29. Lawton #3
“I know that Lawton. What do you want from me? An apology? I’m sorry Lawton that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry that I didn’t play a bigger role in your life. I’m sorry that I allowed my issues with your father to cost me a relationship with you.”
“You’re sorry, huh?” I scoffed. “How about apologizing for giving Sincere everything that you were supposed to give to me!” I roared.
“Do you know heartbreaking it was to watch you love and dote on a child that didn’t come out of you.
He got all of the good parts of you while I got the dirty scraps.
You never loved me. You never showed an interest in anything concerning me.
You hated Pops and in return passed that same hate down to me.
I’m not him.” I beat my chest. “I’m nothing like him but you made me pay for his sins. ”
“I didn’t know how to separate the two,” she cried. “You’re so much like him Lawton. From the way you walk down to the way you talk. Everything you are, you’re his carbon copy.”
“That didn’t have shit to do with me.”
“I know it didn’t and I’ve prayed to God and asked for his forgiveness. I know what I did was wrong. I can accept and admit that. I can’t however go back and change it. All I can do is work better at receiving your forgiveness.”
“I wanted acceptance from you. Wanted you to give me that unconditional love that I watched you give to his outside child. The day you brought Sincere home, I saw the way your eyes lit up. You never looked at me like that. And I’m not jealous of my brother, never have been because he lost his mother when he was a child.
Now that I think about it, I lost mine too.
When you tried to come around, the damage was too much at that point.
I looked for you in her. I attached myself to her because she reminded me so much of you.
Was it wrong? Hell, yeah it was. But it felt good, so I did it.
And overtime I got comfortable because I had someone that was willing to give me an ounce of love. ”
“In whom? Who are you talking about, Lawton?”
Squaring my shoulders, I admitted, “Adele.”
“Lawton…” she mumbled. “What did Adele do?”
“Use me for her own selfish good. Fucked my head up even worse than what you had.”
“Lawton,” she growled lowly. “What are you trying to say?”
“The first time we slept together was the night I graduated high school. Sure, she’d made comments prior to that but never pushed the issue until that night.
For years I entertained a relationship with her, hell, we were together while her and Salvador were still married.
All of those out-of-town trips were to D.C. to spend time with me.
Adele had my mind so gone I had somehow convinced myself that once her divorce was finalized, she and I would be together.
She used me and when I was no longer beneficial, she ended our arrangement.
Those grandkids you speak of coming from me, they’ll never happen.
The woman I thought would bear my kids broke my heart and I haven’t seemed to be able to put the pieces back together. ”
Covering her mouth with her hand, tears sprouted from her eyes. “Oh my God. You were a child, Lawton.”
“Searching for his mother’s love.”
“I’m going to kill her. I had her in my house, around my family and this is the way she chose to repay me. She groomed you, Lawton. That’s predatory behavior. I will have her locked up.”
“I was eighteen when the affair started. Legal consenting age.”
“You were a child!” she roared.
“I’ve been capable of making decisions for myself for as long as I can remember.
Adele didn’t force herself onto me. Granted, she presented the idea to me but it was my choice to go along with it.
And I enjoyed it for years. Enjoyed it until she dropped me.
I don’t regret anything I’ve done in my life.
If you can look in the mirror and live with the fact that your neglect pushed me into the arms of a woman twenty-one years my senior, I can forgive you for our tattered past and work toward a better future with you.”
Getting that shit off my chest felt better than I’d ever imagined. Who knew the conversation was going to reach the point where I would end up admitting I’d slept with her best friend. I believed Val when she said she was going to go after Adele.
She’s always been a spit fire. The shit was off my shoulders and Adele would have to deal with whatever came her way. I told my truth.
My revelation must’ve hit her like a ton of bricks because my mama eventually cried herself to sleep. By the time Preme made it back, the doctor had stopped by and informed us that after checking out her x-rays he decided she would have to wear a boot to try and reset her bone.
They would assess her again in a few months and from there if he decided she would need an operation, we could move forward.
After she got discharged, I stuck around long enough to make sure she was okay as I promised. Once she was settled into her house, I chopped it up with Preme before going home to my peace.