Chapter 11
‘How did it go? Are you okay? You’re ever so quiet.’ Tanya’s voice broke into her thoughts and SJ sighed and dragged her gaze away from a point beyond the windscreen and the London streets that she’d been staring fixedly at ever since Tanya had picked her up.
‘Yeah, sorry. I’m fine. I was just thinking.
’ Remembering was closer to the mark. Just before she’d left SAADD, Kit had stressed again that she didn’t have to discuss any problems that may have led to her drinking – but that she really should consider making another appointment, which she’d declined with a swift shake of her head.
But it hadn’t stopped the memories flooding back, unbidden, as soon as she’d got out of the place.
She hadn’t thought about Jacob, who’d been the love of her life – and also the hate of her life, if there was such a thing – for a very long time.
And she was amazed how much it hurt. She could easily have broken down and wept, which was madness; she’d cried more than enough tears over Jacob bloody Anderson.
‘Well, you don’t look fine,’ Tanya persisted relentlessly. ‘Where are we going for lunch?’
‘Don’t you have to get back to work?’
‘Yes, but not for a while. Mind you, I don’t think we’ll bother with a wine bar this week.
’ Tanya’s mobile buzzed to announce the arrival of another text and SJ remembered why she wasn’t going to confide in Tanya again.
She knew she was being childish. Despite the fact she’d decided she didn’t need Kit’s help any more – or perhaps because of it – she felt terribly vulnerable and shaken up.
‘I think I’d like to go straight home if it’s okay with you, Tanya.’
At least at home she could have a good cry in private and a large amount of wine now she’d decided she’d done with cutting down.
‘SJ, stop shutting me out. I’m your best friend. I want to help.’
‘I don’t need any help. I’m not some sad little charity-case you can fit in when you get a spare moment in your hectic schedule.’
‘For fuck’s sake, is that how you see me?’ Tanya slammed on the brakes and the driver behind them blasted a horn in protest.
SJ had obviously touched a nerve. Tanya never said ‘fuck’. She clung on to her seat belt as Tanya stalled the car, eliciting another horn blast of disapproval, and rounded on her furiously. ‘Has it ever occurred to you that other people have problems too?’
‘I thought you didn’t want to talk about your problems.’
‘Perhaps that’s because they’re not mine to discuss.’ Two pink blotches had appeared on Tanya’s angular cheekbones and her green eyes were glittery – whether with rage or hurt, it was difficult to tell.
‘I’m sorry. What I said just now was totally out of order. I didn’t have a very good session, but that’s no excuse to take it out on you.’
‘Apology accepted.’ Tanya blinked, re-started the car, pointedly ignoring the furious driver behind her, and they set off once more.
‘I really am sorry,’ SJ said again, after a few moments’ tense silence, wishing she could stop apologising and, more importantly, stop saying things that meant she needed to apologise. ‘Whose problems are they then?’
‘Michael’s.’
‘Ah.’ There didn’t seem much else to say and for a while they didn’t speak. After about ten minutes SJ noticed they’d just gone through Shoreditch, which was a weird way to go to her house, but it wasn’t until they hit Hackney that she realised Tanya wasn’t taking her home.
‘Where are we going?’
‘You’ll see.’
Forty-five minutes later they were driving alongside Epping Forest and SJ fantasised briefly that Tanya might know some gorgeous little pub and as she wasn’t working today she could have a very large glass of wine when she got there.
But her hopes were dashed when about twenty minutes later Tanya drew into a Forestry Commission car park, beyond which was a picnic area set up with wooden benches and a brick-built barbecue, alongside a stack of beating equipment to put out fires.
‘Er – any particular reason why we’re stopping here?’
‘We’re going for a walk. I can think better when I walk and the exercise will do us good.’
SJ could think of a great many other things she’d far rather be doing – in fact, walking along some woodland path towards the middle of nowhere came somewhere near the bottom of her list of Great Ways to Spend My Day Off. But she could see Tanya was not in the mood to argue.
At least she had trainers on – unlike her friend. ‘Aren’t you going to find it awkward in those heels?’
‘I’ve got some walking boots in the back.’ Tanya flicked her a glance and SJ decided not to mention that pencil skirts weren’t perfect attire for walking either. For the first time since they’d met this morning she didn’t feel underdressed.
It had also dawned on her that she was being utterly selfish. Tanya had taken time off work to bully her into keeping her appointment and she hadn’t even thanked her. As she followed Tanya along a path strewn with pine needles, she could see her shoulders were rigid with tension.
‘I’m not surprised you’re pissed off with me,’ SJ called tentatively. ‘I’ve been a total cow.’
Tanya neither answered nor turned, but a few minutes later she paused at a point where the path opened out into a glade.
The trees were mostly oaks – gigantic and ancient, their old trunks velvet with moss and the odd bright patch of yellow fungi, and even though they were still quite close to the road, it was almost totally silent.
Tanya headed towards a fallen tree, its surface soft and rotten, and, heedless of her nice clothes, slumped down on one end of it. ‘I’m not pissed off with you,’ she replied belatedly. ‘Cross maybe, because you won’t let me help you…’
‘I’m not the only one guilty of that, am I?’
‘Touché.’ Tanya stretched out her legs, stirring leaves with the toe of her boot. ‘And I know this probably seems a mad place to talk – but it’s peaceful and I like it. Michael and I sometimes come here for picnics.’
‘I don’t think it’s a mad place at all. Ash would love it.’
Tanya smiled and ironically it wasn’t until she did that SJ noticed the fine lines of stress on her face because momentarily they’d softened.
‘The other reason I brought you here,’ Tanya went on, ‘is because no one’s likely to overhear us. I’m probably being paranoid but I didn’t want to take any chances. What I want to talk about – well, it must never go any further – and I mean never.’
‘Of course it won’t,’ SJ said, perching beside her on the moss-covered log and thinking she was right – this place embodied peace; it seeped out of the tree trunks. ‘It can’t be all that bad. A problem shared is a problem halved. Remember?’
‘I’m afraid you’ll be shocked. And once I’ve told you I can’t un-tell you. You’ll always know and it will change the way you feel about Michael and that’s half the reason I haven’t told you before, to be honest. Because he’s still the same person.’
Feeling a deep sense of compassion because Tanya was obviously sick with worry, SJ touched her arm. ‘Don’t tell me if you’d rather not. But if you do, I promise I won’t be shocked. And I won’t tell a soul.’
There was a small silence filled by the faint whispering of the wind through the summer leaves. Somewhere above their heads, claws scraped along a branch and a flutter of squirrel debris fell onto the forest floor.
SJ had just decided Tanya wasn’t going to say anything after all when she began to speak.
‘I came home from work early, a few months back, and I found Michael in our bedroom dressed in my clothes. Well, when I say my clothes, what I actually mean is my undies.’ She paused, her eyes begging SJ not to judge.
It was the last thing SJ had been expecting.
She had a brief and vivid image of Michael in women’s underwear.
How on earth had he managed to fit into anything of Tanya’s anyway?
He wasn’t as big as Tom – he was quite lean, with hairy legs from what she remembered of the last time they’d all had shorts on – but even so, it was hard to picture him in delicate pink lace, or cream satin or a silk G-string.
All of Tanya’s underwear was ultra-feminine. Everything about Tanya was.
Blinking away the images, she chewed hard on her lip.
It was one of those times when you absolutely must not laugh.
Like when someone had just told you their beloved granny died whilst doing a parachute jump at the age of 103.
It was the most inappropriate response in the universe.
Why was it that your mind led you along such dangerous tracks?
‘You are shocked, aren’t you?’
SJ shook her head. She must not laugh. She must not laugh. She snorted at the effort of keeping it in.
Think very sad stuff, think you’ve just been told you’ve put on a stone since last slimming class, think you’ve just lost your job, think sad. Think sad, for God’s sake. What was the matter with her?
She spluttered into her hands. It was passing. Thank heavens, it was passing. As long as Tanya didn’t say anything else for a moment, she could get herself back in control.
‘SJ, are you laughing?’
‘No.’ The denial came out as a muffled squeak.
‘It’s not bloody funny, you know. How would you feel if you found Tom wearing your bra and knickers?’
Oh, God. That was even worse – hairy macho Tom in one of her beige under-wireds and a pair of M&S hold-you-in knickers. SJ snorted again, gave up trying to control herself, put her head between her knees and howled with mirth.
When she finally stopped, the air was so stiff with silence she thought Tanya might have abandoned her in the middle of the forest and gone home. Well, it was no more than she deserved.
She raised her head warily. Tanya was still sitting in the same position, her hands curled like a child’s in her lap. She was staring straight ahead and there were tears trickling down her face.
‘Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. I know it’s not funny.’