27. Vivian
Vivian
the next morning
“ M orning, glory!” Claire sings out, coming down the stairs.
Raelynn has been curled up against me for the past hour, watching Dragon Tales , her favorite cartoon.
“Rae baby, I didn’t expect you up so soon— Viv !
” she exclaims, reaching over to give me a hug as soon as she spots me.
“I didn’t think you stayed here anymore, chica,” she teases as she takes a seat on the other end of the sofa.
“What in the he—ck,” she says, censoring her language for her daughter, “are you doing sleeping on the couch?”
I sit up slowly, stretching my arms as far above my head as I can before the familiar twinges of pain start up behind my shoulder blades.
The cricks in my neck tell me that crashing on the couch was a bad idea, but I had to make sure I caught Claire before work.
It feels like forever since I’ve been home, and right now I need my bestie more than ever.
“I wanted to make sure I saw you, and with how busy it’s been lately, I was afraid I’d miss you before you went in,” I tell her groggily.
“Besides, I haven’t seen Little Miss here much.
” I ruffle Raelynn’s hair lightly as she snuggles in closer to me, pulling my arm back around her.
I press a kiss to the top of her head, inhaling her strawberry scent.
“Don’t know that you’re getting much quality time with her glued to the tube.
” Claire smiles, looking over her daughter lovingly.
How is it possible that Raelynn is growing up right before our eyes so damn fast?
When I first moved in, she was so much smaller and they were still navigating her diabetes diagnosis.
It was terrifying for Claire, not having any experience with this disease.
Learning how to treat Raelynn was like learning an entirely new language, one with numbers and carbs and a million different factors that didn’t always make sense.
Two plus two does not always equal four, not in the diabetes world anyway, where sleep and exercise and protein and stress can all cause unexpected blood sugar swings.
But I’m so proud of Claire, and Raelynn too, for rallying and making the best of a life-changing situation.
At the same time, I’d take it all away for her if I could, and my eyes prick at the thought.
What is Claire going to do without another adult here to help look after Raelynn?
The little girl’s school schedule has helped, and Claire does have the in-laws who are five minutes away, but they aren’t always available at the drop of a hat—or a low/high blood sugar.
“ Hey . Hey, now, chica.” Claire’s soothing voice breaks through my overwhelm.
“Why the tears? What’s wrong?” She reaches over and wipes the wetness I wasn’t aware of falling down my cheeks.
Her expressive eyes show nothing but concern, and I’m again hit with how grateful I am for her friendship.
She’s been not only my best friend, but also a quasi-mother figure to me as I’ve navigated my own new adult journey.
Not many people would help out that way, but Claire never hesitated, not once.
“Michael has to take a job in Miami and wants us to get married first and my mom is gonna freak. She hasn’t even met him yet, and I’m worried about you and Raelynn and I do love him but ohmigod am I stupid for even considering this?
” My voice ends on a high hysterical note as it all rushes out of me in a single breath.
There. It’s out, but I don’t feel any relief.
My chest is just as tight as before. Saying the words out loud makes the situation sound exactly as crazy as it is.
This is absolutely bonkers, but now that I’ve said I’m gonna do this—is she gonna hate me for it?
Claire’s eyes widen, and she blinks a few times.
“Okay, chica, I’m gonna need you to slow down a millisecond and tell me this all over again.
” So I take a deep breath and I do. I give her all the details of the bomb Michael dropped on me yesterday, how conflicted I felt, how he reassured me and helped me face my fears.
And most importantly, how I wasn’t going to agree to anything without talking to her first.
Last night, in his arms, I could see it happening.
I could envision taking these next steps with him.
Everything else has been a whirlwind, so marrying Michael and moving to a new state with him didn’t feel all that far fetched.
Even kissing him goodbye before he flew out in the early hours felt calm, normal even.
But during the long drive back from Hartsfield Airport, with the sky still dark and the radio off, my mind started to examine things from all angles. Have I truly lost my everloving mind?
“Wow, girl. That is a lot to take in.”
“Yeah,” I agree, my voice shaky. “I mean, in the heat of the moment it all made sense. He loves me; I know he does. But on my way home, all those thoughts came flooding back to me. What the hell am I thinking?” I wince as I belatedly cover Raelynn’s ears, but she’s oblivious, totally absorbed in the animated flying dragons on the screen.
“Am I crazy for even considering it? Marrying and moving with some guy I just met?” I hiss, panic beginning to tighten my chest again.
“ Breathe, chica,” Claire admonishes. “Just breathe a second.” She rubs my arm with a sure hand. It reminds me of how Michael does it too, when he’s trying to comfort me. He’s so good at calming me down. Claire is too. Why do I think of him first—and not her?
“Let’s talk this out,” she tells me. “He’s gotta move if he wants to keep his job, and he wants you to come with.”
“Yes.”
“And he wants to marry you, which we have already established, you know, with that ring and the ‘claiming’ in the restaurant,” she says with a wry grin.
Begrudgingly, I smile at the recollection. “Yes.”
“And he wants to marry you before you move away together and ride off into the sunset.”
I outright laugh at the image. “Yes, he was really adamant about that. He doesn’t want to go with me as his girlfriend, or even fiancée. He wants me to go as his wife.” Gah, does it sound even more ludicrous when I say it out loud like that?
“So what exactly is the problem then?” Claire asks me, her eyes dancing like she has figured out the secret to a Rubik's Cube.
“Well, when you lay it out like that , it seems so simple.”
“Maybe it is.”
“But if we do this, we’d be talking about getting married in a couple of weeks! Not months! I thought—well, I hadn’t really been thinking about when all that much—but I figured we’d get married in the spring or something, you know? Have months to plan, get to know each other better and—”
“You love him, right?”
“I do. I really do.” That’s not the problem .
“So then what’s the problem?”
“The problem ,” I say, frustration creeping into my voice, “is that I’m going to be leaving everyone I know, you, Raelynn, my mom, and going to a totally different place where I know no one and I don’t have a backup plan and what if it doesn’t work out and what will people think—”
“Stop right there,” she says, literally putting her hand in my face and stopping my frantic tirade. “ Backup plan ? You don’t need a backup plan. You and Michael are the real deal. You’re not like me and Paul. I can promise you that.
“You want to be with him, right? You’re committed to what marriage requires, dedication, commitment, talking things out and making it work no matter what?
So then all that’s changing is the timeline.
It’s moving up, but it doesn’t change how you feel about him.
Whether you get married today or ten years from now, if your love and devotion is strong, that’s all that really matters.
Trust me, knowing someone longer is not always better.
No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.
“But what you guys have, the way he treats you, the way he looks at you… what I wouldn’t give to have someone be there for me and make me feel that way.”
Her eyes glisten, and my throat chokes up. Derrick could be that for her, if she were to just open her eyes.
“ Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you second-guessing?”
“I don’t think that I deserve this. Deserve him. It feels like everything I touch ends up falling apart underneath my hands. I figured we’d need more time to work out the kinks.”
“Are you having issues?”
“Well, no, but it’s still brand new.”
“ Look ,” she says and now I can feel how frustrated she is with me. “I get that you have hang ups. These last couple of years have been rough, what with Trent and your mom’s criticisms, and the fibro and all. But no one is talking about perfection here. Is Michael?”
“N–no. He–he says he doesn’t believe in perfection, but that I’m perfect for him.”
“See?” Claire runs her hand through her hair.
“Why do you think it’s so impossible that you are worthy of love?
Not just any little ole love, but true love and devotion from a good man?
He has already laid everything out for you; he has addressed all of your concerns.
And he’s shown you how invested he is. I mean—it was what?
—three weeks ago when you came home with a key to his place?
So why can't you just let yourself have this?” Her tone softens when she takes my hands in hers and says, “Vivian, you’re my sister in my heart and soul, and you have a great chance at happiness here.
I don’t want you to miss out.” Those words from before echo in my head; those same words that I can’t seem to escape.