13. Vivian #2
I smile and nod, remembering his reassurances. “Yes. It turns out his mom has it too. He knew all about it. I didn’t have to explain a thing.”
“Whaddya know, he’s already got first-hand experience.
” Her mouth quirks up but then turns serious.
“And as far as being ‘tainted’ or whatever nonsense you’re telling yourself,” she air quotes, “if past history mattered to him, don’t you think he would’ve asked first before doing the horizontal tango?
” I can’t help the laugh that escapes me.
“But for real, did he ask? Did you discuss prior relationships, is that how that subject came about?”
“Well… no. We were talking about his sister. It seems like she’s had a string of bad guys. And he commented that she should just break things off like he did before it got to that point, that she was just wasting her time.”
“And from that you got the idea that you’re not good enough?” she asks incredulously. When she puts it that way, I do feel a little stupid. Foolishness gives way to frustration, and I feel the sting of tears at the corners of my eyes.
“Claire, my own mom has no problem pointing out every fault of mine. How I should have lived up to my ‘potential,’ or whatever her idea of that was. How she’s worried I won’t be able to make it on my own, that the fibro will get to be too hard for me to manage.
Even when I tell her what’s going right in my life, she picks it apart and tells me what I could’ve done better.
She’s my mother! She should be the one to care about me no matter what!
So if she sees me that way, how is Michael going to react when he realizes how flawed I am?
” I pause, chest heaving from the outburst.
“Whoa there, girl.” Claire stands and wraps her arms around me and hugs me hard, like I’m Raelynn having a meltdown.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, I promise.” As my breathing slows back to normal, she holds me away from her and looks me straight in the eyes.
“Viv, listen to me. You’ve been hearing criticisms for so long that it’s become your default mode.
Your mom loves you, I know it, but she has a funny way of showing it sometimes.
Maybe it’s all she knows, or maybe you two are going through a rough patch—”
“Yeah, a few years’ worth of rough patches,” I interject callously.
“This growing up shit is hard, Viv. Believe me, I know .” And she’s got me there. What I’ve experienced is nothing compared to the responsibilities thrust upon Claire at a young age.
“But you can’t let those thoughts run rampant in your head,” she says, bringing me back to the moment. “You have to choose what you believe about yourself, not just what you’ve been taught. Or just one person’s opinion.”
I let that sentence simmer in my brain for a minute.
Trent tore me down because he could, and I let him.
My mom’s words affect me, but it’s only because deep down, I’m afraid she’s right.
So many comments, sighs, and tsks had buried their way under my psyche, all adding to my list of failures.
My wasted potential is a big one. And although she and I have different ideas of what my life should look like, I still want her to be proud of me. Her disappointment stings the most.
It only hurts when it comes from the ones you care about the most.
At least Claire never judged. Never criticized, only encouraged.
She was there to celebrate the good days and help me make it through the bad ones.
Never made me feel bad about what I could or couldn’t do, only asking how she could help lighten the load.
With her help, I’d started finally believing I could make something of myself.
Trent, on the other hand, went from skeptical to flat out saying I couldn’t hack it, that I wasn’t going anywhere in life. And then he’d mumble under his breath as he looked at me like I was yesterday’s garbage. Dirty.
I don’t think I could handle Michael looking at me that way.
“I don’t think I could handle his rejection,” I admit to Claire.
“I was honest with him when I told him how I felt, because he was honest with me. But that doesn’t mean these intense emotions are going to last. I feel like I’m hurtling forward on a rollercoaster.
It’s all happening so fast, and I’m setting myself up for the biggest drop ever. ”
“That could happen, Viv,” she tells me gently.
“It’s all part of the risk. And I don’t blame you for being scared.
But think about this for a moment. Imagine Michael does fall big-time in love with you.
You stay together and ride off into the sunset.
How does that feel? Are you freaked out? Do you feel trapped?”
Tilting my head back with my eyes closed, I tell her, “It sounds… perfect.”
She clears her throat. “Okay, time for the not so fun part. Now imagine Michael not being in your life. Either you walked away or he did, but he’s just not in the picture. What do you feel this time?”
“Devastated.” My tone is so quiet that there’s no room for misunderstanding.
“So, my dear child, you’ve just performed a gut check.
And your gut is telling you to give it a shot.
Because if you cut this off before it has a chance to really start, you’ll regret not taking the chance with him.
” Her clear gaze fixes me to the spot. If anyone’s an expert on regret, it’s Claire. I should take heed.
I sigh. “Why do you have to be so right all of the time?”
“It’s my gift.” She smiles as she taps me on the nose.
“Okay, it’s my turn to be the cool chick tonight. I don’t have it in me for shots, do you?” Her raised eyebrows give me a hell no . “It’s late. How about I treat you to Checkers’ milkshakes on the way home as payment for your therapy session, Dr. Claire?”
“Deal.” She grins. “Besides, I can’t wait to hear more about your boyyyfriend,” she singsongs like a middle schooler.
I let out an exasperated sigh. “He’s not my boyfriend; don’t call him that.”
“Oh, now he’s not boyfriend material?” she ribs.
“You know he most definitely is. I’d marry the guy if I could. But boyfriend seems too official a label for someone I just met, you know?”
“Even if you’re falling for him?”
“Yes, even with that. I just…” My voice trails off and some of the frustration returns. I’ve been so mixed up in my head and the whirlwind feelings plus lack of sleep—no matter how enjoyable it was—are making me lose my cool. “I just don’t want to jinx it, you know?”
“You are one of the most brilliant people I’ve ever met, Viv, but sometimes…” She doesn’t finish her sentence, instead locking up her desk and grabbing her purse.
Right back atcha , I think. But enough of the emotional convos for one night. I’ll leave that til the next time we revisit Mr. Derrick and how she feels about him .