27. Aida
Benand I walk hand in hand down to his grandma’s house, and I know I’m still not fully prepared for what I’m about to walk in on, because Miriam is not your typical grandma. So in reality, anything could happen, and I feel myself smiling at the thought. She’s been a great source of entertainment, but she’s also quite the matchmaker too.
“What are you smiling at?” Ben asks, playfully giving my hand a squeeze.
“Just your crazy grandma and what we’re about to experience. She’s not one to follow the trends, and having a romance book club shows that. I’m not sure she’s the demographic those authors usually seek out.” As I say this, I’m kind of excited to see what they’re reading, curious if it could spice things up with Ben and me if I were to pick up one of these books.
“And who is the demographic?” Ben asks, his words having a teasing quality to them. “You?”
“I’ve never read a book like that. When the whole Fifty Shades thing was trending, I was like ten years old, for sure not the demographic she was trying to reach,” I reply as we head up the stairs to Miriam’s house.
“We could check it out now,” Ben suggests, winking at me. “Might be fun to have a book club just for us.”
“What are you suggesting?” I flirt back, even though I know exactly what he’s suggesting, and I’m totally down for it.
Just as Ben begins to open his mouth to reply, the front door flies open, and there’s Miriam with a huge smile on her face, almost like she was listening from behind the door.
“Oh, I’m so glad you’re here,” she croons, hugging Ben and then me. “Come in, come in. We’ve just sat down and we’re about to have some sandwiches and then get onto our book conversation.”
Miriam steps aside, letting us come in, and that’s when we’re hit with the questions from the ladies gathered around the table.
“Oh, Benji, it’s so good to see you, and this must be the girl Miriam heard you having sex with,” an older woman with gray hair and a deep tan says, smirking at me.
“Um, okay, so, yeah, this is Aida, my girlfriend,” Ben says, motioning for me to step closer, and if I thought Miriam was bad, I’m about to be hit with five of them. “Aida, this is Fay, Mavis, Beverly, and Carol. I’ve known them my whole life. They’re islanders too.”
“Miriam, you didn’t tell us she was so cute,” Beverly croons, folding her hands in front of her.
“Of course she’s cute,” Miriam counters, shaking her head. “She’s the cutest girl Benji has ever dated.” She announces this and I’m beginning to feel really awkward. And to think I thought the book discussion would be the most awkward thing today.
“Don’t let her around Weston,” Mavis hisses, her nose wrinkled up in disgust. “That dick.”
I cover my mouth, trying not to laugh out loud, but it’s obvious they all hate Weston. Miriam is a real threat when someone crosses her grandson. Duly noted.
“See,” Ben whispers, a satisfied smile on his face, “everyone hates him.”
He pulls out a chair for me, and I sit down as Miriam comes by with the most adorable fish-shaped glass filled with her famous Long Island Iced Tea and garnished with a lemon wedge and a little paper umbrella.
Miriam really knows how to host a book club, the table is set with little finger sandwiches and the cutest little petit four cakes, all matching her theme of by the beach. The tablecloth, the glasses, the plates and napkins, it’s all beach-themed.
“Reading some beach reads?” I ask, taking a sip of my drink out of the blue and white striped straw. I blink a few times, letting myself adjust to how ridiculously strong it is. After one of these, I might be on the floor.
“Oh, definitely not, dear,” Miriam replies, handing Ben and me a typed-up sheet of paper that has the discussion questions for the group. She also has three books on the table, and when I look down at one of them, I again find myself wanting to laugh out loud.
I give Ben a quick sideways glance, and he’s acting like this isn’t completely crazy. We’re literally sitting at a table surrounded by elderly ladies who read porn and discuss it.
If anyone were to walk in here unknowingly, they would think this is just afternoon tea, but the tea is spiked, and the discussion is about to get dirty.
The first bullet point on the discussion is “penis size” with the parentheses noting “share manageable length”.
“This month, we chose a hockey romance theme,” Carol tells me. “It’s very popular right now and we try to stick with the trends.” She pushes one of the books toward me and the cover is a soft shade of blue with what appears to be a hockey rink on the cover.
It’s very unassuming when I just take in the picture on the cover, the rink, a small hockey puck in the distance, but it’s the title that gives it away.
“Pucking in the Barn,” I read quietly, almost to myself, but it’s obvious that Ben hears me when he lets out a hard laugh.
When I look at the other two books, the covers are nearly identical and I have no idea how they tell them apart, with the fonts and colors almost the same on all three.
“Oh, we could read Hat Trick in the Bedroom?” Ben announces, picking up one of the other books, and showing it to me. “This one sounds pretty interesting.” Ben turns the book over in his hand, scanning the blurb on the back.
“It was quite entertaining,” Miriam chimes in. “The goal was for the hero to make the heroine come three times in one session of fornication.”
Oh my god, this isn’t happening right now, and I bite down on the inside of my cheek. I’m not sure what’s worse, the plot of this book or Miriam using the word fornication.
“Turns out the heroine, Brynzleigh, had never had an orgasm, so she makes this plan to figure it out with a vibrator and her fingers and whatever else she can get her hands on, but this hot hockey player, Jaxstyn overhears her…” Miriam trails off, catching the look on mine and Ben’s faces, and as much as I’m trying to control it, my face is giving me away.
The character names, the plot, the conversation we’re having, it’s seriously laugh-out-loud funny, and now I can see why they read these books. It is seriously entertaining, and it does seem like I’m going to learn a little something to try out in the bedroom.
“Benji, it feels like you’re mocking us, and you know that is not what this is about. We do not yuck someone else’s yum,” Miriam shames. “You’ve been to book club enough to know this is a serious discussion and we enjoy it.”
“Sorry, Grandma,” he apologizes, hitting me in the side with a jab of his elbow. “Continue. Aida and I will participate and enjoy it.”
He reaches over and takes a cucumber sandwich, eating it in one bite as he moves to pick up the next book. Leaning over, Ben shows me the cover, and then he reads the title out loud.
“Puck the Forechecker, this one seems to have the most creative title,” Ben adds, since we haven’t read any of these, we really don’t have much to add to the conversation.
“Ah, yes,” says Fay, nodding in agreement. “Forecheck is hockey slang for hitting on someone, usually of the opposite sex. It also makes me think of foreskin and I feel the author really dropped the puck when it comes to having the hero circumcised.”
I can feel my cheeks begin to heat up. These women have no problem saying any of this with a straight face and one day I hope to be just like them. But for right now, I’m mildly embarrassed and housing this Long Island Iced Tea to ease it.
I pick up my fish glass and take a huge drink, ignoring the burn as the mix of liquors hits my throat. I need to be drunk to continue this, so thank fuck or in this case, puck, that Ben and I can walk home.
“Let’s get to our first topic of conversation,” Miriam says, steering the focus back to the books, and away from the shock that keeps covering mine and Ben’s faces.
“Yes, penis size,” Carol says, checking the paper. “So, I have to say twelve inches is wholly unmanageable despite that being the norm in the recent book we’ve read.”
“I have to agree,” Beverly chimes in. “Anything over eight or nine, is just ridiculous.”
“Ed is a solid seven and I have to say it’s perfect. It gets the job done and I’m always left satisfied.” Miriam gives her head a curt nod, and her eyes fall on the next bullet point for their discussion, but then she looks at me. “Aida, any input on penis size?”
“Um, I don’t know, I guess I agree,” I quickly say, feeling put on the spot and not sure what to say. It’s not like I’m drunk and in a bar bathroom with some friends, this is Ben’s grandma and her friends.
“Dear, this is a safe space where discussions are open and we encourage you to share your thoughts,” Miriam says, her tone sweet, but I have no idea what to say. She doesn’t want to hear about my sex life with her grandson.
“Twelve inches is insane,” I finally say, thinking about how Ben’s penis is pretty much the perfect size too. “Who can walk after having sex with someone with a twelve-inch dick?”
The room falls silent and there goes that rush of heat to my face once again. They’re all staring at me, and holy shit, I’m guessing I said too much. What was it though? Was it that I said dick instead of penis? Was it the comment about not being able to walk?
“Mavis, care to comment?” Fay says, her words pointed, and the other women all turn to look at her.
“Unfortunately, twelve inches is quite large, but I will say I’ve gotten used to it, and I don’t have much trouble walking.”
“Oh, I’m really sorry,” I quickly say, realizing Mavis’ husband must have a twelve-inch dick. What the fuck is going on right now? “I didn’t mean to offend anyone.”
“Aida, dear, please. No one is offended. This is something we discuss often because it comes up a lot in the books we read. Mavis’ husband is quite hung.”
Oh my god, this is out of control.
I swallow hard, again picking up my drink and downing what is left. I don’t think I’ll ever be drunk enough to talk about these things with women who are at least three times my age.
“I would like to talk about Brynzleigh from Hat Trick in the Bedroom,” Fay now says. “It’s interesting that she was still a virgin and had not pleasured herself ever at the age of nineteen. My question is, at what age did you have your first orgasm, and have you ever had a hat trick one? I believe Jaxstyn changed her life for the better.”
“Mine was at fifteen using my fingers,” Miriam says, and I swear I see Ben cringe, and possibly shudder a little, and I don’t blame him. “It didn’t get really good until I met my husband.”
“I was fifteen also, but mine was with a boy who really knew how to use his tongue. He was a football player. Dumb as a box of rocks, but he was certainly talented when it came to cunnilingus.” I close my eyes as Carol shares, and I swear Ben and I need to get the hell out of here.
I’m dying.
“I see things from Brynzleigh’s perspective because I left for college a virgin and did not lose my virginity until I was nineteen. I had never explored down there either,” Mavis shares, and this is really getting out of hand.
If Ben and I don’t leave soon, we are going to be sharing our own sex stories and I don’t think I can bring myself to do that.
“Grandma,” Ben interrupts and I could not be more grateful, “So yeah, Aida and I have plans in a bit. It was nice for her to get to meet everyone, and the conversation was seriously pucking fascinating, but we gotta get going.”
The entire table lets out a riotous laugh at Ben’s use of the word pucking in place of fucking, and I have to admit, it was creative.
“Oh, we haven’t even gotten through our questions and you’re going to miss the conversation about Pucking in the Barn and Puck the Forechecker. Take the books with you and read them together. I really think the two of you will enjoy them,” Miriam says, winking at me a couple of times.
“Thanks, Miriam, and it was nice to meet everyone. I’ll give the books a read and report back,” I say, just trying to be polite. I wish to never experience this again. I’m sure Ben tried to get us out of this, but Miriam is very persuasive, and I love that he indulges her even when it’s something crazy like her book club.
“Have a good time,” Miriam calls out as Ben and I leave. “I tabbed some scenes for you. Try them out.”
As soon as the door closes behind us and Ben and I are safely down the stairs and a few feet from the house, we burst out laughing.