Chapter 20 Derek
DEREK
The forest seems to have gone still and quiet as I make my way down the mountain alone. The only sound is the big horse’s huffing breath, and my own heart pounding in my ears.
A million feelings swirl in my chest but the only one that ever makes it through to my head is anger.
Why did Addie have to die and leave a hole in our hearts?
And why did my daughter and I both have to fall for an amazing young woman who’s only pretending to fall for us?
For just a second when J.B. hinted at the idea of a little brother or sister I felt this incredible sense of hope. And then I remembered that none of this is real, and it was like something sucked my soul out of my body.
I hate that J.B.’s so lonely.
I hate that I’m a foolish stereotype of an older man with a wild crush on his assistant.
And I hate that I can’t do the right thing for either of the most important women in my life.
Honestly, I think if I wanted to push Darcy into a real relationship with me I could do it. She’s attracted to me, and on paper I’m a catch. We could fill a house with children and I know I’d be happy, really happy, not just successful.
But last night I spent a lot of time awake in my bed facing the truth. Now that I know what Darcy’s dreams used to look like before me, and that she has family she misses… It feels like I’d be taking away more than I’m offering if I tried to make her my wife for real.
One day she would come to resent me for my selfishness. And when that happened, everything would change. J.B. would wind up resenting me too—and that’s not something I can risk.
I need to face the fact that I just can’t have everything I want. No amount of hard work or money can buy the things that really matter.
I get back to the lodge and try to shake off the dark thoughts as I dismount. The groom at the barn takes Frankincense from me and I slip him a few bills without trusting myself to say a word.
I’m taking measured breaths and pulling myself together to face the girls again when I hear their horses moving down the trail. I’m sure J.B. will still have a lot to say to me.
“Let’s go into town and buy Christmas presents for each other,” J.B. calls out with a smile on her face as they come into sight.
Wow.
Whatever Darcy said to her up there, it worked.
And seeing J.B. feeling better automatically loosens some of the fury tangled in my chest. We will get through this.
“Sure,” I say. “We can go shopping. Does that sound good, Darcy?”
“Yes,” she replies right away, but her eyes are shining and I can tell she’s been crying.
Now that my anger is fading, I realize I’m defenseless. A lead weight slowly crushes me alive at the sight of her sad eyes.
I want to hold her close. I want to kiss her fingers, her hands, her tearstained cheeks. I want to whisper to her that she’ll never cry again, not if I can help it.
J.B. starts telling Darcy about all her favorite weird little shops in the village and Darcy nods and asks a ton of follow-up questions. She’s very cleverly getting a sort of wishlist out of my daughter without being too obvious.
I’d be impressed if I weren’t drowning in my own wasted love.
An hour later we’re in the SUV winding our way down the mountain.
J.B. is in the back seat with her headphones on, head nodding to the beat of whatever music she’s listening to.
Darcy sits quietly beside me, her eyes on the view out the window.
It’s going to be a beautiful day for shopping. The weatherman is calling for light flurries. It’s my favorite kind of weather for walking in town. A touch of snow always makes the browns and grays of a Pennsylvania winter feel more cheerful, but heavy snow is no fun to walk in.
I just wish I could be in the right mood to enjoy it.
Darcy peeks over her shoulder to the back seat and nods once at J.B. before turning to me.
“She needs you to listen,” she tells me quietly.
I glance at the rearview mirror, but J.B. is paying us no attention whatsoever. She’s definitely got music on, and those are the best noise-canceling headphones money can buy. She probably couldn’t hear a marching band right now.
“I do listen,” I say. “But what was I supposed to say to all that talk about you and me…?” I trail off. I can’t even repeat what J.B. was talking about without risking Darcy hearing the longing in my voice.
“You were supposed to direct the conversation back to her,” Darcy says. “She’s unhappy at school.”
“It’s an adjustment period,” I tell her. “It’s normal.”
At least that’s what they told us in the parent orientation video conference. I can still hear it all in my head.
Your kids will have an adjustment period. It’s natural to feel homesick. In time they will make friends, engage in classroom projects, and before you know it they won’t even want to come home for break.
That last statement put fear in my chest at the time, but I stuck to my convictions and sent her away to school because I knew it was best for her. I hope I’ll always be able to put her needs first.
“It seems like maybe it’s more than that,” Darcy says carefully. “She’s been at school since the last week of August. It’s December, Derek. Something’s not right.”
I take that in for a second before glancing in the rearview mirror again.
My daughter’s eyes are fixed on the window. She isn’t nodding to the beat anymore, but she’s a million miles away.
Suddenly I start noticing little things—her pale skin, the shadow of her cheekbone. I thought maybe she’d had another growth spurt. But what if she’s been so unhappy that she hasn’t been eating enough?
And why did she change her name? She was always so proud of it before. Her mom was obsessed with Judy Blume books growing up and she shared that love with our daughter. Is it just natural for a teen to want to make their name cooler or is this something to do with school?
Is she being bullied?
Is she scared to tell me?
“You’re getting it now, right?” Darcy says softly. “I think she’s ready to talk to you about it when you’re ready to listen. It took guts for her to mention this to you today. She knows how proud you are of her for going to that school.”
“You think I should let her come home?” I hear myself ask.
“You’re her father,” Darcy says firmly. “I think you should talk to her and decide together once you know what’s going on.”
“I didn’t have opportunities like that when I was her age,” I say automatically. “I would have done anything to go to that school. And I was an educator, Darcy. I know the value of a place like that.”
Darcy nods and keeps her mouth shut.
She’s trying to tell me something without telling me.
Somehow, instead of feeling angry about that, I just let my train of thought spool out as I drive. I really would have done anything to go to that amazing school when I was a teenager.
But I guess a lot of things were different for me than they are for her. I didn’t lose my mom, and I didn’t have a relationship with my dad like the one J.B. and I have.
Is it more important for her to have what’s left of her family close than it is to be at the kind of school that stimulates her natural curiosity?
By the time I’m pulling into a parking spot in the village I know that Darcy is right. The only solution to this is to have a real heart-to-heart with J.B. and hear her out.
But how do I do that without telling her the truth about Darcy and me? I wouldn’t want her to come home from school saying it’s because of school, but really it’s because she wants more time with Darcy.
It would be awful for her to do that and then find out it’s not real.
My stomach twists with dread.
J.B. is a super smart kid, but there’s a reason we haven’t let her in on everything.
She’s terrible with keeping secrets. I’ve known what’s inside every birthday, Christmas, and Father’s Day gift I’ve ever opened.
If I tell her the engagement is pretend, I’ll have to tell Grandpa Michael too, and it will break his heart.
“We’re here,” J.B. yells from the back seat, bringing me back to the present.
Once we’ve all piled out and are standing on the sidewalk, I turn to my daughter and give her my best smile.
“Okay, kiddo,” I say. “This was your idea. What’s the game plan?”
“We’ll go get Darcy a present,” she tells me. “Darcy, you can go to the café or the bookshop or something and wait for us.”
“Bookshop,” Darcy says right away.
“Perfect,” J.B. tells her. “We’ll see you later.”
I turn to her to ask where we’re headed, but she watches after Darcy until she’s out of sight before spinning back to me.
“Jewelry store,” she says, her eyes dancing.
I can’t argue with that idea. I’d love nothing more than to drape Darcy in diamonds and pearls for as long as I’ve got her.
We head to the little shop and it doesn’t hit me until we’re walking in the door and the lady behind the counter lights up at the sight of me that I was in here just two days ago to buy the most expensive ring in the place.
“Well, how can I help you today?” she asks, emphasizing the word today in a way that I hope doesn’t catch J.B.’s attention.
“I want to get a present for my dad’s fiancée,” J.B. says right away.
“Isn’t that lovely?” the lady says. “Are you looking for a big statement piece?”
She’s probably hoping for another big sale like the ring. At this rate, I’ll be putting this lady’s grandkids through college.
“No, no,” J.B. says right away. “She would like something small and delicate.”
The saleslady looks to me and I look out the window. We’re not getting into this right now.
“Lovely,” the saleslady says. “My name is Marion and I’m happy to help. What did you have in mind, dear? A bracelet? A ring?”
“A necklace,” J.B. says right away.
“Diamonds?” Marion asks. “Rubies? Emeralds?”
“Pearls,” J.B. says.
Marion’s face lights up again, and I have to give her credit. She knows she won’t get the big sale she got last time, but she’s more excited now than she was when we walked in.
Honestly, she looks more excited than when she sold me that monstrosity.