ward, so she works all sorts of shifts.
But I didn’t want to let you down by cancelling, so here I am. ’
‘Well, I’m glad you still came and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to join you.
I think I felt a bit out of place, to be honest.’ Sheena had already decided that there was no point fudging the truth.
‘The whole pregnancy thing has been quite a shock. I never dreamt in a million years that I’d be expecting a baby at forty-four, so it’s taken a bit of getting used to.
I still can’t quite grasp what I see in the mirror, or the fact that I can’t look down and see my feet anymore. ’
She didn’t mention the non-physical changes – the anxiety, the excitement, the fear, or the not-so-insignificant fact that when she found out, she’d just left her husband. Honesty was one thing, but there was also stuff that sat in the category of too much information.
However, that was a concept that was blown out of the water over the next couple of hours, as the two women swapped pregnancy stories over non-alcoholic wine, large bowls of pasta and gorgeous garlic bread.
She might be young, but Maddie had the kind of demeanour that made her so easy to talk to.
‘It’s the hairdresser in me,’ she explained, when Sheena pointed that out.
‘You’re the professional counsellor, but we hairdressers just include listening to woes as part of our standard service.
Cut, colour, and tell us why your husband is pissing you off this week, how your adult children are ungrateful or why you’re going to Turkey for a boob job and a facelift. ’
Sheena raised her glass, and even though it wasn’t alcoholic, she felt a little giddy.
This was her first night out in over two weeks, because December was always a frantic month for her chums. This was the busiest time of the year for Chanel, who opened her shop late and seven days a week to cater for the Christmas and New Year party season.
And Martha was slammed with back-to-back nativity services, sports fixtures, Christmas shows and getting organised for her entire extended family to descend on their home for the festivities.
She’d been out a few times with Gregor, but she’d be lying if she said that they were easy, flirty nights, given that they mostly consisted of discussions about their relationship, discussions about their future, or discussions about the baby.
It was no surprise then that this easy, fun chat was a much-needed reprieve from the isolation of being an expectant, self-employed mum with missing pals and a living arrangement that she questioned every day.
The two large Christmas night out tables had just paid their bill and were making their way out, when Sheena and Maddie’s after-dinner decaf coffees arrived.
Maddie held up her mug. ‘Real coffee. That’s another thing I miss.
Add it to the list.’ They’d already put being able to touch their toes, energy, comfortable sleep, their old bras, wine, soft cheese, seafood, exercise (that one was only Maddie), trendy clothes, hipster jeans and dancing the night away in a club (again, only Maddie) to the list. The only thing they didn’t miss? Periods.
Maddie took a sip of her coffee, then yelped. ‘Ouch, that’s hot.’
Sheena reached for the still water on the table and put a little in both their cups.
‘Thank you.’ Maddie tried again, and she didn’t wince, so Sheena guessed that this time the experience was scald free.
She was about to delve a little more into Maddie’s birthing plan, when her dinner companion got in there first with a question.
‘Do people give you hypothetical scenarios all the time? Like, with us, people are always asking what style I think would suit them. And I’ve got a client who’s a lawyer, and she’s constantly asked for random legal advice.’
Sheena nodded her head. ‘All the time.’
‘And you don’t mind?’
Sheena considered saying that sometimes she did, but there had been a detectable change in Maddie’s energy when she’d asked the question, and Sheena wondered if this was her new friend’s way of asking for advice.
She wasn’t going to shut that down. ‘I don’t mind at all. Sometimes it’s really interesting.’
Hopefully that would be enough to encourage Maddie if she had something on her mind.
‘Okay, I have one for you then. Suppose you had a one-night stand with your best friend – who is a bloke, in case that’s not clear – the night before he goes off to take up an opportunity that he’s dreamt about his whole life.
It’s in another country, but it’s one that could give him everything he’s ever wanted.
And then you discover you are pregnant. And somehow, many months later, you still haven’t told him the truth because you don’t want to wreck his dreams. Would you tell him?
Or would you wait until you see him again because if it’s meant to be it’ll somehow work out? ’
Sheena, of course, caught the truth of that immediately. So that was Maddie’s story. The poor thing.
‘Oh that’s a tough one, Maddie. And sorry if I’m overstepping, but I’m guessing this is what’s happened to you?’
‘I knew it was too specific to be hypothetical, but I was just trying to give you all the information. Please don’t say anything though. I haven’t even told Orla the truth. I’ve just stuck to the story that I’m pregnant by an ex-boyfriend.’
Sheena asked her a load more questions and they talked through a few different ways it could play out, but there was only one obvious conclusion. ‘You’re going to have to tell him eventually, Maddie.’
That was received with a groan. ‘I know. I’m thinking Christmas Day, because he’s off work that day and we’re planning a call in the afternoon. Hey, happy Christmas, I don’t have your pressie yet, but it’s on the way. How do you feel about babies?’
At least she could still laugh about it.
‘Argh, you must think I’m so stupid and messed up.’
Sheena swirled her coffee around in her cup. ‘I don’t think you’re messed up at all. Actually, you are a bit messed up,’ she back-pedalled, laughing, ‘but so are we all.’
‘I refuse to believe it,’ Maddie argued playfully. ‘You and Gregor are like the picture-perfect couple. There’s no part of you that’s messed up. You’re just trying to play me for sympathy.’
Sheena enjoyed the teasing and welcomed the banter, but she also felt an irresistible urge to make Maddie see that nothing was picture perfect.
Or maybe that wasn’t it. Maybe she was just sick of pretending.
Fed up keeping the secret that she’d harboured from everyone but her closest friends for thirty years.
Perhaps she was just desperate to get some kind of release from the thoughts that had been revolving in her head day and night for months.
Yes, all of those things were true. So maybe that’s why she heard herself saying, ‘The last thing I deserve is sympathy. You see, I got pregnant on the last night I slept with Gregor before I left him. Something I’d wanted to do for years, because I’m no longer in love with him. ’
She watched as Maddie’s eyes widened, her surprise blocking any kind of response, which left the space for Sheena to go on.
‘In fact, I’m not sure that I was ever in love with him, because I was too young to know for sure. We met when we were fourteen. And then, when we were sixteen, I got pregnant.’
Maddie still wasn’t speaking and now Sheena knew that it was because she also recognised when someone needed to get something off their chest.
‘We gave the baby up for adoption. Wow. That’s the first time I’ve said that aloud in decades.
I’ve thought about the baby every day, cried on her birthday, at Christmas, sometimes on a day that has absolutely no significance, and every day I’ve wondered where she is.
Looking back now, I think that destroyed something in me.
Made me feel that no one else could love me but Gregor.
So we stayed together, bonded by guilt that felt like love, and we lived our lives to the fullest, took every opportunity to block out regret over what we’d done by convincing ourselves that our marriage and lovely lives were the one good thing to come from something so awful.
It took me a long time to even consider having more children, and then when we tried, it didn’t happen.
I wasn’t surprised. I put it down to the universe doling out justice for what we’d done.
It was only this year that I realised that maybe I’d paid my penance.
Maybe I’d tortured myself enough by longing for that baby every day for all those years and perhaps, just maybe, I could try to forgive myself.
So that’s when I decided to leave my marriage and now… Well, this.’
It was only when she finished speaking that she realised that this woman who was practically a stranger before tonight now had her fingers entangled with hers.
‘Sheena, I’m so sorry.’
‘Thank you. I haven’t told that story to anyone in almost thirty years, so I’m telling you now as my official hairdresser therapist and asking you to keep it between us.’
‘I swear I won’t tell a soul,’ Maddie promised, and Sheena believed her.
She expected the regret of sharing something so personal would kick in at some point, but there was no sign of it as Maddie went on, ‘I’m sorry for all the pain this has caused you and that you’re going through this now.
You said you’d left Gregor, are you still apart or did this bring you back together? ’
Sheena’s hand rested on her belly. This pregnancy was so different from the last one. She was in control, she could make her own decisions, she was a secure adult with resources. But there were some similarities too. The questions. The fears. The uncertainty over what the future would look like.
‘I don’t know,’ Sheena admitted. ‘He wants me to move back in with him for a month, to see if we can make it work, but I’m scared that if I do, I’ll be with a man that I don’t love while having a baby that I desperately want.
I’m absolutely terrified of making another decision I’ll regret for a lifetime, but there’s a part of me that knows I have to try. I do, don’t I? I need to try.’
Maddie squeezed her hands, then gave her an answer that definitely didn’t come from any recognised therapy books.
‘Well, given the mess of my own situation, I’m definitely not equipped to give advice, but I’ll always listen. Urgh, what are we like? Welcome to the Messed-Up Mums Club, Sheena. I think I’m going to make you president.’
As Maddie said that, Sheena knew that she’d made her decision. She had to at least attempt to undo the mess. It was time to go home.